One Too Many Thoughts

Chapter Six: Screaming to an Empty Sky

If you get triggered easily from people talking bad about mental disorders, I suggest skipping the part just after Josh was telling you how he met Erika and James. Go to where Josh starts yelling at them. It's not super bad, but I don't want to make anyone upset. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The weapon taunted Tyler like a dog wanted a rabbit. Tyler felt like the rabbit, and the item was the dog, getting to him and never letting go. It scared him in a way, but he ended up falling to sleep after an hour and a half of thinking about it, Julie, and Josh. He wanted to make sure Josh was okay when he left, but he kept forgetting.

The morning for Monday scared him a bit. He felt sick, and he felt weak. His stomach ached for food, trying to control Tyler's mind to go walk and grab something, anything. Slowly, he rubbed his face and went over to the mirror. The small pencil sharpener was sitting there, waiting for its next victim, or, the first victim. Tyler ignored it and washed his face before changing into an old sweater that he bought while fishing with his dad and Zack, jeans with lost color, and his favorite blue shoes. They were just the comfiest pair.

His sloppy posture kept tripping on the stairs and dropping everything. But Tyler didn't care. He felt sick, weak, and stupid.

Worthless.

Yes, that word. Especially that word.

Tyler told his mom he needed to get to school early for a project, but really he wanted to avoid breakfast and go to the bridge where he first met Josh. Or officially met him.

It was windy and cold, chills burning against Tyler's skin. Water stuck to his shoes and made them look gray. He sat by the bridge, his legs dangling off the edge.

You could jump. Is anyone there?

Tyler looked back. Nobody. He could.

I should, he thought. Josh has other friends.

It was all about Josh. Josh, Josh, Josh. Everything Tyler did was based upon Josh. He got mad at himself, but mostly Josh. Why was his life based upon Josh? His face heated up, and he could feel tears start to drip. Tyler looked up at the clouds. They were droopy, gray, and blue. They looked sad, they looked like nothing. Just like Tyler.

I am nothing, Tyler told himself. Nothing.

We could control you. You could leave. Be lost. Let us help you.

Tyler looked down at the waves crashing on the bridge. They were like living and solid versions of clouds.

"I wish I could just leave," Tyler mumbled. "I wish."

He breathed a sign of frustration and stood up, wiping the water and dirt off his pants.

Tyler couldn't remember anything he did, and felt nothing anyone did to him. He worked in silence the whole day. Even at lunch when Josh went to find him outside, Tyler told him that he wanted to be alone. He wanted to sit in silence. Josh knew something was wrong, but he didn't ask. The big part that Tyler was curious about was Julie. Since he looked and felt dead, Julie almost tried to avoid him. She glanced at him once and raised her perfectly shaped eyebrows, almost as to say "what the hell are you wearing, you whore?"

Did Tyler care? Nope. Tuesday, and Wednesday were the same. Tyler only ate at super time and threw it up later. And everyday he felt more dead, more lost, more gone. Every day the blade haunted him. It told him it could save everything, it could help everything, but Tyler didn't think anymore. He didn't feel. Tyler wished he could explain how he felt about himself, but that was the thing. He didn't. Writing seemed his best friend, but even that couldn't help explain how he felt. He felt nothing pretty much, he couldn't smile, even fake, no matter how hard he tried. His anxiety told him everyday that people were judging him, that people cared about if he was stupid, but his depression overruled. It said to him that it didn't matter. He pretty much felt like if someone were to be under a sleep drug and the whole building was crumbling, and he said that you could hear the sounds, you could hear the screams, but you couldn't move, and you knew you couldn't move because you were trapped. Like Tyler, he could hear, but not listen.