New Girl - The Creatures

Chapter 26

I woke up the final morning of the convention feeling bleary-eyed and so not fucking ready for another day of walking around. I'd slept a little better last night than I had the time before, largely in part to James getting me my favorite ice cream and letting me watch The Office, the perfect comfort duo.

I was in a bundle of blankets that I didn't remember falling asleep in. I sat up and looked over at James, who was sleeping blanketless on his own bed, his mouth open a little. I tried not to laugh at his snores and felt a slight pang of guilt as I realized he must have covered me in blankets when I fell asleep. He was being so nice to me. I didn't deserve it, I deserved to sleep in the cold.

I got out of the blanket mountain to brush my teeth, rubbing my eyes and trying not to yawn. My phone informed me it was 6:45, so it was still a little dark out.

After I left the bathroom, I slowly got dressed, changing to a pair of black high waisted mom jeans and a slightly cropped mustard yellow sweater, the sleeves a little too long to not be rolled at least once. I slipped on some Chelsea ankle boots and went out to the balcony, watching the sun rise over the city.

I thought about how someone else was standing out on their balcony, probably watching the same sunrise and having their own problems to think about and if they were more serious than mine, if they were happy or if they hated being awake like I did.

I leaned on the railing, looking down at the parking lot below, somewhere in the back of my mind reminding me of how steep of a drop it was. I picked up my feet and stood on the bottom bar of the rail, leaning over the side. I suddenly wanted to see how far I could go. I felt my left foot rise, heavy as a cement block. It took forever to move.

I took a deep breath and looked down, surprised to see how far over the edge I was. I blinked a few times and stepped back a little, pulling my hair forward so it would swirl around my face in the wind.

I decided that standing was a little too dangerous for me, so I instead sat down in front of the railing, look out over the city. I was so cold. I felt my cheeks suddenly get wet and I wiped my eyes, trying to get them to stop. They wouldn't. I wouldn't.

I heard the screen door to the balcony slide open and some light footsteps behind me. "Sam, are you okay?" he said. I felt myself reply, surprised at how steady I sounded. He went back inside. I didn't.

I sat out there for a while, feeling how heavy everything was and how light I would feel on the way down. I tried to keep it away. I knew it had gotten bad, but when I rarely had a second away from James, I didn't realize how bad it was.

Not eating was typical of me during these periods. My parents never knew about it and I tried to make it seem nonchalant. But James could always tell. He made sure I always ate. He tried to get me to laugh and feel good and sometimes it worked. I would be able to function. I needed to be able to function, even if it was just for one more day.

"James?" I croaked, my throat catching halfway through. I didn't know if he'd be able to hear me out here, but somehow, he did.

The door slid open again. "What's wrong Sam?" he asked, walking over to me and squatting so we were eye level. I just started crying. It wouldn't stop. "It h-hasn't been thi-this bad before," I tried to say through the tears. "I wish it would stop."

He sat down next to me and put his hand on my knee. "Hey, I'm right here. I can help," he said, trying to get me to look at him. "I don't get i-it, I was doing okay and I just came out here to feel how nice it was today and I just started to realize that no matter how hard I try, I won't be enough. I hate that I'm this upset I feel so stupid I hate this," I said, trying to wipe away the crying.

He was quiet but his arms were by his side. Something compelled me to scoot over to him and get between his arm and his chest and lay my head on his shoulder. I don't know why I'm so upset. I was doing okay.

Yeah, I wasn't eating, but I was okay. That was okay for me. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer to his chest so I could be more comfortable. I was so lucky to have James in my life. I can't believe he's putting up with this. No one else ever has. But I've always hidden it before.

"Sam, I promise you're going to be okay. You may not be today or tomorrow, but I promise that sometime soon you won't have to worry about whether or not someone will hurt you again. I didn't realize how badly you'd started to like him. And I'm so sorry it didn't work out. But I promise that you'll be okay soon," he told me, abandoning all of his typical colorings of humor. It was strange but nice to see this side of him. He was so warm.

"I'm sorry you're having to do this, I don't even know what happened. I just came out here and then my eyes became broken fire hydrants. What happened to the angry me, the one that refused to be upset and I was screaming on top of a parking garage?" I said, laughing bitterly at my transition to frailty. I hated this.

"Don't apologize. You're my best friend. I think I'd be feeling the same way if I found out that the person I'd been head over heels for wound up dating someone a few days after telling me they weren't interested, and then decided they weren't interested in who they were with and thought that they could just turn around and make it okay. I'd feel confused and, probably like you're feeling like I wasn't a good enough first choice," he said.

"I think it's bothering me so much because I've never been in a relationship or ever even had a crush before. I've never even kissed anybody, and to be so close to all of that and it just slip away because I wasn't enough hurts so badly," I sniffed, feeling how puffy my eyes were.

"You've never kissed anybody?" James said, sounding surprised. I laughed bitterly again. "Nope, never have. Probably never will," I said, knowing how melodramatic I sounded.

"Oh, come on. Anybody would be lucky to get to kiss you," he said somewhat hastily. I turned and looked at him. "Have you ever kissed anybody?" I asked him. He cleared his throat and looked away. I realized his arm was still around me.

"...no. I haven't. I've been on dates before but it never got that advanced," he said after some time. "Man, what a bunch of losers we are, never kissing anybody or being in a relationship. We suck," I said, leaning my head back and looking up at the sky, laced with pinkish hues as the sun rose higher.

I looked at him again, a sudden thought bursting through my mind. "Do you want to be each other's first kiss?" I asked him, sounding a lot braver than I felt. "Really? Why?" he said, looking bewildered. "Well... you're my best friend. You're my only friend that's been here for me like this. I'd rather my first kiss be from you than anyone else," I said.

His face softened, and he nodded. "I would like that," he said, retracting his arm from around me and looking me straight in the eyes. "Okay, let's do this then," I muttered, tossing my hair over my shoulder.

I closed my eyes and leaned in.