New Girl - The Creatures

Chapter 35

I wrote, and stopped periodically to show them what I wrote before erasing and moving on.

"When I was in high school, I had two best friends. One was Marie, who you guys all know, and the other was named Jessica. Jessica was very thin and pretty and had a different boyfriend pretty much every week. I wasn't fat, but I wasn't exactly small either. I wanted to be more like her, so one night during a sleepover, she showed me this diary she had, documenting every single food intake she had and her thoughts on what it meant to be Ana. I didn't understand at first, but Ana is what a lot of anorexic people shorthand anorexia as almost like it's a friend trying to help you. Jessica had me start weighing myself constantly, even after eating something as small as an almond or a carrot stick. She told me that if I wanted to be pretty like her, it's what I had to do.

And so I did that for months, dropping weight quickly. No one but my mom and Marie really noticed, and when they did, my mom threw out the scales we had in the house and Marie had her parents lock theirs in the bathroom when I came over. I wasn't allowed to hang out with Jessica anymore, who didn't really seem to care either way, but I kept eating the bare minimum I needed to so I could stay alive. After we graduated high school and I lived with Marie, she did the opposite of Jessica and made me document everything I ate so that she could make me eat more. I started to go to a therapist and stuff started to get easier and though I didn't eat as much as I once had, I wasn't starving myself. Up until about a month ago. I got into a really dark place and instead of talking about it, I reverted back to drinking black coffee and eating nothing during the day. I even made myself sick one time when I ate because I was so upset with myself and wanted to feel in control again. So when I was going down the stairs, I was trying to go and make myself eat something because I wanted things to be like they used to be. But instead, I slipped from being so lightheaded, and you guys know the rest." 

Everyone was quiet after I finally finished writing. I had been looking down, too ashamed to look in anyone's eyes. I didn't want to disappoint them. Aleks spoke first, and asked me how much I weighed when I got to the hospital. I felt a lump rise in my throat and someone, I'm assuming James, swatted his hand and made a face at him. "N-no, it's o-okay. I was 97 puh-pounds. I've guh-gained 11 pu-pounds si-since I star-started eat-ing hos-haus-spital f-foo-food," I said quietly. I heard Monica gasp, and I finally made myself look up at everyone. They all looked devastated and worried, and Dan was actually crying. "F-fuhck, I'm sor-sorry, pl-plea-please don-don't cry," I apologized quickly, and he shook his head. "I just didn't know you felt like that. I think almost everyone here has been through some dark stuff, and I don't want you to feel like you have to be alone during all of that. We're always here for you," he sighed, wiping at his eyes and looking around at everyone.

I felt my eyes well up again. "I ju-just didn't wan-want to disap-dis-disappoint any-anyone," I cried, and I held my face in my hands as someone came up and wrapped me into a gentle, albeit bear hug. I could hear Dan tell me that it was okay and to breathe, and I hugged him back as I tried not to sob like a big baby. "Sam, you could never disappoint any of us. Especially now that you have cool scars," Max said, trying to cheer me up.

Dan let go of me and stood back, and I smiled at everyone, wiping my eyes again. Seamus looked shell shocked. "I love you guys," I said, subconsciously taking note of how I managed to say a sentence without stuttering. I sat up in my bed as they all came over to hug me, each of them reassuring me that they loved me too.

Seamus was one of the last two to hug me, and he buried his face into the crook of my neck and whispered, "I'm so sorry," quiet enough for just me to hear. I didn't say anything but smiled at him reassuringly as he let go. James hugged me last and did the same as Seamus, but instead whispering, "Want me to kick his ass?" I laughed loudly as he too let go and stood with the others. Seamus shot him a sullen look, but it went unnoticed. "Can we all stop crying and give this girl her presents?" Sly whined, clearly excited to give me the little elephant stuffed animal he had been wielding the whole time.