Searching for the Monster's Child :.Book 3 in the Delfunie Trilogy.:

Chapter 10

"Mavis?"

I killed him.

"Mavis, baby look at me."

Lucian was dead because of me.

"Mavis!"

I snapped out of my own thoughts to see Ragnar in front of me, holding my shaking hands in his steady ones. He slowly brought them to his face and that was when I saw the blood. I ripped my hands from his and looked at them, seeing the crimson stain on my hands on them only made this more real. I killed Lucian.

"I...I killed...Ragnar, I killed him. Lucian is dead because of me." My hands trembled even harder as I spoke and looked to Alex who handed Ragnar a clothe or something to wipe my hands with.

"Mavis, you did what had to be done. He was going to kill you and you did what you had to to stay alive." He cleaned off my hands with a water bottle before using the clothe to wipe them clean.

"He was going to kill me...I had...to?" It came out as more of a question than a statement.

"Yes, you had to. Just breathe." I couldn't do as he asked as I was hyperventilating. I tried to take in deep breaths but my lungs just weren't working. My vision was beginning to blur and my head started to spin.

"Here, give me your hand." I did as he asked and gave Ragnar my hand, he then placed it on his chest before taking in a deep breath. "Just do as I do, baby. Feel my chest rise and fall as I take in breaths and you do the same. Okay?" I just nodded quickly and tried to follow suit. I placed a hand on my own chest to feel myself doing the same.

It took a few minutes but I was finally able to breathe on my own without Ragnar's assistance. I took as many deep breaths as I could before finally feeling myself calm down. Alex stood then and walked over to Richard and Lucian's body. I just looked to Ragnar for help.

"Mavis, you did a good thing. You killed a monster. Lucian was here to kill us and you..."

"Because of me." He froze as I spoke. He looked shocked at my words and tried to think of anything that he could say that made sense. "If I had just let this all go and moved on with you, this never would have happened and I never would have put any of you in harms way. I am so sorry."

"Mavis, we don't blame you. We came along willingly and knowing exactly what could happen. Mavis, none of this is your fault." I looked in his eyes and to find any sign that he was lying, that on some level, he did blame me and that it was my fault. But I couldn't find any. I looked to Alex and then to Richard and saw the same. They didn't blame me either.

"Mavis, this was a choice he made. You shouldn't blame yourself for what he did. He was going to kill you. You have to know that." Alex said, kneeling in front of me, genuine concern in his eyes. I just nodded. With everything going on, I felt that this was something that we have to deal with later because honestly, it was little compared to everything else.

I spent the rest of the day laying in the back of the car. I didn't want to talk to anyone and they all respected my distance. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing the blood on my hands, the look in Lucian's eyes as he realized it was over, the sight of his lifeless body on the ground in front of me with the knife still standing straight in his chest.

"Mavis, we're stopping for lunch, do you want anything?" Ragnar asked, standing over me. I looked up as he brushed the hair out of my face, stroking my cheek softly. I just shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to get some sleep. I felt him kneel in front of me.

"Mavis, you need to eat. You..."

"He was a person, Ragnar." I yelled, opening my eyes. He stopped and took a deep breath, taking my hand, squeezing it. "He may not have been a good person but he was still a person and I killed him. I killed someone." He placed a comforting hand on my cheek again.

"I know. And I wish it wasn't you but it was and we can't change that now. I wish we could but we can't. We will get passed this, Mavis. We will get Jax back and we will get passed this, it's just going to take some time." I just nodded as he stood, still holding on to me.

"I'm still not hungry." I said with a small smile. He laughed a little and nodded.

"I believe that is Mavis code for I'm starving but I want to be alone so please bring me my food." He said still smiling down at me. I stayed where I was and he walked back to the doors and went to get some lunch.

Ragnar left me alone again after lunch and went to see what was going on up front. We got moving not long after that and I tried to get some sleep but as before, every time I closed my eyes, I saw him. I finally sat up and gripped the edge of the seat until my knuckles turned white. This was all too much. First the nightmares and now this. I just wanted my son back and now everything is turning sour.

"Hey, we're stopping for..." I looked up to see Alex standing in front of me. "Is everything alright?" He asked, sitting next to me. I felt my eyes begin to sting as tears filled my vision.

"No." I answered. "Nothing is okay. How is it supposed to be okay when I killed a man. How am I supposed to just get over that, Alex?" I asked angrily, looking over at him. He didn't seem to know what to say but I could tell he understood where I was coming from.

"Mavis, Lucian wasn't here because he wanted to help get his son back. He was here to kill us. To stop us from getting to Jax. You have to know that."

"I do, Alex. Believe me I do but I am still having a hard time with this." I answered but he simply smiled.

"Mavis, it was him or us. You did what you had to do. What you did..."

"I don't care what I had to do, Alex. What I care about is that I killed a man good or..."

"That was going to kill all of us." He yelled back. I was a little shocked. "Mavis, you saved us. You saved all of us. Look at that aspect instead of the one you're looking at." With that, he patted my knee softly and went back to the front of the car.

"We're stopping for the night. Get some sleep, you look exhausted." I looked up at him, still stunned but managed to smile back.

"Oh, yeah. Good night." I said as he walked away. I sat there, still mauling over in my brain what Alex had just said. I did save everyone. If I hadn't killed Lucian, he would have only started with me. He would have killed Ragnar and Richard and Alex. Then where would the kids be? Mom and dad can't watch five kids and my sister would be absolutely no help to them. I knew that we have to get back to them safely and together.

"Hey, you." I looked up to see Ragnar walking over and sitting next to me. "You still want to be alone?" He asked, quietly. I shook my head and he smiled, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, pulling me in.

"No, I want you to stay with me. I want to sleep." I said, laying back with him. He kissed my forehead and pulled me even closer, if that were possible and we both closed our eyes. I still saw Lucian but it was different now. Now I knew that I didn't need to be afraid. I didn't have to feel guilty, I just had to move on and find Jax. That was all I could do right now anyway.

At some point during the night, I had horrible nightmares but now it was different. Instead of being Lucian with Jax and now Ross, it was just Lucian. It was Lucian standing in front of me, bleeding, stab wound still oozing the dark red liquid. I looked down and saw the stains on my hands and no matter what I did, they wouldn't come clean. I was freaked, I had no idea what to do or what was even going on.

"Mavis! Baby, you need to wake up. Come on, wake up!" I sat up but when I did, I felt a searing pain in my hip. I placed a hand where the pain was coming from and noticed it was wet and warm.

I was bleeding.

I had been stabbed.