If I Fell

'73

'73

"So, naughty Abigail Grant" John handed me a scotch and coke, I smelt it making him laugh heartily at my not trusting him to mix a normal amount of coke and scotch together "Dumped me, dumped Paul and flew away into Steven's arms. The Aussie hunk from Hay"

Hay was Steve's hometown in New South Wales and yes, I did all that, but why John insisted on bringing up himself and Paul now made no sense.

I thought of Steven, his trust and love was truly a blessing letting me be here with John. Have some time with an old friend like he wasn't Beatle John Lennon, like he wasn't a lover from my past, that he was just a friend I was spending time with, he was for sure the best husband ever.

It didn't hurt that the two seemed to get on like a house on fire the minute we landed on John's doorstep early last week, I was the butt of the joke mostly but it brought walls down so I didn't mind.

Steven stayed the first four days before heading out to the farms and ranchs for tours, education and meetings.

We were alone, Steven having been back for a day then heading off to the convention in Vegas, John and I were totally alone for the second time this week but the first time at night, the first time he brought up 'us'.

His LA rented home was usually teeming with people almost like the tides of Paris again. We had hardly any time to talk properly, privately.

He looked more and more defeated, deflated as the week progressed and I missed the lightness that was my John.

"You cheated me, I left before Paul and I were anything more....."

"Liar, Liar Little Birdie" I was now pressed firm between the end of the couch and John's body, scared no, mildly uncomfortable yes.

The scotch went down fast and I tried to stand, it was my fifth double in three hours, mellow yes, frazzled no.

"He was destitute no that's not it. Paul's not poor" John shook his inebriated head laughing "He was destroyed after you took off, then when we got 'ome..."

"John" I warned but he ignored me picking up the scotch bottle off the table and refilling my glass half-full and neat "I don't-"

"Shush" He kissed me before I realised his lips were close, I felt years fall away as we touched then just as quickly I gathered myself to resist. Slapping Johns arms, he calmly sat back laughing like it was a normal nightly ritual.

"John!!" I spilt the scotch and he laughed even harder, wiping the liquid off himself, licking his fingers.

"Abbs, what are you doing? You're not a prissy virgin kisser, I taught you better than that"

"Fuck off"

"Was just a joke Abigail"

"Well you and your joke can go enjoy your own company" I was battling to rise off the couch but my wrists were encircled and held firmly, I looked at him sadly, my turn to be deflated. "John please"

"Abigail, Christ girl sit down. I'm not going to take you off to bed" John let go of my hand and I felt foolish, I slowly sank back down onto the couch and watched the ice melt slowly in the glass. "....unless you want to" I socked him one, hard.

"You're a bloody wanker, you are" I huffed and we were back to 64 on the sofa built for two. "I'm sorry"

"For what Abbibirdie?"

"Cheating"

He laughed, hard, if he were standing he would have been keeled over, his sides were splitting with the 'joke.' I sat and just enjoyed- watched him let off steam, rubbing his eyes under his glasses, leaning over me in almost painful glee.. I ended up joining in laughing. It was good. Happy was good.

"That was the most ironic statement in history Abbs" John settled back "Oh dear, you always made me happy, you did" He hugged me and I drank the rest of what was left in my glass. "I cheated multiple, many a time, you looked over the fence what- once"

"Was she worth it?"

"Who?"

"Bridget Bardot"

"That wasn't Bardot that was a slut from down the corner of the Rue. Abbs, I was a prick but I want you to know that I did love you, twas best you left me before I really broke you" John grabbed me gently and pulled me closer, sorry hovered in the air around us.

"You asked me to marry you, you turd- just the night before!"

"Smart girl to say no, you was" John pulled his glasses off, wiping some of the laughter tears off from under his eyes then his face fell. "Saved from all this" His hand swept, open and splayed, over the room and himself.

"Massive mansions and money?!"

"Broken and continually drunk man" He fell on my lap, head resting on my legs, he was a little boy, needing comfort. I ran my fingers through the ever so short hair he now sported and wondered what troubled the same boy that kissed me at a Chuck Berry concert.

"Can't be all that bad, can it?" I whispered. He turned his head into my stomach shuffling around to face me, legs falling off the end of the couch. "It's a hiccup in life. Not the end of the world. You have so much more to live for, to do" He went to speak and I held my hand over his mouth "You have friends and I don't mean these LA 'associates' either. George, Richie all here for you if you need them, Paul" He scoffed under my hand "Paul would do anything for you and don't you forget it. As you would him"

John tried to get up but I was the one pinning him down now. I kept going, mothering him I suppose "You need to stop pushing people away and start pulling them back. Open the door for your brothers. That's what they are, your brothers"

Finally, he pushed up and grabbed my hand away but he had a feather of a smile "Like you and Paulie. Geez perverted Abigail, I never"

"Always the joker, covering the man" I smiled as he settled back down then sat bolt upright, grabbing my hand.

"Come on"

We continued the conversation on his bed both dressed, both too lazy to turn the lights off in the house, both friends.

"I still lov ya" John pressed as I watched him light up yet another smoke passing me it, watching me smoke then cough "Not a smoker anymore my dear, are you"

"I love you too but like a –"

"Oh dear lord no, don't you dare say it -" He groaned

"Brother" I was tickled all the way to the edge of the bed and then he stopped, pulling me back and down on the comforter beside him.

"Promise me again Abigail Grant"

I held his hand as he lay down on his side facing me, watching him grinning like an ass, remembering the promise from years before.

"I promise that I am still your friend John, always your friend......You promise me something too..." I held up a pinkie finger and he grasped it with his. Smiling sleepily, he probably would let go when I said what he was to promise "you have now promised to contact and see Paul as soon as you can, mend fences" The bottom lip dropped but he picked it up again and shook his head a slow small yes, good enough for me.

Kissing my cheek, he recovered quickly and smiled broadly scrunching up his face probably thinking up some silly new promise. I guess he liked these little promises, sound bites of crossed fingers.

"And!" he countered bouncing up beside me, happier now. His mood now buoyed from the stupor that he was in minutes before "you promise to love fully, with that big gorgeous heart of yours. Fully ok, don't shy from showing it, it's too precious to hide away"

"I Promise; you too Johnny"

"Me too, Abbs. Me too"