Integritale

Chapter 29: Words I can't give you

''My dearest Serifa,

It's our first year anniversary today. Oh, how I wish you were here to celebrate it with me! I'd get you flowers and prepare you a romantic dinner...though I'd probably fail miserably. But, knowing you, you'd happily eat it and call it delicious anyway. That's the kind of person you were. God, how much I've missed you...

After you...''left'', I obviously cried a lot. Soon, everything went dark. All I remember is waking up in the hospital at New Home. Apparently,I had used up all my energy by pausing time without realising it. The ones that found me and took me there were the two Royal Guards that were after us. They saw me covered in your blood and got scared about me...even though skeletons don't bleed. Yeah, they aren't the smartest people.

Everyone was there at the hospital, worried about me. Papyrus, Undyne, Alphys, Asgore. Since your body was destroyed by bones, they assumed I was the one that killed you. Well, technically, I was. They all congratulated me for ''killing the evil human and giving monsterkind the fifth human soul it needs so much''. Pretty ironic, huh? I was feeling horrible about what I did and what had happened, and there they were, being happy and praising me about it.

I got released from the hospital at the same day, but I didn't go to Snowdin, no matter how much I wanted to. See, Asgore, in celebration of the acquisition of the fifth human soul, decided to have a lot of ceremonies and parties. And, of course, as the ''hero that took us one step closer to freedom'', I had to be there as the honored guest.I'm not exaggerating when I'm telling you this, but it was one of the worst experiences in my life. Having to fake smiles and accept praise and congratulations, while on the inside, I was dead (no pun intended there, don't worry). I hadn't even come to terms with what happened,but I had to look happy. I just wanted to scream out and burst into tears. But that would only raise more questions that I was in no mood or state to answer. Thankfully, Papyrus didn't tell anyone about us either. It would complicate things and I wasn't prepared for that.

Asgore offered me a position as a Royal Guard after my ''heroic deeds''. Needless to say, I refused it. The last thing I wanted was to use your unfair death as a chance to climb up to a higher social status.Understandably, Papyrus was pissed off about that; he has been trying to get in the Royal Guard for his whole life and I straight up refused that chance I was so kindly given.

When I finally returned to Snowdin, I went straight to bed. Your scent was still there. I was -and still am- enamored with that scent. It felt like you were still with me and I longed for that. I didn't leave my room for about a week until Papyrus just came in and pulled me outwith force, cleaning everything. I was angry at him at first, but I soon realised how worried he was for me. I hadn't walked, eaten or even talked for a whole week. No wonder he was trying to get me moving.

Unfortunately,it took a lot more than that to get me back on track. When my room was cleaned and your scent was vanished, I just had to accept it: you are gone for good. That's when depression really hit me. I was just lying on the couch all day, watching TV. Well, I wasn't watching,really. It was just an excuse for Papyrus not to bother me. I hate admitting this, but yes, even talking to my own brother felt tiring back then. I was longing for the time when he'd leave for training or for work, so I could cry on my own.

But it's thanks to Papyrus that I've managed to recover. To my surprise,he is way more mature than I thought. He was the one that asked Undyne to let me have a few days off work. And, when I would still refuse to go out, he convinced her that I was sick so that these''free'' days would turn into weeks. After bombarding me with his over-energetic attempts to make me laugh, he soon realised I wanted to be left alone and didn't bother me with his usual shenanigans. He would only prepare me food that I would rarely eat and leave me to my thoughts.