"Best friends, keep each other's secrets even if it could change things, make things great. If I told everyone that you were my best friend and gave them proof, I would be the most popular girl in school." I said.
"Then why haven't you told people?"...
Closer death comes as the days continue to pass. I know it's going to happen, there isn't anything left to do.
I know that death is easier than life for Cory. For everyone else, we have to live with the death, with the empty hole.
You don't know what you have until it's truly gone, and yet, here we are. I never thought about it as losing a brother. I thought the quote was more about love and friendship more than anything else.
I have taken my family for advantage, I never really had to think about what I had, what it would be like without them, and now I am being forced into the thought.
The darkness of the world feels safer than the light right now. The darkness hides everything, making it easier to ignore. Where the light allows everything to be seen.
Every time I thought about the future, Cory was there, with his wife, and his daughter. If I had a daughter, I would never imagine any husband or boyfriend, just me and my girl.
It was hard to think about Shawn in my future, I wanted him there, but I don't where he would fit in, I still don't.
I would be with both the girls, the girls would be the greatest of friends. I would love Cory's wife and she would love me.
I also imagined her as being this strong independent woman. Maybe she was an orphan or only had one parent. Perhaps she was adopted by one parent.
Cory would be a firefighter and she would be a doctor. I would be taken photos for a living, traveling to Australia, and Paris. I would take the girls sometimes, and sometimes my daughter would sleep over with Cory and his family.
They would have a golden lab, and two cats, all getting along perfectly. everything would always be in place at their house, clean and organized, never a single fight between the family members.
I knew Cory would have this family, the family that was betrayed in most movies and shows. The big house, the perfect pets with the happiest family.
I miss him already and he isn't even gone yet.
This trip was supposed to get my mind off of things, but I think I felt worse. I should be with Cory, every chance I get. However Cory did tell me to go with Shawn, he wanted me to go.
Cory loved Shawn, he loved us together, as friends and as more than friends. He would always have side conversations with him, ones I was never supposed to hear.
He believed he was the only guy for me, that Shawn was my soul mate. The type of love some will never find. Cory still believes it today.
"You okay?" Shawn asked
"Yeah, why?"
"You haven't said anything for awhile, and you didn't look be a sleep."
"Yeah, I was just thinking."
"Anything you want to talk about?"
"Not now," I whispered
"Alright, you know I am here whenever."
"Thank you, Shawn."
"Yeah, if you want to fall asleep, there is a latch underneath to lay the seat down."
'Alright."
He just smiled, but it wasn't his usual smile. It was a quick smirk. One you give when there is nothing left to say when you're disappointed when your best friends brother is dying.
I wish I could explain this feeling, this feeling of being ripped apart. I have been eating alive. There is nothing that can help, he is helpless. I am losing my brother, my only sibling, my younger brother, younger.
He is supposed to out live my parents, he is supposed to out live Shawn, he is supposed to out live me.
I stared out the front window, watching at the jeep pulled us forward. I wanted to scream, I wanted to just cry and burst out. I couldn't lose control, I had no control over anything but myself, I needed to at least stay in control of that.
The butterflies in my stomach started to smash into each other, they fought and twisted my stomach into circles. My head was pounding, my heart was beating, but my stomach was aching worse than anything else.
It began to push through my lungs, then back down into my stomach.
"Shawn."
"Yeah?"
"You need to, you need to pull over."
"What? Why?"
"I am going to throw up."
Shawn slowed down, as my body began to hunch towards the door, itching for my escape. I threw the door open begin hit with the dark crisp air.
No matter how refreshing, how incredible, it didn't stop me from throwing up.
Shawn came and stood behind me, placing one hand on my back and holding my hair with the other.
"I think I just ate something that didn't go well."
"No, I think you're stressed, you over whelmed. Your emotional and you need to relax, you also need to take care of yourself." Shawn whispered as if he hoped I wouldn't hear all of it.
"Are we almost back home."
"Only about ten minutes from town."
"Okay."
I pulled myself back into Shawn's jeep and stared back out the window once again.
"Just take care of yourself, Sammy," Shawn said t himself.
I looked at him, but he didn't look at me He kept his eyes on the road, and didn't show any interest in making eye contact with me, not even for a second.
"My mom's calling," I said as I pulled my phone out from my back pocket.
Shaw turned the music down, then gave me a quick look.
"Can you hold my hand."
Shawn placed his hand out in front of me but continued to stare at the road. I placed my hand into his and instantly felt safer.
I took a deep breath then answered my phone, praying that my mom was just wondering where we were. I was praying things were okay.
"Hello?" My voice cracked
Shawn's grip on my hand tightened.
"Honey, where are you?" She whispered, or maybe she was crying
"only a few minutes out."
"You need to meet us at the hospital."
"Why?"
"Honey."
"What?"
"I think. "
Crying, not whispering, definitely crying ... fuck.
"What?" I asked again
"I think this is his time."
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