Running Low {S.M}

XXIX - Lost

Shawn.

Just the feeling of her lips against mine changed everything I had been trying to get over for the past three years. Although she wasn't the same girl I used to know, she is on the inside. It was still her...just a different appearance.

She pulled away from our kiss and looked confused. She pinched her bottom lip and looked at me.

"I have to go," she said and got up from the sand and ran off.

Was that a mistake? Should I not have kissed her? I mean I had no choice...I couldn't control myself. No matter how different she may be, she's still the same deep down.

Even if it was wrong of me to kiss her, it still brought back all of the memories with her. And although we both say that we moved on, we haven't. And that kiss proved that we still had feelings for one another.

Elena.

I didn't know what was running through my body. It was something that made my heart race. I was basically fast walking all the way home not even looking behind me. I didn't know what was happening to me. All of these emotions were running through my veins.

It was that kiss. It brought back everything I was trying to forget. No matter how much I tried to forget about him, nothing worked. But now there's nothing but confused thoughts running through my head.

All of this was bringing back things that I didn't want to think about. Yes, I wasn't fine even after he left me, but now it just feels like I'm hurting even more.

When I got home I sunk myself to the floor and pressed my head against the door. I buried my head in my hands hoping that it would fix what was running through my head, but it wasn't. I felt tears start to brew in my eyes as I thought about the kiss. I haven't felt that feeling in a while.

Everything was changing inside of me. I could feel it. Every feeling I was trying to lose was flooding back to me. No matter what I tried to convince myself, it didn't convince me. Nothing did.

I know that I still love him, but I can't. It would just hurt me too much. For the past three years I've been getting high trying to forget that he ever existed in my life, but it didn't work.

I know that he still loves me. I know we both still have the same feelings we've had for each other, but I can't go back. I want to, but then I don't. I'm just scared.

I'm scared of losing him again. I'm scared of saying goodbye to him. And most of all, I'm scared of getting my heart broken again.

No matter what my mind always drifts off to him and I and how happy we once were. We were in love, but now I'm not sure. It felt like I had everything with him, and it felt like he was my reason to live.

Without him I just completely went downhill. When I was with him, it felt like anything was possible. But all of that changed when I left him.

All of this mess was because of him. I've changed because of him. I've gone to a whole other direction because of him.

It's because of him that I became depressed. It's because of him that I had to suffer without him. All of this was caused by him. Yet I still love him.

I still have that effect that he causes me. But I can't love him. I just can't. I gave him everything, and then he threw it away over one mistake.

He's the one who I decided to actually love. He's the one who I said I love you to. He's the one who I wanted in my life forever. And he's the one who I trusted with everything.

All of those nights we shared together were the most memorable moments I've ever had, and probably will have. Just remembering those kills me inside.

He's the only boy who I chose to do that with. We saw every inch of each other. And that kills me. It kills me to think that I gave everything I ever had left of my humanity to a guy who ended up breaking my heart.

So why do I love him? Why do I still feel like this? Why do I choose to still love him after everything that has happened?

The truth is, I know the answer to why I still love him. It's because he's still that one guy deep down inside who loves me for me. Even if I'm an emotional wreck now. He's loves me after what I did.

I let him leave, and said I hated him. And I hoped that someday I'll see him again, and today was that day. When I saw him I felt all of my walls surrounding me get wreck to the ground.

Everything around me turned into ashes. He's still the same guy I fell in love with three years ago. I still love him, and I won't deny it anymore. But I can't go back to him.

Not now, I have to know that I could trust him. I have to know that I won't get hurt again. I don't want to get hurt, especially by him. He's everything I've ever wanted in life, but then that all crumbled.

I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to feel the way I felt when I left him. I don't want to feel the misery I went though when I left him. I don't want to have to do drugs in order to forget about him.

I don't want to convince myself that I don't love him. Because I do. I know that. I can feel it running through my veins. I could feel it stretch through every course of my body.

I need him, and I know that. Just as I came to an end of my rambling inside my head, I heard a knock at the door. I got up from the ground and didn't even bother looking to check my eyes.

I knew that there wasn't anything I could do about my destructed appearance. I unlocked the door and opened it. Suddenly Shawn bursted through the door.

"Look I'm sorry for kissing you I just-" I looked at his face and saw the wetness in his eyes.

"Shawn...it's okay-" he cut me off just like I did to him.

"Don't say it's okay...just don't, I should've have done that-" I cut him off again and it looked like this was just going to keep happening.

"But it was," I said as he kept rambling on and on about how sorry he was, but I didn't bother listening.

"Shawn...stop!" I yelled but he still kept talking. It was kind of annoying me.

"Shawn just listen to me please!" I pleaded, but still nothing.

"I shouldn't have kissed you. I had no right to do so, I'm so sorry. I just had no control-" I cut him off and realized what I was doing.

He finally shut up once I pressed my lips against his.