Heartlessly Insane

Untitled Part 8

I was laying comfortably in his arms in the field like we were before, but instead of it being night time, it was late afternoon and the sun was just starting to set. His arm was draped across my collar bones, and my chin was resting on his arm. I softly brought my fingertips to his arm, and started tracing the rose tattoo on the back of his wrist. His breath broke for a second and his heart started to race as soon as I made contact with his skin, so I took my hand away and moved so that I could see his eyes. I started into his dark green orbs, and looked at him questioningly. He took my face into his hand and brought my chin up to his and whispered against my lips.

"You only have to hold on a little bit longer before you meet me."

He was pulling me closer and was about to touch his lips to mine, but then as soon as they touched, he disappeared. I was in the field alone, and it was freezing. The only warmth that was present was the tears coming out of my eyes and dripping down my neck.

I woke up screaming and holding my arms over my chest, as if that would fix how broken I felt. I cried for a few hours before my body became completely numb. I stared into the distance as I slowly peeled the blankets off of my skin, and crept out of bed while staring at the floor. I knew that everything that I had been dreaming, had been a lie, because he had left just like everyone else in my life. I was already in enough pain, but that had been my breaking point. I walked slowly to my closet and brought down my bottle of vodka, and unscrewed the cap off of the unopened bottle. I closed my eyes, and brought the mouth of the bottle to my lips and took a deep swig. After swallowing and wiping my mouth, I walked slowly into the bathroom and sat the bottle on the counter as I bent over and turned on the shower as hot as I could stand it. I stripped down, grabbed my velvet box out of the medicine chest, and grabbed the vodka. I took a deep breath before closing the door and stepping into the shower. I sat in the corner of the shower with the bottle between my legs, and the box on top of my thigh. I let the tears run free, and the only sound I could hear, was the sound of the water hitting the walls of the shower, and the deep sobs coming out of my mouth. I drank almost half the bottle, and then took my little metal savior out of the velvet casket of everything I had ever had hope in.

I held the blade to my inner thigh for the first time in three nights. I took a deep breath right before pressing down as hard as I could and flicking down. I heard a popping noise before I even bothered to look down. A line of thick, hot, blood, was running down my leg and into the shower drain. I kept going, and by the time I was finished with my thighs, I had almost 50 deep slashes. I decided to keep going, but move to my arms. I closed my eyes and slashed till I felt satisfied enough to stop, and when I looked down, I had almost 100 deep slashes. I put the razor back inti the box, and picked my bottle back up. I slowly sipped on the rest of the bottle and let the hot water rush down onto my stinging wounds. I laid my head back, and the last thing I remember seeing, is his face. Tearstained and red, and he kept asking me, "why?". Then I saw little stars dancing before my eyes, then everything went black.

When I woke up, the first thing I saw was a line of fluorescent lights, shining brighter than the sun. My head was pounding, so I rose my hands up to my face to cover my eyes, only to have someone lightly grab my hands and move them away to put my arms back down onto my sides. I let my eyes adjust before I realized, it was my mom. I was shocked because she wasn't supposed to get back for another week.

"Mom what are you doing here? You weren't supposed to be back for another week."

"I got back early for your birthday today, and I found you in the shower."

Tears started to form in her eyes as she continued.

"You were colorless and cold. You kept bleeding and it wouldn't stop."

I started to cry as she got quiet and laid her head down onto my pillow.

I looked down at my arms, and it had to have been the saddest sight I have ever seen. I had 8 stitches in every cut on my arms, some even more. With seeing my arms, tears dripped out of my eyes, because I couldn't even begin to imagine what my thighs looked like.

Our crying session lasted for a couple minutes before we got interrupted by a nurse walking in. I was shocked because I couldn't even believe what I was seeing...