New Girl - The Creatures

Chapter 29

*Some elements of this chapter may be triggering for those that struggle with eating disorders.
U.S National hotline for eating disorders: 1-800-931-2237*

102. The scale flashed this at me 3 or 4 times, almost mocking me, like "You're not there yet!" I sighed, not knowing what to really expect. I hate weighing myself. I never can tell if I should be happy with losing so much weight or being disappointed for not losing enough. When I lived with Marie I wasn't allowed to have a scale in the house. But no one could stop me here.

I pulled my hair into a ponytail and studied my reflection in the mirror. My collarbones looked okay, but I needed to wear a big sweater anyway since we'd be in a movie theatre for 12+ hours for the Avengers marathon. I'd be a popsicle halfway through if not. I groomed my eyebrows a little and did my typical makeup routine before taking my hair out of its ponytail.

My grandpa sweater collection had grown out of hand since we got back from PAX as if it wasn't already over the top before. I decided to grab a long sleeved burnt yet muted orange sweater with a collar and three buttons. It was meant to be a shirt on a tall guy in the 90's but was basically a dress for me. I slipped it on and tugged on some atypical black leggings before lacing up some black boots.

I made my way downstairs to wait for the others before we headed out to the movies. Jordan was waiting with Dan and James, and not long after I came downstairs, Seamus came lumbering from the basement. Max would be meeting us at the theatre along with Aleks and Sly since our car would be full.

It had been almost a week since Seamus apologized to me. James was as cold as ever but seemed to still put on a happy face for the camera. Seamus was talking to me some more, predominantly if the group went out somewhere to get food. He would ask me if I was planning on eating and when I said no, didn't try to change my mind. He knew better.

We went out to Jordan's car, camera in tow via Dan, and James, Seamus, and I all acted like there wasn't some kind of tension between us. We all poked fun at Jordan when he tried to take down a wasp nest with a pen, bless his heart, and kept up some bits on the way to the movies. I liked when Dan filmed stuff for the channel because it helped me keep from thinking about what was going on. It helped me escape.

As we got out of the car and waved over Max and the others, James suddenly screamed about going to see the Avengers. Something about him yelling made me angry, and I felt a jolt of annoyance shoot through my body. Every time he did something to make a scene for laughs I winced, frustrated that I couldn't join in like I used to.

Seamus offered to get me some popcorn, but I declined and opted for a diet coke instead. I hated the way it tasted, but I wanted something with caffeine and the theatre didn't sell any coffee. We ventured into the dark theatre, and I got seated on the end beside Seamus. Next to him was Max, followed by Sly, Aleks, James, Dan, and finally, Jordan.

At some point during the first movie, Seamus noticed I was shivering. He slipped off his hoodie and gave it to me. He was wearing a short sleeved green shirt but didn't seem to mind having one less layer. All it really did for me was keep my hands warm. I thanked him and smiled, glad that we weren't going at each other's throats anymore.

I only semi-paid attention to the first couple of movies. I sipped on my drink til it became watered down, then swapping it out for just a cup of ice chips. We were about a third of the way through Iron Man 2 when I decided to get up and stretch my legs. I wandered out into the lobby of the theatre, stretching my back and shoulders before leaning against a wall and closing my eyes as a wave of lightheadedness washed over me.

"Having fun?" a voice startled me and my eyes shot open. It was James, who I immediately suspected was making sure I wasn't about to snap and take off. He was expressionless. I smiled at him before replying, "Yeah, my legs just started to fall asleep." He didn't return my smile, but glanced me up and down and sighed. "You need to eat something. Come on," he said, gesturing for me to follow him. "James, I'm not hungry," I protested before my stomach gave me away with a horribly loud growl.

He grabbed my hand and dragged me to the food counter and ordered a giant tray of cheesy fries. "Eat." he said when we sat down at a secluded table surrounded by plants. I pleaded with him and glared as he didn't budge. "Why do you care all of a sudden? I thought you weren't talking to me," I grumbled, refusing to touch a fry. I wasn't hungry. I never felt like I was.

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. "You just don't get it," he mumbled. "James you were my best friend, please talk to me," I pleaded again, hearing how desperate I sounded. "Whenever you're with Seamus, he doesn't give a fuck if you don't eat! He doesn't try to help, he doesn't try to get you through every day by making you laugh or get you to eat something, anything! But you still pick him!" he was whisper yelling at me, refraining from making a scene in the way that he could.

"What do you mean, pick him?" I hissed back. "Never mind, forget I said anything," he said before standing up. He stormed back into the theatre and I just sat there, the fries boring a hole into my head. I felt the tears coming and I tried to keep them from starting, but it was useless. I grabbed a fry and ate it slowly, feeling my mouth salivate at the taste of something with substance. Tears streamed down my face as I started to eat more, shaking uncontrollably as I just let myself gorge. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help it.

I covered my face in my hands, crying still. All of my hard work was gone because of James. I couldn't believe I just ate so much. I ran to the bathroom, which was thankfully empty and had every intention of getting it to come up, but every time I leaned over the toilet bowl, James' face popped back into my head, looking hurt and torn. I pleaded with him to just let me get hold of it again because I could keep it under control. I knew I could. I screamed into my hands and finally got the image of James out of my head. I had control again.

I stood up and looked down, the smell of vomit permeating my nostrils. I flushed it and went out to the sink and rinsed out my mouth, splashing my face with cold water. I looked in the mirror and saw a ghost staring back at me. Its eyes had horribly dark circles beneath them and its cheeks were gaunt and skeleton-like, pale chalk-ish skin stretched thin over its jaw and cheekbones. We even had on the same sweater.

I left the ghost to keep staring into nothingness as I returned to the theater, popping a piece of sugar-free gum in my mouth to try and mask the stink of vomit. James didn't look at me the rest of the night. All through the rest of the movies, I tried to invest myself as much as I could so I wouldn't think about what I did in the bathroom. I'd never done that before. Thankfully, the Avengers movie was amazing and I felt that it was semi worth it, sitting in a theater chair for 14 hours.

We all piled back into our respective vehicles and headed back to the house. Dan began filming with night vision on and asked our opinions on the movie. James was yelling at different passerby, sounding like a wounded hyena. I couldn't help but laugh despite our earlier argument. He suddenly screamed out to someone, "I'm gonna suck your dick!" Everyone started to cackle and we eventually settled down enough to give our opinions of the movie.

We finally got back to the house at 4 in the morning and I went straight to my room, not wanting to really talk to anyone, even though no one knew what I did in the bathroom. I peeled off my clothes and wrapped myself in blankets, mentally exhausted. At some point, while I slept someone knocked on the door and woke me up, but I ignored them and kept sleeping, dreaming about everything just being okay again.