How to Say Goodbye

Chapter 22

Niall and Kensington stayed with me the next few days as I helped my parents plan the funeral. The tears on everyone's faces were like the rain outside; they didn't stop. And for once, I felt strong when I cried. I felt like it was the right thing to do. Whereas my mom sobbed and sobbed and was obviously weak and overcome with guilt, I just let the tears fall in memory of one of the most amazing people I knew.

A few days after Owen’s death, I  realized that saying goodbye to people was such a big deal to me. Being able to have a parting word of farewell meant so much. And I didn't get to do it with Owen. I didn't get to tell him I loved him or that he was the best brother in the world. In the blink of an eye, he was gone.

I never thought I'd have to wear it again so soon, but I took out the same black dress I wore to Jeremiah's funeral. Its sleeves went down to my elbow, and the neckline went up to my collarbone. It was fitting with a small red bow along the waist. I decided not to wear the gloves I had worn to Jeremiah's funeral. I slipped on my pair of black pumps and was ready for whatever came next.

Niall tried to lighten the mood as we prepared to leave for the funeral.

“You look just as beautiful now as you did seven months ago,” he said as he took my hand.

I squeezed it gently and gave him a hug. “Thank you.”

He pulled away and wiped the tears from my eyes. “Owen was very lucky to have you as a sister.”

I smiled shyly. “I was lucky to have him as a brother. There was this one time a few weeks after I broke his ankle when he came into my room in the middle of the night to surprise me. He told me he wanted to take me out on an adventure because he didn’t want me to hurt anymore. I told him that he couldn’t get anywhere because his ankle was broken, but he just shrugged and made me get up. I took my mom’s car and followed his direction to go to the park. We had to sneak in because the park was closed, and once we got in, he took me out to the center of a soccer field and laid down. I told him that the ground would be all wet and that I wouldn’t get my clothes all dirty, but he dragged me down next to him. And we sat there, just staring at the stars. We did that once a week until I finished high school.”

Niall took my hands again and started leading me outside. “He was very smart.”

I nodded and thought of Owen. Top of his class. Super talented in soccer. Hilarious. And now, he was just a memory.

We stood outside under black umbrellas. My parents were on one side of the casket; I was on the other, sharing an umbrella with Niall. Kensington and Rylee were standing next to me, trying their best to not have to blame the rain for the wetness on their faces.

I didn't listen as the pastor spoke of Owen and death, no emotion, no feeling, simply as if it was his duty, as if death was an everyday occurrence. I guess death was an everyday occurrence, but not to me. Not with regard to Owen.

The preacher asked if anyone would like to say anything. I looked up at my parents, begging them not to say anything or else I'd go off on them again. They must have gotten the message because they shook their heads. Niall pushed me forward directly next to the casket with the umbrella in my hand. He took his place with the crowd again and let the rain stream down his face.

I looked from the casket to him and back to the casket again. I hadn’t prepared anything to say, but I didn’t have to do much prepping when it came to talking about Owen. I cleared my throat and spoke loud enough for people to be able to hear me. "Owen shouldn't be in this place right now. He didn't deserve to die like this, so young and hopeless." I glanced up at my parents. "I'd give anything to trade places with him right now. I'd give anything for him to be here instead of me because he was such an amazing person. I could go on and on about how perceptive he was, even though he was only thirteen. I remember on his birthday, Kensington and I took him on a trip to New York." I laughed at the memory. “We got there, and he was instantly filled with wonder and excitement, as if he got the big city itch. We had been walking all day, and instead of taking a taxi around the city, we decided to take a bus. And the bus was crazy, though not any more crazy than it usually is in New York. This lady got on the bus, and she was dragging so many kids with her. She looked worn out and beat tired, as if she could use a good ten hour sleep.” I smiled to myself. “And Owen, valiant, chivalrous Owen, gave up his seat for her.” I paused a moment to look at the faces around me. Some were blank and emotionless, while others were fighting remaining under control, and there were some who let the tears fall calmly, letting memories with Owen surge through their minds. "In the past, I've always felt it was necessary to say goodbye to someone you love before you leave them. Anytime, anyplace, any circumstance. I felt like once you said goodbye, you could let go of them and just be free." Again, I paused and looked at everyone. "But that's not how I feel about Owen. I can see I'm not the only one here who doesn't want to lose the memories and feelings Owen gave me. I don't want to lose his presence around me." I looked back at his casket and hesitantly put my hand on it. "I don't want to know how to say goodbye."