New Girl - The Creatures

Chapter 14

My heart nearly leaped out of my chest when I saw Seamus leaning against my door frame. He had an odd glint in his eyes, reminiscent of disbelief and surprise and vague regret. "So," he said after a moment, a slight shake in his voice. "You like me?"

I could feel the sweat budding on my palms, the nervous lump forming in my throat once again. "I think so... it's not like it really matters," I sighed, the thought of him dismissing his flirts coming back to mind. This was getting so fucked so quickly, and I could feel every little wall I'd begun to build be scrapped entirely. "It doesn't matter?" Seamus asked, frowning. "It matters, quite a bit. What makes you think it wouldn't?"

I chewed on my lip yet again while staring at my floor, thinking distantly about how my lips were going to be constantly chapped if I kept up this nervous habit I'd recently developed. "Because you're you and I'm me. You blew off kissing my cheek like it was absolutely nothing and you're so incredibly captivating and you're so fucking funny and smart and witty and beautiful and kind and soft spoken when you let people see past the 'sarcasm with Seamus' bit and I am the human embodiment of a slug," I rambled quickly, refusing to look up and feeling an onset of fuchsia creep across my cheeks and spreading to my ears.

I glanced up after a second to see Seamus' eyes well up slightly, and a pink hue was strewn on his face as well. He seemed to be taken aback by my sudden and reckless confession and blinked a few times. He walked further into the room and closed the door behind him, an action I was grateful for since we lived in a home with 5 other constant tenants and Jordan practically living here as well.

"Oh my god, I didn't mean to make you upset I'm so sor-" I began to hastily say, terrified of the thought that I made those eyes I was so fond of getting red and puffy and spill over. He held up a hand to as if to say that he needed a moment, which I obliged to immediately. After some time, he spoke.

"I cannot begin to fathom the idea of you ever thinking about me like that. Or that you feel as though I would never give you the time of day. Sam, do you know what I thought when I saw you, standing there in front of the staircase that very first day?" he said, voice quivering and somewhat hoarse, like he was trying desperately to keep his emotions at bay. I shook my head no, terrified that I wouldn't be able to hold back my own. "I couldn't begin to describe to you the aching I felt. How it felt like you were some long-lost figure from my past, somewhere far and distant and this was our reunion. And it freaked me the fuck out," he laughed shakily, and I couldn't help but smile nervously, trying to conceal the inward panic I began to feel. Oh god, we were feeling the exact same way. Oh my god. I felt a surge of relief that clashed oddly with the tension building inside of me.

I hugged my abdomen as he continued as if I was trying to press all of the squeamish nerves down and stop them from writhing in my stomach. "So I tried to talk to you in hopes that I was just feeling groggy from sleeping, and that you'd be really boring and uninteresting. Of course, I was completely fucked the second we started talking. I couldn't believe that someone could make such fast quips in retaliation to my own, or that I'd meet someone both incredibly beautiful and smart and actually know their shit about video games," he paused, smiling fondly. But then his face fell. "I couldn't stop from flirting with you and being drawn to you. It's kind of pathetic, I just threw myself at you without thinking about how dangerous this is." I felt my heart drop in disappointment.

"Dangerous? What about this could be dangerous?" I managed through my now incredibly dry mouth. "Don't you see it? This is too unstable, what if we decide to go on a few dates and find out we can't stand each other? And then have to continue living just down the hall from one another, trying to forget about the kissing and the hand holding. You saw how angry I got about the Aleks thing, and you summed it up perfectly. I'm not even your boyfriend and I was furious. If anyone pulled that if we were dating..." he trailed off, perhaps to spare me from all of the gory details.

"So what are we supposed to do then? Since you don't want to risk anything?" I realized how hollow my voice sounded. And how this made me realize how badly I did care about him, his stupid messy hair and his sarcastic drawls and how denying it was stupid, to begin with. I hated how quickly I'd become attached to him, and how weak it made me feel.

Seamus wandered closer to the door, a vacant look in his eyes as he grasped blindly for the handle. "Nothing, I guess. Just act like we never really cared about each other like that in the first place. I won't be weird or mean about it. Can we be friends still, though?" he asked, a worry line appearing on his forehead. "Yeah, sure," I replied, still sounding hollow in my head. I gave him the most convincing smile I could, and that seemed like enough to placate him. He gave me a small smile and left my room without another word. I heard his footsteps make their way down the hall, and the distant sound of the stairs creaking. When I heard his voice faintly start a conversation with someone downstairs, I let go.

I don't remember the last time I cried so badly. I don't remember the last time I felt so god damn stupid for crying, too. Why the fuck was I crying? It's been a month that I've known this boy, I need to get a fucking grip on myself. But I couldn't right then. I cried out of anger and out of sadness and rejection and loss, too. I was so furious with myself for pointing out that he shouldn't give a fuck about what Aleks did, for not being more reciprocative to Seamus' flirting, to let him shut down any chance we could have had without even trying to convince him that it could work.

I glanced up at the clock I'd propped on my desk from my spot on the bed, straining and squinting from the distortion my tears gave my vision. 7:52 PM. That was early enough to go to bed, right? I sent James a text from the number he gave me during a round of Mario Party we played a few days ago, rewriting every couple of words due to the typos my shaky hands made.

"Hey, just to give you a heads up, I'm absolutely exhausted from painting my room earlier today so I'm gonna get some sleep now so I'm not dead tired tomorrow. If the others need anything from me like a spare kidney, just tell them I'm in a coma and the paint fumes finished me off."

I tried hard to be funny so James wouldn't think anything of me retreating so early in the night, or that anything had happened earlier when he walked in on Seamus and me about t-

Fuck, I'd forgotten that we almost kissed. That somehow made everything so much worse, and any crying that may have ceased came roaring back now. The sting of loss was far more vigorous and intense than it had been earlier, and I couldn't stop crying, which made me mad at myself because I've been here for like, 4 weeks, which made me cry more, which made me sad because I felt so pathetic, which made me cry more.

Without stopping the now heavy sobs that essentially handicapped me, I stumbled out of my clothes and tugged on a heavy, plain black hoodie and my go to comfy sleeping pants, which were a soft navy and had Eeyore in various stances. I felt a twang of irony at how I was crying and wearing pants with the most depressing childhood figure in existence as I turned off my lights. I was shrouded in the dark momentarily, til my phone screen illuminated briefly, indicating a new text. I made my way across my room, and unlocked my phone, wiping away the tears that had slowed to a trickle rather than a roaring stream.

"You're officially a senior citizen. Your kidneys will be gone by morning, old man."

I smiled at the text, and how well I could hear James saying it in my head. I realized that he probably kept it brief and funny for my sake and that he probably knew that something was up. I could feel a headache begin to come on from all of the cryings as I wrote my reply.

"Make good use of them, junior. My days in 'Nam weren't for nothing."

I turned off my phone after I sent the text, and laid down in my cool bed. I bundled myself up in the blankets before drifting off into unconsciousness, feeling colder than usual that night.