SELF [JEON JUNGKOOK]

ninety six

baby girl: honestly, a lot.. this may sound stupid but i really miss jeongguk.. like i miss him a lot right now.. i just wish he was here holding me and telling me everything was going to be okay and that we'll get through this, and it hurts that he can't.. i haven't had an actual conversation with him in over a month.. most i get is "i'm busy" or "i'm about to go to sleep", which really fucking sucks if you ask me. i miss our stupid conversations about random things, i miss fighting about who loves each other more, i miss getting those random "i love you" texts, they might not seem like much but they kept me going.. and at this point i don't think he understands how much of an impact he's had on me and how i feel empty when he's gone.. i hate to say this, but at this point i'm honestly just considering breaking it off with him. and it's not because i don't love him because i do.. i'm so fucking in love with him and i love him with my whole heart, soul, my whole fucking being, hoseok.. it's just that the option of ending things and never talking seems better than being together and not talking.. is it? i honestly don't even know. i'm confused myself at this point. i don't even know what to think anymore. can you help me, hoseok? please?

gguk💘: nari?

baby girl: hmm?

baby girl: fuck

baby girl: that message wasn't for you

baby girl: how the fuck did i click your contact?

baby girl has deleted one message!

gguk💘: it's a little late for that

gguk💘: do you really feel like that?

gguk💘: why am i even asking?

gguk💘: of course you do

baby girl: jeongguk...

gguk💘: i'm sorry, nari. i'm sorry that i can't be there with you right now, holding you telling you that everything is going to be okay and that we'll make it through this. i'm sorry that i can't always find time in my day to text you, no matter how much i want to. and i'm sorry we really haven't talked that much, i didn't realize it had been that long.. and i'm sorry that when i do text you it's something short, i'm either always practicing and recording or always tired and ready to go to bed, and i bet that really does fucking suck. i miss our random texts too, and i miss fighting about how much we love each other, and i miss sending those random "i love you" texts, i'm sorry i barely have the time to do that anymore. i barely have time for myself anymore.. and i hate that i'm causing you pain through all of this because that's not what i want at all. i want you to be happy, nari, truly happy, not just some facade you're putting up to please other people, true happiness. and you know, i might not be the right one for that, even though i want to be. so if you want to break it off, tell me right now.. tell me before i fall deeper in love with you and before either of us get hurt more than we already are.

baby girl: but you are the person that makes me happy, jeongguk..

gguk 💘: obviously not, i'm hurting you..

gguk💘: my god, why didn't you tell me that i was hurting you?

gguk💘: i don't want to hurt you

gguk💘: i want to make you happy but i'm failing

baby girl: you're not failing..

gguk💘: it's okay, you don't have to deny it anymore

gguk💘: i was your first boyfriend and i made a promise to myself to treat you the way you deserve to be and i messed up and i'm sorry

baby girl: was? you still are

gguk💘: yeah, maybe that's the problem

baby girl: no, it's not a problem. couples have rough patches all the time, this is ours. it's normal..

gguk💘: you were the one who was going to break it off and now you're trying to say you don't think we should break up?

gguk💘: you know this isn't the first time you've wanted to break up with me

gguk💘: am i really hurting you that bad?

baby girl: no, you're not hurting me at all

baby girl: i let my emotions get the best of me, and i don't think before i press send

gguk💘: so if you wouldn't you'd hide your feelings from me?

baby girl: don't try to twist my words

gguk💘: well you know you're the one who always brings up breaking up

gguk💘: and you know if that thought is constantly in the back of your mind, maybe we shouldn't be in this fucking relationship in the first place

baby girl: you know what? fuck this. fuck arguing with you. i know how i feel, and nothing is going to change that. i'm in love with you, i love you, and i don't know why you're choosing to not see that right now. i'm sorry i'm in a rough patch right now, but they happen and i eventually get over them and everything goes back to normal. i know that when you told me you were going to debut as an idol, i knew that i wouldn't be able to see you all the time. but you know i'm sorry that i fucking miss my boyfriend sometimes and that i get sad when we can't talk or be together. you remember when you first confessed to me?? you said you knew about me being scared to get hurt, and that you'd never do that, but you're doing that right now. so if you're going to break up with me, do it now. do it now because i'm done fighting.

baby girl: i'm done caring.

baby girl: done with everything.

gguk💘: you don't mean that..

baby girl: you know, maybe this time i do.

gguk💘: please don't..
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gguk💘: nari
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gguk💘: baby please
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gguk💘: i fucked up
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gguk💘: just please let me know that you are okay
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gguk💘: please don't do something that you'll regret
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gguk💘: why am i so fucking stupid?
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this is such a mess and it's all over the place but lmao whatever