Muke One Shots

Too Feel or Not to Feel

My girlfriend and I just broke up so this is my creative outlet.

Is Michael Clifford Gay?

Michael Clifford Gay?!

Michael From 5SOS Rumored to be Gay!

@5sosfrenzy: ew what the fuck, is michael gay?

@lukethepenguin134: @michaelclifford are you really gay because that's disgusting!

@calumyespls: The boys have been sharing rooms with a fag? I bet he snuck pics of them or something

Deep breaths. In and out. It's okay. You're okay. You are safe and you are okay.

I tried to concentrate on my breathing. I tried to stop the shaking from taking control of my body. I tried to stop the tears from flowing down my face. I tried to stop the pit in my stomach from growing any deeper. I tried to stop the thoughts from taking over my brain. I tried so hard.

I could feel the shaking increase, I felt the tears run faster, I felt the pit branch out, and I heard the words in my head. I felt it all. I felt every agonizing second as my mind began to give up. As my mind could not take the pain anymore. I felt it, and I gave in.

I let myself feel the hurt and I let myself shake. I let that dark pit grow until I felt like I was going to pass out and I let every word of hate and pain into my head.

fag, pervert, disgusting, mistake, disappointment, fat, pig

"I hate you"

"just fucking kill yourself you faggot"

"you're a fat fucking pig"

"I can't believe I ever liked you"

I shouldn't let it get to my head. I should try and fight. I should hold onto something. Anything.

But the thing is, I was too tired. My mind was exhausted, my body felt weak, and I just didn't want to fight anymore.

I was the one causing myself this pain. I was the one who keeps holding on. The one who keeps checking my messages. I'm the one who has kept hope. And all that has done for me is destroy me.

I simply did not care anymore.

I felt my eyes burn. I felt the sobs rack my body. And I decided I was tired of feeling. I didn't want to feel my chest caving in, my veins pumping nothing but pain. 

I threw my phone across the room, letting it collide with the window, shattering it completely. Nobody would care anyways. Nobody.

I stood, my body struggling to gain balance as the shaking took over. 

Lock the door.

Don't look at yourself.

Don't look in the mirror.

Just grab them. 

Just grab them.

Just grab them.

I was now in the bathroom, staring down at my shivering hands grasping the cold, metal sink.

And I looked up.

My hair was bleached, tugged in every direction. My eyes were bloodshot. My cheeks were flushed. My skin pale. I was a mess. 

But nothing compared to what it is like on the inside.

Just grab them. 

I looked at myself. I was fat. I was ugly. I was everything they called me. I was gay.

I felt my fist collide with the glass before I knew what I was doing. I still kept looking at myself. And now my reflection showed what it is like on the inside. Shattered.

I felt the pain. I felt the glass digging into my pale skin. But it didn't hurt compared to the pain in my mind. 

Just grab them.

I couldn't break eye contact with my reflection. All of the cracks running over my skin. All of the shattered glass, all of the broken pieces. Eyes gray, mind cold. 

Just grab them. 

My hand lifted, pulling the shattered glass open to reveal the medication cabinet.

Just grab them.

Orange bottle.

Just grab them.

Peeling label.

Just grab them.

'Michael Clifford' Antidepressants

Just grab them.

Fingers wrapped around my escape.

Just open them.

Lid falling to the floor.

Just take them.

Pills poured onto pale skin.

Just take them. 

Pills sliding down a dry throat.

Just lie down.

Head rested on the bathroom carpet.

Just close your eyes.

The world fading into a black shadow.

Just dream.

A place of happiness.

A place of colors.

A place of beauty.

A pale boy with bright green eyes. 

A boy with blonde hair and a smile written across his lips. 

Hands intertwined, hearts interlocked.

No fear.

My mind fell into a place of happiness. I couldn't even hear the door slam open. I couldn't see his tears. I couldn't feel his pain. I couldn't hear his screams.

"ASHTON CALL 911!"

All I could sense was peace.

"No, please. Mikey, baby no I love you."

All I could feel was love.