"Best friends, keep each other's secrets even if it could change things, make things great. If I told everyone that you were my best friend and gave them proof, I would be the most popular girl in school." I said.
"Then why haven't you told people?"...
"When you need me, I'll be here. I know you don't want to talk about things now, but when you do, I am going to be here. I promise you that" Shawn whispered
I nodded.
It was the only real form of communication I wanted to use, I didn't have the energy to talk much, what was there to say anyway, what was I suppose to say.
Thank you for saying sorry, thank you for the flowers and food dishes, thanks for offering your love and support, but it all means nothing to me, offer me more. I want my brother to be alive, but more than that, I want him to be healthy.
I wish my best friend lived here, that I didn't have to hide who I was, that My life wasn't a complete mess all the time. I am grateful that I have two parents, but I wish they both could have been in my life more. I wish my mom could have helped my brother more
I wish he wasn't sick in the first place.
I had a dream, he was okay, I remember when he was okay.
It was too hard to say these things out loud, it was also a waste of time, energy and breath to say them out loud. Nothing good could possibly come from any of it.
I was tired of listening to listening to everyone. I was tired of thinking about old times and good memories, there were no good memories, Cory was always sick.
People who said they were here for my family, and sorry for my lost. They were happy though, happy their son, brother, cousin, a friend was still with them. They were happy that Cory was the one to go.
I could see it on their faces, feel their calm hearts.
I haven't said much to Shawn, and even less to my parents, there wasn't anything important to say. We were all thinking the same things, about the same person.
Nothing else mattered.
why send our thoughts and sadness into the air when we already felt in in our hearts.
The color white is no longer a grey tint. It's filled with black circles, cancer circles, dirt. The color white is no longer pure and beautiful, but dark and ugly.
a change of expression, sad, frustrated, happy and annoyed maybe?
"What are you looking at?" I asked Shawn who was staring at his phone.
"Nothing important."
'Nothing is, so what are you looking at."
"I honestly don't think it's a good idea for you to see this, I know you better than anyone else. Although it's a great thing and people are coming from a good place, it's something you're not going to like."
"Shawn."
"Sammy, please trust me."
"I do, but I want to know."
"Sam."
"Shawn, I can just check on my phone, if you're not going to show me."
This was the longest conversation I have had with Shawn, and here I was irritated and arguing. Arguing with the one person who saw me for me, the only real person I had left.
I was great at pushing people away, one of the strongest traits I had. I did it with Dylan, my mom, my dad, even Cory to some extent, and now Shawn would be pushed to the side as well.
Shawn slowly handed me his phone. He was on twitter.
"Look at the trending."
2 #WithShawn
3 #RIPCory
6 #ShawnandSam 7 #Welovesammy
Every tag had photos of Shawn and I at the hospital, people overheard our conversations, people knew everything that was happening to me.
I was grateful for the support, but I was tired of it, and now the whole world was now offering it.
Comments of people actually wondering if this was Shawn's mysterious best friend, if this was the real Sammy.
I clicked Shawn's phone to sleep then passed it back to him.
"You want to talk about it?"
"I don't want to talk about anything."
"I understand that I am."
"No, you don't you don't understand what I am going through, and you're not going to. I watched my brother slowly die, he is gone. Now I have to listen to a bunch of people talk about how sorry they are. when they didn't once come and visit him. I have to agree and say thank you to all the food dishes, that taste like shit. I have to hug people and smile. They look at me and expect me to cry, and when I don't they look at me like some heartless bitch. I am tired of crying, of lying, and hugging, and nodding. I am tired of talking. You don't understand, and don't try to."
Shawn didn't look mad, he just looked sad, not at the situation but with me. He felt sorry for me, and I hated that he was looking at me like this.
"I don't want anyone else's pity or their love. I don't want anyone else to call the house or to sent gifts. I just want to sit here, by myself. I don't know what to do, but I can't have people telling me. I need to do it, I need to figure it out because no one gets it. Not a single person and I am sorry if you don't quite understand your best friend, I am sorry if you feel bad for me, but I don't want you too, and I am sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I am tired, I am done, and Corey is dead. There is nothing else that needs to be understood,"
Shawn was quiet for a few seconds as if he was waiting to make sure I was done talking, to make sure there was nothing else I had to yell at him for.
"Okay." he said.
That's all Shawn said before leaving me to myself in my large room. Okay, I wanted to ask him what he meant by it. as he saying okay, I don't get it.
Maybe he was saying okay because he got the hint I needed to be alone, or maybe he was saying okay because I was sick of herding the word sorry.
I let him leave, I didn't ask him why or what anything meant, because even though I wanted to know, and larger part of me ... didn't care.
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I am sorry for making you all wait so long and for this to be a short chapter. Thank you for everyone who has supported me. I love you all so much ❤️
