The First Girl I Loved

#1

Stacy's POV

I am standing at the balcony. Watching the fireworks popping here and there. I closed my eyes and felt the cold air shivering to my skin.

I felt my phone vibrating and saw that Sean is calling me. Guilt rushed over me. I was hesitant to answer his call at first, but still I answered.

"Happy New Year from Manila, baby!"

"Hey you, happy new year," I tried to sound like nothing is bothering me.

"I wish I was there with you. We could have been strolling around New York Square right now if you did let me come with you." he said sadly.

"I hope you were here with me too, you know? And give you a New Year's kiss maybe?" Wind blew so I put down my wine glass and tucked my hair behind my ear.

I feel terrible.

He chuckled, "Stop the teasing or I'll book a flight in a second and get you. God knows what I'll do to you when I see you" he said almost whispering.

I choked on my own saliva and coughed in discomfort. Once again felt the guilt rush through my body.

He laughed softly and looks like he was walking for a minute "The team and I are still prepping for tonight."

That explains why I heard people from the background earlier. I guess their team's party really pushed through.

"Although the countdown for new year here in Manila was 12 hours ago, Dad might or might not have broken the champagne."

I stayed quiet and just listen to him talk and laugh.

"How about you how's your holiday? Tell Mr and Mrs Roberts I said hi"

"Well, I had a lot of fun. I had a really good time babysitting my siblings here, really. Plus the cats! Martin and Pepper have been shitting everywhere instead of their litter box. I had to take them to the vet. Hell yeah, it's fun" I said sarcastically forcing a laugh.

We continued talking about everything that had happened while I was here in New York with my family. Sean is in Manila right now, and I'm going to fly there maybe on weekends. I'm still having second thoughts though.

I felt my phone vibrate again. He was requesting for video call. I took a deep breath and didnt accept. The last thing I needed tonight is him to see me miserable and confused. And guilty.

"Hey you should probably go. I don't want to keep you from the fun with the team," I said while sipping my wine.

"No why won't you take my video request. I wanted to see you baby. Is there something wrong?"

No matter how much I wanted to tell Sean, I couldn't.

"No, no. I just, I'm tired and it's midnight here already. I should probably go inside."

I hang up and felt nauseated. Maybe because of the amount of wine I've been drinking. Or the amount of feelings I've been keeping myself for years. I drank the remaining wine in my glass and went inside.

I took off my clothes and went in the bathroom sink. I washed my face and looked in my reflection.

I changed into more comfortable clothes and went straight to bed.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. It feels like I'm floating and I can feel how much my head would hurt in the morning. But then I heard my phone buzzing. I thought it was Sean again, but to my surprise it's her.

Lucy.

The reason I've been putting with this mixed up emotion.

She's been calling and texting but I never answered. But right now that I ain't sober enough to think, and I'm caught up in my emotions, of course I answered.

It was just couple of minutes of pure silence, it's just us breathing against our phones, miles away from each other.

L: I missed you.

Here she goes again. I felt my heart beating so fast. I don't know what to say. She's been like this since Sean and I started dating. I instantly felt guilty and felt a little sober. She's been playing with my emotions, and I'm always letting her.

L: Please Stacy, I just want to hear your voice. You've been ignoring me I can't stand it anymore.

I heard her sobbing from the other line. Fuck it. This is making me even more confused. I admit that I have this feelings that I can't even put into words for Lucy. I have feelings for Sean but this feelings I have for this girl is something I've never felt with anyone.

S: Lucy--

L: Please tell me. Do you feel something for me?

My eyes widened and my heart is beating abnormally fast. God knows how much I wanted to be honest and say yes but I've been through so much pain because of her. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm just so confused.

S: I don't know, Lucy.

L: Don't give me that 'I don't know' fucks Stacy! This is only a yes/no question. Is it that hard to answer?!

S: You're being ridiculous! You've been fucking with my emotions even before me and Sean happened. You weren't being clear with your feelings remember?

I breathed heavily and my eyes is starting to blur. Realizing that tears are on it. Tears slowly running down my cheeks. My brain isn't functioning right now. But one thing I know for sure.

My heart's still aching for her.

S: Goodbye, Lucy.

Then I finally hung up. I placed my hands on my face and started to cry. I could not help the tears to fall which I've been holding for a long time.

Even I have feelings for her I'm still with Sean, and I would not hurt him over someone who isn't sure about her feelings.

I went here in New York to forget about all my problems but here I am. I didn't plan to be this messed up. Not this holiday with my family. What a nice start.