Running Low {S.M}

XV - Aftertaste

Elena.

I laid in the bed of my hotel room. I just looked up to the ceiling for some kind of answer. I wanted to know something. I was looking for something that didn't want to be found.

My mind drifted back to Shawn and what he had done.  I really thought he was different.  I thought he would never hurt anyone, but I was wrong.

I know, I should be grateful for what he did, but I wasn't. So much trauma had already commenced in my life, and he was the one who I believed would never hurt anyone.

It had been a couple of days since what had happened. Shawn hadn't talked to me at all. I pushed him away when he thought he was doing the right thing.

I wanted him in my life, but I didn't want to get hurt. I've never been with any guy except Will. All of this mess was because of him. I've changed because of him. I've gone to a whole other direction because of him.

It's because of him that I had to suffer throughout all of the abuse and lies. All of this was caused by him. I don't want that to happen again.

Although I trust Shawn, I don't want to feel the way I felt when everything went down. I don't want to feel the misery I went through with him.

I don't want to convince myself that I don't love him. Because I do. I know that. I can feel it running through my veins. I could feel it stretch through every course of my body.

I need him, and I know that. I wasn't able to sleep for the rest of the night. My eyes wouldn't stop sobbing. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I mean, I did the right thing didn't I?

No matter how hard I tried not to cry I couldn't. My body rejected it. I needed to let every emotion I had out. I'm alone, depressed, and left with nothing.

I experienced every possible feeling with him, but now I regret it. I regret all of it. If I hadn't have seen him, then this wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't feel like this.

I wouldn't feel like dying right now. Everything in my life was just nonsense now. I need him, I really do, but not now. Not after everything.

I laid in there cuddling with a pillow that was now drenched with tears. I laid there remembering what had happened. The only way to get through this is by pain. To pain myself and convince myself that none of this happened.

Just as I came to an end of my rambling inside my head, I heard a knock at the door. I got up from the bed and didn't even bother looking to check my eyes.

I knew that there wasn't anything I could do about my destructed appearance. I unlocked the door and opened it. Suddenly Shawn bursted through the door.

"Look I'm sorry for kissing you and for everything that happened I just-" I looked at his face and saw the wetness in his eyes.

"Shawn...it's okay-" he cut me off just like I did to him.

"Don't say it's okay...just don't, I shouldn't have done that-" I cut him off again and it looked like this was just going to keep happening.

"But it was," I said as he kept rambling on and on about how sorry he was, but I didn't bother listening.

"No Lena. Look I care about you, I didn't want anything bad to happen to you. I just feel so protective of you and I just wanted to do what was right."

"Shawn calm down it's okay, please," I said as he kept pacing in the hotel room.

"No I broke your trust and now you hate me, but I need to tell you that I love you, and I would do anything for you and that I'm so fucking sorry!"

"Shawn...stop!" I yelled but he still kept talking. It was kind of annoying me.

"No Lena just listen to me please! I love you okay? I fell in love with you the first time I ever saw you. I just want to be the one to protect you. The person who you can trust and love. I just want you know know how I feel."

"Shawn just listen to me please!" I pleaded, but still nothing.

"I shouldn't have kissed you. I shouldn't have hurt Will even if he deserved it. I should've stayed with you. I shouldn't have left you. I had no right to do so, I'm so sorry. I just had no control-" I cut him off and realized what I was doing.

He finally shut up once I pressed my lips against his.