"Best friends, keep each other's secrets even if it could change things, make things great. If I told everyone that you were my best friend and gave them proof, I would be the most popular girl in school." I said.
"Then why haven't you told people?"...
Meadows are enormous open spaces, you think of butterflies and flowers, children running and laughing, husbands and wives getting married, the end of one of the Twilight movies. Everything. Across this beautiful meadow lays a boy, a boy taken too young, along with many others who had passed. Some were sick much like Cory; some were struck by unexpected tragedy, some lived a full life.
I wonder about the lives that were lived, the ones that weren't ever fully experienced. Cory was young, but he had a long life, he matured faster than anyone I knew. I often forget he was younger than me. He skipped a few years in school; he got his driver license the day he turned 16.
He wanted to grow up, he dreamed about college, about marriage, about sharing our family stories around the dinner table. He was an old soul; he was the wisest one in the whole fucking family.
I wish I could explain what it felt like, what it honestly felt like, to lose someone so special. There is pain, but you can't let it change you. It's hard because the type of pain is always there. You miss them, all the time.
Other people will talk about him, and suddenly you realize how much you miss him. You hurt again; your tears will surface. You can try to hide it, but most times you can't.
The water slides down my face; it feels like everything is happening in slow motion. I smile, mentally, not physically. My body is cold. The water is cold. No matter how hard I turn the dial, the water will remain cold.
I always took long showers, that hasn't changed, but my parents don't care now but before they used too.
They don't care about a lot of things now. I can see it, they say they care, but they don't. I know them like Shawn knows me.
They want me to follow my dreams. They don't care about the money. They want me to be happy, and they say they will be okay without me, but they won't be. They don't care to leave the house. They don't care that Cory's room is the same mess that he left it in.
Or maybe the problem is that they care too much, they care about something so much that is causes them to avoid something else.
They care about me. They avoid the money. We grew up in this house. They avoid the outside world. They care about Cory. They avoid the mess.
My hair stays in the towel for about 10 minutes, and it's already sixty percent dry. I walk out f the bathroom in an old t-shirt and my Lulu shorts. My mom is doing the usual; she is looking at photos of her phone.
She tells me she is on a coloring app, or on candy crush, but I know what she is doing.
My dad is on his laptop, I know what he is looking at, he has been looking at it for the past three weeks. He does the same thing, lies.
He tells me he is looking at some papers, doing some work. He tells me he is just doing work stuff, but he is crunching numbers, he's trying to get me to Toronto. He is trying to get me to go to the school that I have been talking about since I was 11 years old.
My phone rings.
"Hey."
"Hey, how are you?" Shawn mumbles
"The usual. Are you eating something?"
"Sandwich, and what do you mean the usual?"
"Candy crush and work stuff."
"Oh."
"I don't know what to think about it, you know. Like my dad has a new obsession with money. He tells me that I can go to this school, but we all know I can't. My mom is not really moving on. I don't know."
"She is, it's just going to take her awhile, and your dad is trying to focus on something other than Cory, they want you to get here."
"I want to get there, so did Cory."
"Yeah."
"So you still haven't explained the roses."
"I am going to tell you the same thing I told you two weeks ago. I will explain, just not now."
"Holy fuck, when." I laughed
"Well."
"If you say soon, I swear to god."
"I have never hated you more in my entire life."
"You were going to say soon weren't you?"
"Shawn?"
"Did you seriously hang up on me? Shawn? Hello? Douchebag."
I would like to think that mom and dad are better, but I don't know. They don't cry very much. They sleep a few more hours before waking up.
They visit your room now. They talk about you more. They still haven't left the house much, but they will I hope. I think they are getting better, but they aren't better.
I know you're probably wondering how I am doing Cory, I wish I knew how you were doing, but I guess I can't really know.
My depression pills help, I hate taking them because I feel like I am sick, but they do help. Dylan and I are friends, we are close again, not close like before, but I think we will get there. We might even grow closer than we were before.
It will take time, but it's possible. My other friends? It's like they never existed, it's like they just vanished, and I mean most of that is my fault. I stopped talking to them. I stopped going to school I haven't given them an explanation.
But I don't really owe them one right?.
"No, Says Cory
"I am glad you think so too."
"Its cool here you know,"
"What's it like?"
"Its hard to explain, and I don't know if I am allowed to tell you."
"Oh, you had to sign papers stating you would be sued if you gave out the secret ingredients?"
"Sure, Sam, Sure."
"I miss you."
"Why? I am still there, I am still with you, just in a different way."
"I don't like that it's different."
"I know."
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