If I Fell

~45~

Home to Jim

"Knock, knock!" I stepped through the front door and Jim yelled greetings from the kitchen.

"Abigail, my lovely" I sunk into the chair beside Da and hugged him as he looked from my case to me and back again "Trouble in paradise dear?!"

"Don't you start" I nodded thank-you as Julie, Jim's nurse, presented me with a cup of tea then hightailed off to the bedsit "I came for a visit, can't it just be that"

"Paul And John called"

I rolled my eyes and Jim chuckled "My, my, Abigail. Not one but two worrying all about you"

"Please, can I just put my bag in the Mike's room upstairs"

"Not Paul's!?"

"You're a bloody stirrer, you are. Surely they didn't tell you all of the problems!?" I finished the tea and picked up the bag, fleeing to Mikes old room.

******************

I didn't come down for lunch and when I never joined Jim for dinner, Julie ended up stood in the doorway tapping her foot as she relayed Jim's messages from the bottom of the stairs. 

His leg was playing up and he had moved into a room downstairs much to his chagrin. Now I used his disability quite nastily, if I am truthful, to my own advantage.

And the stilted conversation ran back and forth following the stairs, either up or down.....

Get down here, Abigail- No thank-you -Right now- No, I'm tired – Abigail, young lady I want you down here at the dinner table expedientially– Goodnight- Please Abigail – I can't, I don't feel well – Julies' bringing you food – No thank-you – Eat It!!- Ok! Thank-you Julie.

I lost the battle but not the war, I stayed upstairs 'til I needed to use the lavatory. Jim was asleep by then, I promised him silently I would make him breakfast and went to tell Julie.

Now Julie was a portly lady about fifteen years older than me her face was kind, open and friendly, her bedside manner had even the most corrigible opening up- I was putty in her hands. Jim too by the sounds of their conversation earlier about whether he took his medicines or not.

She listened even though I never said names or places or specifics. All I gave her were two boys seemed to like me but I promised myself to one. She listened quietly while I spoke, held my hand when I cried over them and hugged me goodnight when I was ready to sleep.

The whole time I don't think she uttered a fix or excuse for them or me. She didn't say I, or they, were wrong, she listened and I think that was the best thing because when I lay down, my head hitting the pillow.. my mind was clear, sharp and ready for whatever tomorrow brought me.

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Making breakfast like I hadn't left was lovely.

Fixing Jim creamy porridge, setting out his Tate and Lyle, the golden syrup in the dark green tin with pretty gold writing beside his spoon, readying his favourite teacup, and fetching the morning paper from the stoop. 

I was ready, I just needed Jim.

"Well that's better, you're eating, my dear" Jim hugged me as I filled the teapot with hot water, the tea leaves swirling reminding me of that time I watched them when I learned of Paul and John, so long ago. "You better fix yourself a big bowl too!"

"Yes, papa bear" edging the teaspoon under the lid of the syrup I dipped my spoon into the thick sweet syrup letting it drizzle all over my medium bowl of porridge. Jim watched with hesitant amusement and I smiled as I licked the back of the spoon "mmmm"

We ate in silence for a while...

"I already miss them, how weak is that" I pouted as I took a sip of tea, Jim stirring another sugar in to his. He stayed quiet, he must be having lessons from Julie.

"Can I stay a few days, to sort my head, give those two some space"

"Of course dear. I've missed you, this, our mornings, no one makes porridge like you"

"Just missed my porridge then" I giggled as he put a fatherly hand over mine. "I miss you too but I miss them, John especially, more. Is that wrong"

"You're a young woman Abigail. You need the pace and interaction of younger folk George, Pattie, Richard, those two ..." He opened the newspaper and pointed and tapped on the page, yet another picture of the boys outside Abbey Road Studios "You don't need this though, bloody hounds always after them. Nasty stuff"

"It is very intrusive and I haven't even had much exposure to it yet" It was true I laid so low it was quite ridiculous, not being able to go out with John at the moment and Paul not wanting me hurt by the overzealous fans out for blood, maybe I had let them cage me anyhow...

"You're young, enjoy the attention of the young men, just don't tease or give of yourself too easily. Hurt and pain of the ticker will have you crying... if you're not careful with your heart"

I thought carefully over Jim's words as I washed up the breakfast dishes, making sure to dry each spoon, fork and plate, each one giving me a little more time to think about what I should do.

Maybe if I got a flat for myself- no good- no money, I need a stable job.

Give John the key to lock me in my room so I don't walk round the house seeing Paul – dumb.

Stay here with Da – but I'll miss everyone so terribly.

Move in with someone, Pattie and George – that's giving someone else me as a problem.

Break up with John and join a convent- do they take non-virgins? I could check, but I would still miss everybody.

Tell John to fix his own issues and stop accusing Paul – This is a maybe. Would he be able to stop the drunken words- I could request he stops drinking.

What am I thinking -Make John stop doing anything he wanted to do was like holding back the tide- Impossible!

Picturing myself trying to hold back the tide, I was giggling to myself when Jim walked back in, holding my shoulder, just squeezing enough to let me know everything was going to be hunky dory.

Jim and I played piano and cards and I fixed the vegetable garden up, removing the weeds and picking what vegies were ready for harvest. 

I ate the meals Julie and I prepared and slept better than I had the night before.