If I Fell

~36~

"Don't you live in Surrey, why are we going into London?" I watched another road sign turn from harsh bright as the cars headlights flew past, into darkness.

"Well funny story that" John tossed me a small shy smile and returned to watching the road "I sort of have been divorced by Cyn"

"How can you 'sort of' divorce?" I watched as he chewed his lip, biting down with a cautionary frown.

"Not sort of. Divorced.. she quit, says I don't pay any attention to her. I agreed and she filed" The words hung in the air, tugging at the lightness around our presence, the mini such a small place.

"It wasn't me was it"

"No course not, you and me didn't even get anywhere but a movie and a few nights of sweet kisses" He was smiling but I was grimacing at the nothingness of it all.

"I'm just a prick truth told, zipper drops and my brain disappears with it... too often than not"

"John!"

"It's horrid but true I can't keep my pants zipped nor me wife happy" John continued and I turned in the seat to watch him speak the truth "Sorry, it's been the truth for years since we got married. You Abbs, even though we were really good together, I couldn't do it to you... for a quick fuck... you were, are, better than that and I realised it very early on"

"I thank-you for not quickly fucking me"

"You are most very welcome"

"So, what now"

"Quick Fuck"

"John!!"

"Sorry I just had say it and get a rise out of you..... You're so easy to stir up!" He laughed and then had to hold a hand up to protect himself from my punches to his shoulder.

"Ok, Ok! Settle down. Driving here....if you hadn't noticed" John pointed forward belittling me and I sat back in the seat.

We were closing in on St Johns Wood and I found the gate opener button getting it ready, then dropped it into the darkness at my feet, uttered a bad word and found it again. All the while John laughing at my predicament.

As it was quite late all the gate birds that hovered waiting like vultures for Paul, were absent, I let my breath out, pressed the button and the gate slowly opened.

"Thank Christ" slipping from my lips as I, for once, wasn't being accosted.

"I know right.... I don't know how he can stand the constant presence of them. Always here.." John mused then started mimicking the girls high voices.

'Paulie marry me'

Paulie I wuv you'

'Paulie let me suck your c- "

I thumped John again and he laughed hysterically at my wide eyed, horrified face. "Awwww, you know it's true" I reacted badly for some reason my mind diverting back to that night with Paul, I blushed at how close Paul and I had come to being together, my face must have told a thousand secrets.

The car suddenly felt like a tiny tin can; like one you buy your sardines and pilchards in, tiny, tight, and all too claustrophobic.

When John pulled up rather abruptly before the garage, he grabbed me back before I could escape the now stifling confines of the car "You have got to be kidding me, you and Paul? Shit Abbs"

Twisting roughly out of his grasp, I escaped and he thankfully gave up the questioning and instead alighting from the compact car to open the trunk.

I grabbed my bag and kept my chin high, pushing past as he shut the boot, then scampered up to the door fumbling with the keys, fingers shaking all the while, the door suddenly relented and I tumbled in and up the stairs away from John's, now frowning questioning, face.

I sat on my bed for good half an hour and decided I was being silly, we hadn't done anything, I shouldn't be behaving like a guilty person.

He was still downstairs, the slow hum of the telly drifting up the stairs as I opened my door, I would be best to explain even though I shouldn't have to.

"Hi"

"Hey, thought you had passed out asleep" He was lying on the couch, hugging a pillow to his chest his eyes shut tight, shoes kicked to the floor and his maroon sock covered feet wiggled as he spoke.

I'm glad he stays in that position, if he looks at me like he did before, I think I may shatter into a million pieces of Abigail never to be fixed. I un-crumple my brow and wander across to the ottoman sitting at the end of the couch, his feet stilled beside me, I drew a sigh and started....

"I need to explain"

John held a hand up "No, not necessary, none of my business what you and Paul get up to, tis it" Still the eyes are shut and I begin to assume he doesn't care... Why else lay perfectly still, eyes closed to the sight of me. As I go to get up and walk away he is on at me again, his latte eyes covered by a thin layer of skin still "But if you needed to get something off your chest I suppose that would be ok"

"I-" Suddenly I need to sit, the ottoman gave my wobbly legs respite.

"Nothing happened we kissed that's all......" as the words tumble I internally cringe thinking to the morning of my near mistake. My near miss with my emotions jumbled and swishing about within me. The way I said it to John, the way I worry, I'm sure he heard all the near misses I thought of.

I am so unsure of everything.

"I can't trust anything of myself I think, you see. I am addled in the brain unfortunately. Anytime I am flattered, touched, I want more, I want it to be love. I'm warped"

"You're not warped you're just human, Abby. Everyone wants love"

Suddenly he is sitting up and holds my hands, testing my fingers fit with his, I groan. John gorgeous Lennon is touching me... he drops them to my knee, patting my other knee like a forgiving father.

He jumps up and strides across to the piano and taps a few keys, I suppose trying to roll up his thoughts to explain them to me.

"Take me for example, I projected my crush onto a woman making her turn into that crush, not a hint of the girl I met even exists anymore. She is so hell bent on living as my crush she forgets herself AND she feels I only want that too, even after years" The lid of the piano slams down and we both do an oops we're in trouble face. "I've grown up out of the crush and she never noticed"

"Yes, but did you ever tell that girl to be herself?" I hit a nerve and he returns to the sleeping position on the couch. 

"You do know love and sex are two things don't you, Abbs? Just sometimes you're extremely lucky and find someone to have both with" John opened one eye and watched me fidget "Or you can't love....so only sex occurs"

The eyes squeezed back shut, shutting my questions down, silence reigns. The night has made us both irritable and tired "Well I'll leave you to it then, goodnight John"

Grabbing up the couple of scotch tumblers that are half hidden under the table I stand to watch him for a bit longer from the doorway, he rolls on his side to face me and pokes out his tongue to break the sadness that lingers between us and I have nothing to do but smile, it's like a sixth sense for him, always knowing where everyone is in a room.

Paul told me once that there were 100 media blokes in a room and the boys had been separated but within 20 seconds John had them all rounded up and gone. He knew where they all were, even if they didn't.

I flick the light off, I guess he is sleeping in the lounge tonight, the house is so quiet and the furnace isn't on but the temperature feels just right, I'm surrounded by a blanket of warmth.

"Bridget Bardot"

"Pardon" I'm standing on the bottom rung of the stairs, waiting for the penny to drop.

"My crush, Bridget Bardot... Night Abbs"