If I Fell

~28~Big Fat Idiot

"I'm a big fat idiot" I yelled as I flew down the stairs moments after John had left. I slipped into the chair across from Paul, taking a swig of cold tea which made me cringe.

Paul got up and reheated the kettle, turning toward me he leaned back on the counter, holding the edge with both his hands, then he changed posi and crossed them on his chest in front of him. Nope! Back to the first posi he went,  holding the edge again.

"Ummm that would be a big no to all of that" He smiled tightly as I watched him chuck out my old tea and refill the cup with steaming brown liquid, 3 teaspoons of sugar placed in and stirred before I could utter a word.

"Why didn't you tell me"

Paul walked out the back door and strode across the patio then back toward the door, he did that twice.

"Paul!"

"He. I.... Cyn. They aren't the best you know it's not a rosy time he has. He is more here than there" I joined him at the door the blackbird was back, to mock me no doubt.

"I can't believe this shite. shite shite shite!" I pushed past him rudely and the bird flew across the house and away "I'll have no more of this. The truth or nothing Paul. Is it a bro code. A Beatle pact, is that it?"I swung around on him only for him to step back from me.

Nothing, he watched me rant and rave and stayed silent. He doesn't know himself either, is that why he didn't say anything? Wandering dejectedly toward the stairs to the garden, I decided this was utter madness.

"I wanted him to fail you, all right! I wanted him to be the horses arse. He's good at that, ya' know" Paul took a step forward. I was on the bottom step of three, they led into the garden so I was looking up at him now. "I knew, it was wrong but still I-"

He paused, his face in a frown, inwardly digesting what he was saying "I wanted him to hurt you and make you cry. I didn't want to be the one to make you cry, Abigail"

"But I am and he isn't here, is he"

"Come here" Paul bundled me up and we sat on the bench beside the oak tree. The clouds, as grey as my heart loomed above.

Three days of moping in my room.

I scowled in the bathroom mirror at myself.

Get over it, Abby

Paul was out all day yet again. The house was quiet, the grandfather clock ticked away in the hall and the tiny sparrows pecked at the window wanting Paul to serve them his treat of a few crumbs of bread. Shooing them away toward the grass I fed them the crust from the plate on the sink.

It was a truly glorious day and I had missed half of it, a sweet gently breeze touched the leaves of the oak as if to say 'look at me', the branches covered in green, the timber chocolate brown and rough. The sun shone, welcomed warmth made me sit on the step, lean back and drink in her offering. Truly beautiful.

Picnic! That's it. I'll keep myself busy and make dinner a picnic!

I made scones and skimmed some cream off the top of the milk to whip, spooning out thick and sweet fruit laden strawberry jam into a bowl. I rushed down the bakery for a loaf of bread while a sponge cake hopefully rose splendidly in the oven then I started on actual food.
Devilled eggs, ham and pickles, potatoe salad, cherry tomoatoes.

I surveyed the results, the blanket spread out underneath the oak tree. Cutlery, cups and thermos of tea, some condiments sat in one corner. The food inside the house still. Plus a pitcher of lemonade, my first attempt at making; it was sour and sweet all at once and I wasn't entirely sure if it was even tasting right but I made it exactly how the recipe stated in the American magazine, that Jane had dropped off.

I waited.

And waited.

Then fluffed the cream a tad more and assembled the cake, a clean tea towel covered it so not to dry out.

All the food was in the fridge or on the table and I lay against the oak, gazing up at the leaves.

I waited.

And waited.

I rolled over on my side; I dozed off.

"Abby?" "Abby" "Abigail.....there you are" Paul sank down beside me and I saw stars, no not from sitting up fast or seeing heartthrob McCartney but real, live in the sky, stars.

"What time is it?"

"Did you find her?" George stuck his head out the kitchen door two scones in his hand, waving at me. "I'm off, ta for the grub, Abbs"

"Bye" I waved as we both said goodbye.

"It's nine o'clock Abbs" Paul looked around at all my handiwork "You should have called the studio love"

"That's all right, I'll pack it up and we can have it another day"

"No. NO!" Paul stopped my hand midway between the thermos of tea and the salt shaker "Let's have a night picnic! It's warm enough. I'll go get your sweater and mine, ok. Be back in a jiffy"

Paul ate and ate, and ate. He finally sat patting his stomach as I lay my head on his shins, a shin pillow to watch the stars. He leaned back contented against the oak tree.

"Shove over" He picked my head up and scooted round so I lay in one direction and he lay pointing in the other, our faces adjacent though. "Don't you let Harrison eat my piece of sponge cake tomorrow when we go down the studio"

"I won't. It turned out good if I do say so myself" I rubbed above my chest with my knuckles like I was dusting a medal. "I made too much food though- again"

"It was loverly, the lads won't mind all the leftovers" Paul scampered up on an elbow looking at me. I pretended to put a finger up his nose "Ewww, Abby" He tickled me stupid.

"No more I'll be ill!!" I coughed which made him roll away hastily "Haha- not"

We settled back down on the blanket and the stars shone magnificently above. Paul had moved the blanket out from under the tree to the centre of the garden, the stars became our roof of shimmering light.

"I'm pretty chuffed I got a good cook" P

"I'm pretty chuffed I got a good-looking brother"

"I'm pretty chuffed you look after me" P

"I'm pretty chuffed you let me"

"I'm pretty chuffed I get to do this with ya" Paul cuddled beside me and we gazed up the darkness was as black as the stars were bright.

"I'm pretty chuffed ditto"

"Abigail" P

"Hmmmm"

"Ummm" P

"What's up?" I was the one to roll over on my side and I was the one to see his face in the half light of the porch and I was the one to see his special smile as he tucked a stray hair or two behind my ear, I kissed his cheek and settled down beside him again.

That smile was mine tonight.

I loved having someone smile just for me.