I'm writing this journal for a reason, and that reason is to explain my life. Well, it's more our life. This book is for you Jack. I want you to read it until you understand every word. Don't skip the good parts because this is no movie when you can skip the painful parts. The rules are simple, you read and you understand. And to understand you need to be comfortable so on to rule number 2. Make sure you're somewhere private, not in front of your friends but alone. Maybe now you'll finally understand why my life ended, you'll finally understand it was all because of you.
Dear diary,
April 14th, 2017.
Before I met him, I wanted to escape away from this crowded place- where people pretend to be anybody else- and be in a different universe, where no one has to know who I am, yet when he came and enclosed me in his arms, I wanted to stay wherever he is, suddenly I didn't want to live alone in this world anymore. He was like the men you read about in stories, the ones that are impossible to find. I remember our third date, it's like a movie playing over in my mind. He politely pulled my chair back for me. I smiled as I sat down, and he pushed me closer to the dining room table. Everything was perfect, his hours of cooking had paid off; the pasta and the filet mignon were flawlessly prepared, accompanied by twin glasses of red wine. My date settled down across from me.
"You've really outdone yourself. This looks fantastic better than a restaurant could've done."
He laughed lightly. "And all in the comfort of home. You said you were a wine girl, right?"
"Absolutely. Honestly, you're embarrassing me now. My past two dates with you didn't come close to matching what you've done for me. I have to up my game"
"I suppose so," he agreed. "There wouldn't be a fourth date."
"Thank you," I said again looking up to him sipping wine.
I took a longer drink of my wine. He and I dug into our food, enjoying the light chatter. As I twirled my noodles with my fork I felt lightheaded, maybe it was love. It was like my thoughts were being bounced around between thick clouds, not able to form completely. Falling in love with him was so sickeningly sweet. His love was like honey sweet to taste but it burns to swallow.
That night, our 3rd date still plays over in my head like a never-ending movie, and just like a movie that's only a small part of the whole thing.
I think if I and Jack's love was a movie, this would be the next scene. Him slipping away from me.
I was too in love with him to notice that he was slipping. When he started coming home later I pushed it to the back of my mind. When his jaw clenched and his fingers dug into his palms I ignored it. When shot glasses replaced picture frames I kept a smile. I let myself see the you I first met. The one who had a touch so gentle it was as if there was no contact at all. You who's smile was so bright it almost made me forget about the world outside. You, who chased away my demons even when they towered over you. You who promised forever, who promised a future. (Too bad you couldn't keep that promise.) You who laughed like a child and loved like it kept you alive. The you who loved art and would jump during horror movies. The you who swore to protect me from the monsters in the movies and in the closet. But soon enough the monsters from the movies could be seen behind your eyes and while I was drunk on you, you were drunk on whiskey.
Next would be the fight, ours was simple. No pictures falling, no glass shattering just shouts and a slamming door.
"We can't be together!"
"Why because no one wants us together?"
"Yes and things would just be better if we ended it right now"
"So everyone else can be happy?"
"Yes!"
"What about you huh, will you be happy?"
"No"
"What matters more your happiness or theirs?"
"Theirs" he walked out and he didn't come back.
In movie life, he would fade out of the picture and there would just be me, and the audience would just assume Jack was happy somewhere else. Their right he was.
Here comes the good part, the one everyone sat through the movie for. My self-destruction.
I hear voices now, they're driving me insane.
"What if he came back?" The voice asks. "What would you do?"
"I don't know, I'm scared to think about that."
"Scared that you'd take him back?" the voice hisses. "Scared that if you did he'd just fuck your brains out again?"
"No," I say carefully. "I'm scared to admit I'm still wishing he did when he wouldn't anymore. But the fact that I'm scared tells me something, you know. I'm still not over us. I'm still here, not moving on from the last spot where we left the ending." I sighed and continued. "I'm scared to face the truth that he'snot coming back."
"So this is what you want, the permanent answer?" the voice was almost gentle.
"Yes"
If the movie the screen would fade into blackness because no one wants to see a girl kill her self, they just want to know she did. But this is not a movie this is society and if you're still reading Jack I went into the bathroom and I filled up the tub and I slit my wrists. And you want to know the last thing that was in my clouded mind. It was you Jack.
And that's the end of my life, or should I say our life.
Okay maybe this isn't important to anyone but I'm was so happy so I thought I would share
I met Jonas Bridges and he was so sweet and I just made my vacation 😫😫
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
