fuck. i forgot cedim again. it's literally almost the next day and i'm emotional as hell so here is day 13 of cedim
okay i feel like i'm having a lot of emotions coming right now and i don't really know how to deal with them so i'm gonna write. write anything
i'm scared. i'm really scared. why is everything in life scary? why is everything unknown but at the same time already known by everyone else but you.
why are others so amazing at being humans and i just fucking dropped the ball. how can they be so amazing and i'm just absolute shit?
why is life so fucking weird and unpredictable
is it weird that ever since i can remember i always was secretly hoping in the back of my mind that today was my last day. that tomorrow the world would just randomly end and i would be left to die with no guilt at all. i wasn't being selfish in dying it just happened.
every time i get in a car i secretly hope i'll get in an accident
or every time i board a plane i hope it'll crash
it's so incredibly horrible and selfish i get mad at myself for thinking it
my first thought when landing with my first plane was 'oh well. maybe next time i'll die in a crash.'
it's just this little nagging voice in the back of my head and i want it to shut the fuck up. i want to finally have silence
i want everything to make sense
sorry i just left and had a little breakdown and i just.
i don't know.
i don't feel better
i have to go
sorry today sucked hopefully tomorrow will be better
bye
