Small Town Love

Dying

Cj's pov

What is it like to be actually dying? I knew a lot of the people I knew were thinking that but no one would actually ask me. We just got home from the hospital and since its thanksgiving break Ryan's parents agreed to let him stay at our house, they came up with some lame excuse but I knew it was to let him spend as much time with me as he could. He was staying in our guest room. When we got home it was around dinner time and we all sat around the table, even Ryan's parents came. My dad was saying grace.

"And we all pray for healing for our Cj. Amen." He finished and we all said amen. I couldn't help but to think that the last part was a lost cause, I mean I'm dying. My parents don't know that I found out that I'm dying. I decided to break it to them right now. I picked at my food for a minute. Then I finally spoke up. "Do you guys want to know what it's like?" I asked and I revived confused looked from everyone. "What, what is like, sweety?" My mom asked. "Do you guys want to know what it feels like to be dying?" I asked calmly this time instead of getting confused I got horrified looks from everyone except Ryan. "What makes you think you're dying honey?" My dad I looked at him like he knew exactly what I was going to say. "The doctors aren't too quiet and they left my papers out and I read them. I have less than a month to live. I'm dying." I say still calm. 

Silence. That's all that was happening all eyes were on me. Every stopped eating and just looked at me. Finally Ryan must of noticed how nervous this was making me and spoke up. "Well I mean we're all thinking about, so why don't you tell us?" He asked looking me in the eyes. "Well it feels like your body is really screwing you over. You're mind knows, more like thinks that every breath you take is going to be your last. You begin to realize all the things you're going to miss. You think about a lot and nothing at the same time. You think about how you're going to live these next few days. You think about what it'll feel like when you actually die. But mostly you think about every one you've loved, and how heartbreaking this must be for them. Honestly I think y'all are in more pain than I'm in. Because for y'all this won't end, for me it'll be over soon but for y'all you'll never this time in your life where you watched your daughter, sister, son's best friend, your girlfriend, your best friend die and knowing that she was so young and that she'll never go to prom, get proposed to, get married, go to college, get pregnant and have a family. Never. And I'm sorry." I broke down in tears as I apologized. My brother stood up and brought us back a box of tissues for most of us were crying and he hugged me. 

After the whole water works at dinner everyone was pretty quiet and got ready for bed. Ryan's parents left and now it was only me and Ryan awake. We were sitting in he living room watching Friends. Ryan reached for the remote and turned down the tv and looked at me. "You have  no reason to apologize earlier, you know that right?" He asked with a serous look on his face. I weakly nodded as he did too. "I'm tired, I'm going to head to bed. Good night, I love you Ryan." I said as I got up I kissed him goodnight. "Good night, love. I'll see you in the morning." Ryan said as I walked towards my room. 

Some how I knew he was right. I was dying but I wast go to die tonight. So, I would see Ryan tomorrow morning just like he said I would.

~time skip~

I woke the next morning feeling like some one, or multiple someone's were staring at me. I rolled over to see my family staring at me and Ryan in the door way waiting for me to wake up. I felt weaker than I did the night before. I slowly sat up and looked at everyone, "I'm not dead yet. Quite staring!" I hollered at them. They laughed, hey at least I still had my since of  humor. My mom helped me out of bed and into the kitchen, I was almost too weak to get up by myself. I was dying. Slowly. 

The rest of the day consists of me and Ryan reading Maze Runner, I could tell he wanted to finish before I left, no before I die. I decided not to let my self or anyone else  sugar coat this with saying "pass on, leave us, pass over" or any of that crap. No I was dying. I also decided, more like promised myself not to leave until we finished the book. That's the last promise I'll keep.