For Roses Who Were Born In Concrete

Grandma Told Me

When I was young my grandma always told me I was gifted although I simply saw myself as a curse.
A burden on others. I had to be right? Why else would I be left with a single mother?
You see growing up in a single parent household I've learned is something special.
Legal separation is both an experience and a nightmare.
Not knowing why can't mom & dad both get along.
Yet the only common denominator you if is your existence. But shit.. You didn't ask to be here.
I never wished this upon myself.
Why am I always in trouble? Why does mom yell at me about dad? Why am I scolded when I express how I want to be like him?
All stuff growing up I didn't know.
Having grandma as a friend also in part taught me how to be a man. Teaching me do's & don't's on how to appreciate and care for a female.
Trips to my dad's taught me the streets & that anyone out here will do you for no reason.
Blood spill, bodies dropping on the pavement like fall leaves. But that's your father. Of course you look up to him. Want to be him.
So why is it that whenever I appreciate my dad, my mom distances me more?
Why is it that when I talk to dad about mom he visits the liquor stores more?
I didn't understand but my grandma was there. Told me I was smart no matter how much I did something stupid. Told me if nothing else to make a name for myself. I know she's still watchin me.
I wonder if every now and again my dad thinks about his youngest.. By time I was old enough to understand why things were how they were I was pushing him away myself.
Going by years without a stifle thought of him. Dismissing any mention of his name why the fuck do I have to legally carry it? Carry it like he carried me? Shit can I drop that name like he dropped me?
Why not? Not like he ever did shit. AA meetings with a 6 year old ain't the best environment.
But now it's on me. Do I regret it? No.
I'm just trynna make it. Walked the stage like I told grandma. Told myself this only the beginning.
See a thing I've learned about life is that everyone has their role. And everyone does have a gift.
Mine may be my mind and soul but that's also my curse.
As much as I can think, I can wish i never did.
Constant thought of what could be & what would've been. Constant hopes that maybe this is all one fucked up dream and imma wake up knowing exactly what not to do with my life.
But shit reality hits you and it's too late.
A gift you didn't choose turns into the center of your deepest fears. And what do you do?
What is there to do? All you really can do is push through it.
Material shit will have you feeling like you that nigga. The drugs will have you feelin like you can't be touched.
The love from other's hurts cause you simply can't reciprocate. Cause from a young age you never learned to form trust.
So as you look in the mirror all you see is a broken person yet someone who still isn't even finished being built. Manic tendencies & psychological issues that nobody can solve simply because they ain't you.
Chas in money cause that's all you truly want.
They say it can't buy you happiness but havin it is what makes you happy; Now you a rare breed.
Breaking stereotypes and defying any generalization put on you.
Still able to keep it solid. Still staying humble.
Cause you ain't make it yet. Even when you do you not gon want to fall off. So you walk through life step by step. Childhood questions unanswered.
But learning that in life not everything needs an answer. Some paths you have to just take and find out.