drawings

2

I have the day off today, and I feel very alone inside my head. 
I go sit on my trampoline, again. 
I check my arms out of habit and only see normal drawings, but know better than to bother him. 
I lay out my journal and flip through my mix of finished and unfinished songs. 

I stop on a page and softly sing 'Kitchen Sink' to myself as I try to find motivation to finish the other songs. 

I flip to a page full of random parts from the song 'Goner' and decide this is the one I want to finish. 

It all seems to flow perfectly, my mind spitting lines like it's nothing.

I didn't even notice I was crying until a few tears hit the page. I finish the song and slam my journal shut, then pull my knees to my chest. 
I put my face to my knees and let my silent sobs overcome me. 
When I manage to at least calm myself down a little, I gather all of my things and run inside. 
I refuse to give in. 
Blurryface.
Blurryface. 

He just wanted me to make myself bleed, he wants me to give in to him. 
The only way I've found to distract myself is to draw on my skin, to not draw blood.
I find a sharpie and start on my arm, writing how Blurryface will not win. 
I drew everyplace on my arm that I could, my hands looking almost black. 
I gripped at my neck, wanting to be able to breathe. 
I couldn't remember falling asleep, but when I woke up again it was almost midnight. 
I walked into my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and gasped. 
My hands were completely black, my neck was black with prints from my hands which made it look like I was strangling myself. 
I really hoped whoever my soul mate was, they hadn't seen any of that yet. 

I turned on almost scalding water and started scrubbing my skin with a rag.
My arms came clean, my hands only left the reminisce of the ink, and my neck was clean.
My skin had become a dark shade of red from me scrubbing so hard.
The rag, after all of this, was completely black, causing me to giggle.

I put on some actual pajamas and go downstairs to eat. I grab a snack bar and a water, then eat silently in my kitchen.

I wish I at least knew my soul mates name, but those chances have only dropped substantially.
When I finished my snack, I set my alarm for work and fell right back to sleep. 

At work the next day, the boss called me into the office.
"Now, Tyler, I really appreciate everything you do for my store. To show that appreciation, I'm promoting you to manager, your pay will increase by 4 dollars and this will be effective immediately."
"Mr.Urie, Thank you so much oh my god."
My boss only smiles, showing he understand my gratitude.

I walked out of his office, with a whole new layer of happiness. I heard the door bell ring and said my normal phrase. 
I walked back behind the counter and saw the boy, again. 
"Hey! Did something go wrong with your drumsticks?"
"No, actually, I came here to see you."