Before You Leave Tomorrow | Shawn Mendes ✔️

0.7 Really

Really, I know it's white, but through the darkness all I can see is black.

My ceiling has always been white, but over time it has seemed to darken to a light gray perhaps it's collected dust or my lighting has changed, whatever it is, it's something that keeps me up at night.

Come to think of it, everything keeps me up at night.

I find myself staring at this gray ceiling for hours, headphones in ears music blasting, eyes bloodshot, but refusing to blink.

Despite being tired all day, I can never fall asleep, but I know that this is normal, with the situation and all.

5 minutes, it feels like I may have fallen asleep for about 5 minutes, but in reality, perhaps I haven't fallen asleep at all.

6:58, time to turn off my music.

Even without the music, my ceiling was still something I could easily fixate on, something, I was still amazed by. It wasn't the music that kept my thoughts running, it was just my thoughts that kept the music running.

"It's time to go to school Sam." My mom walked in flashing my light on and off.

She used to do this for my brother, it reminded him of cops for some reason. He wanted to be a cop.

"Does my ceiling look darker to you."

"No honey."

"Really look at it."

"Sam, I am, it looks fine, get ready for school."

She shut the door behind her, she shut the door behind her, why did she do that?
Why?
She never does in the morning, she is always worried I will fall back asleep, she never shuts the door, why now, what's different?
Did something happen?
what happened?

I slowly roll over to my left side to fix my eyes onto the door. I stare at the small pencil marks on the front of the door, everything causes me to think of him. He didn't deserve any of this, he was just so small, has his whole world in front oh him.

"Okay line up on your door Corey, let's see how tall you are." My mom smiled

"Okay, but why can't we do it on Sam's door, I want to see how much taller she is than me."

"It's not a competition, you and your sister are going to grow different, not in competition, now line up. We will see how tall Sam is on her door after."

A small tear rolled over my nose. I felt as the soft smooth liquid dangled on the edge until it finally released and dripped onto my dark bed sheets.

I felt weak when I shredded tears, even selfish. Worse case scenario I was losing my brother, my mother was losing a child. What's harder?

If anything she deserved to cry, but me? I didn't think it was fair, she needed someone to be strong for her, for someone to at least be okay, even though I clearly wasn't okay, she needed to think I was, she needed it.

I reached for my socked slippers that were just underneath my bed. I pulled my left one on then reached for the other and put that one as well.

I pulled myself up the stairs, each one being harder than the last.

I didn't want to go to school today, I didn't want to hear about the rumors, nor see Dylan, god I couldn't handle Dylan.

"Alright honey... I know  we will figure this out."

I stop

"I know, I am trying  I don't want to Sam to hear me."

she's crying