New Girl - The Creatures

Chapter 36

James came back into the room, and, to my surprise, packed up his duffle bag. "I think I'm going to go home and sleep in my bed and give you some alone time if that's okay with you," he said, glancing over at me as he wrapped up his laptop cord. "Y-yeah, of cour-course. I'm ack-actual-ly glad, y-you n-need a shou-sho-shower," I grinned at him. He laughed and flipped me off, seemingly relieved that I didn't mind he was taking some time for himself. I was actually excited to have some time to think and take a freaking shower and chill out.

As James finished packing, he slung his bag over his shoulder and looked at me. "Listen, about me kissing you... I don't want you to think I was necessarily doing something or that this was my plan the whole time," he said, fiddling with his strap. I raised my eyebrows at him but said nothing. "I don't mean it like I didn't want to or that I don't want that with you, I mean that I didn't want you to think I was just trying to take advantage of you. Because I do want to be with you like that. But right now I want you to focus on getting better," he said, trying to cover up his verbal misstep. I smiled at him and nodded, knowing that he would understand if I didn't want to try and stutter out a response just then.

Dr. Beck came in just then, and James took that as his cue to leave. "Please text me if you need anything. I'll have Jordan airdrop onto the hospital roof if need be," he grinned before turning and leaving. Dr. Beck smiled at me, asked how I was feeling, and before long we got into the swing of things for the session that day.

After a few hours, she had me practice another statement to see how far I had come during the current round of therapy. She held up a card that said, "I would like to buy one tomato, please." I took a deep breath before trying to tackle the dastardly, tomato riddled sentence.

"I w-would like to buy one tomat-t-to please," I said slowly, feeling myself get tangled on the repetitive ts in fucking tomato. "Try it again. Focus on the annunciation of each sound, but let them melt together. It's sort of like a soup. You want all of the different flavors to blend together, but don't let them get lost or overpower anything," Dr. Beck encouraged cryptically. Though the simile was strange, it made sense.

"I would like to buy one tomato. P-please," I added on hastily, forgetting the 'please' at the end. She smiled, and after another hour, she got up to leave.

"I think that we'll have one more session tomorrow morning and then you'll be ready to head back into the real world. I'll speak with Dr. Altman about having you discharged. I'm proud of you, Sam. Keep up the good work," she beamed at me.

I felt so validated by her praise and stood up to stretch as she clicked the door shut behind her. I fumbled around in my bag for my Coheed and Cambria shirt and my iconic Eeyore pants. I took them and the small bag of toiletries with me into the bathroom, which had a shower, as the room was intended for patients that would be staying for an extended period of time.

I turned the shower on and let it get scalding hot before I changed out of my clothes and slipped into the searing waters. I had to crane my neck back to keep my scalp from being burned, but the rest of my body was soothed by the intensity. I wouldn't be able to properly wash my hair for about a few more days since the scars on my scalp were still healing, but my forehead scarring was looking kind of cool. Healthy, but cool.

I got some water on my fingers and combed through my hair so it would at least dry untangled, gingerly tiptoeing around the right side of my scalp. I washed my face with this weird apricot scrub Jordan had grabbed for me which I'm assuming came from Monica. It surprisingly made my skin feel so nice, and I made a mental note to thank her for it when I finally would get to go home.

I clambered out of the shower, shivering from the sudden change in temperature. I got into my PJs and climbed back into my bed, desperate to wrap myself in my new fuzzy blanket. I flipped the TV on, cracked open my box of Hello Panda, and was about to dig in to an episode of Grey's Anatomy when I remembered the letter that Seamus had left on my bedside table. I felt a jab of worry at what it could possibly be, especially considering that he mentioned James wouldn't be pleased that he wrote it.

It was still resting beneath the card that Sly gave me. I slid it out from beneath and leaned back. My anxiety was going nuts. I was getting that really lame and not fun metallic taste in my mouth and it felt like my heart and my stomach were in a fist fight. I unsealed the envelope and pulled out the folded up sheet of notebook paper. Writing on both sides. Ah shit.

Seamus had surprisingly clean handwriting, and it was almost... pretty? I popped a Hello Panda cookie into my mouth for moral support and started reading.

Sam,

It's 3 AM and I can't sleep. I haven't been able to really sleep since you fell. I know that sounds lame, but it's true.

I wish I could tell you how sorry I was right now. I know that I apologized for what happened with Ash, with you, with everything, but it wasn't enough. I didn't say enough. I can't tell you how much I wish I could go back in time, to that day in Sterne Park, where we laid in the grass. I wish I would have kissed you then. Ever since I met you I've felt drawn to you. But the thought of losing you as my friend or losing any of the guys because I was with you terrified me. If only I'd seen that would have happened because I didn't choose to act upon my feelings. Now every time I see you I'm reminded of my fuck up and how I hurt you, Ash, and James simply because I couldn't talk about how I felt. How I still feel.

Because I feel something real for you, Sam. I still want to be the man for your ideal life, the one that you could wake up beside every morning and want to gaze at instead of a beautiful sunrise. The one that would have their shirts stolen by you as we made pancakes in the morning. And I'm terrified that I've fucked things up too much to keep me from being able to have that with you. To keep you from having that with me.

And now, I see how much James loves you. He's always loved you. He's been there for you since the very beginning, especially when I was too dumb to put my worries to the side and be there. I guess you guys must be together now, since he said he was your boyfriend when the paramedics came. Or maybe he just said that to make me mad? I don't know.

I think this is getting really redundant and I'm sorry for making you read this when you should be getting better. But what I'm trying to ask is if you'll take me back. If we can finally give 'us' the shot that I fucked from having in the first place.

We can talk about it more when you get home. Get better soon.

Sincerely,
Seamus 'Paddy' O'Doherty