I'm A Not Girl//PHAN

Chapter 17:

Quick note I'm probably gonna write three more chapters after this one because ive got an idea for anither fiction and also the plot twist I've been talking about is about to be out in place *cheeky wink*

Phil's P.O.V

Panic truly set in as I gazed on the boy slumped in a chair. The nurses can do nothing. Its strange really how after all this time now I only feel love I guess for Dan.

Do I love Dan. I dont think I do. His eyes are the perfect shade of brown and his hair falls delicately on his face but do I love him.

He seems so precious. Like an innocence you want to look after. Almost like a newborn baby. You want to shelter them from the cruelty of the world.

Suddenly an ear piercing scream cuts me out of my thoughts. Horrified I look out the window to see PJ crumpled under a car and a screaming Chris.

A choked sob escapes my mouth. This is my fault. I've messed up again. No Phil it isn't your fault. Except it is. Ugh now is not the time for all my bad decisions to crash down on me at once okay!

"P-phil" Dan mumbkes making me soon around in shock. I dont know what i was expecting because he obviously wasn't dead.

"Wait" he says as relaisation sets in his face contorts and he looks like he's about to cry but covers his face with his sweater paws (which look hella cute) , not the fucking time, gushing about not hurting him please.

Thats what really hurts. To know that someone is scared of me. That they are worried I will hurt them. That they beg.

Its strange isnt it. Its like some soppy fanfiction where they see their sudden love however they know they csnt have it. After being cruel they kiss and its all okay.

Before I thought that was utter crap but you have rknoe until you experience the dread of it. Something about Dan makes me question what I do. I dont know if I see myself in him (no no like that) or what. He just intrigues me.

I obviously dont love this boy. I never will but I feel the need to come closer and closer and closer. However each step feels like I'm being choked.

No I dont regret my previous actions to pricks who used to bully me until Caspar an Ollie 'accepted' me. Face it phil. You want to help Dan.

I can't understand what I feel towards him. Sometimes I would absolutely love to slap him across the face the. others like holding him tight.

Sirens break me out of my day drama as their high pitched squeal rings out. One speeds away as Chris clmaour sin to another one his face pale and soaked with tears.

All my fault all my fault all my fault. My brain hurts as it all truly sets in that I have caused my crushes friend to be ran over.

"Phil what's happened?" Dan says raising his eyebrow at me and scrunching his Nose. Shit. How am I meant to say oh PJ just got hit by a car and its my fault.

"PHIL!" He yelled at me. Anger bubbled up inside me ever will wanting to scream right in his cocky little face but i stopped myself and just inhaled.

"PJ is on his way to the hospital!"

"What? Why?"

"Do you not remember?!"

"I mean I remembered yelling and telling Chris to stop because I think I like you" Dan sputtered going bright red as he realised what he said.

"Its okay if you hate me" he says shattering me a little more," I'm just a faggot as your friends like to say!"

"Can you shut the fuck up for one minute Dan" I snap at the boy who's barbling curses about Caspar and Ollie and just general people around school.

For the first time ever I saw Dan angry. He seemed to cute and innocent to be angry but boy he was scowling.

"Phil I just admitted I fucking like you Phil", he snapped crossing his arms,"I like you a lot okay!"

Unable to speak even though my brain was replaying with replies my mouth wouldn't work.

"Just dont reply then Phil but all these glances or pity or helping me and that note you gave me attention whuh was positive when it was just us two you made me feel so happy and warm and now you can't even reply!" He yells shuffling off the nurses couch and begin to make his way to the door.

Not aware of my movement I grasp his wrist and pull him backwards an push him into the door. He goes to yell but before he can I tug his wrist out of my grasp or scream I press my lips to his.

Hesitant he stands in shock his arms dropping to his side until he begins to move his lips against mine. My hands find his hips as I pull his closer enjoying the taste of coffee and mint.

However the moment is short lasted as he put hands on my chest and roughly shoves me away. Blushing vigorously I try to speak but which stops me as he asks one question.

"You never said why PJ is in hospital"

Steadying myself on the table I look iver at the blushing boy with furrowed brows.

"Chris ran into the road and Pj didnt look before a car came and he just fell and the car fucked him up badly" I stutter trying to choose the right words.

His mouth drops open me before he begins screaming and yelling at me.

Dan's P.O.V

For the first time in years I felt true anger and remorse. Because for the first time in years I had a friend but he was hit by a car at the fault of my first kiss.

I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it or that I don't want to ever date Phil Lester but right now all I feel is hate and seething with fury.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" I scream shoving him backwards tears making themselves onto my face.

"Dan please?" Phil begs but rather than reply I simply grab him by the shirt and press my lips to his before letting go and running out the door.

Why did I do that? He will have the wrong idea! Was it the wrong idea. I dont even know anymore. All I know is im running as fast as my legs will take me in any direction.

Immediantly I regret yelling at Phil as its my fault for telling them. If I had not been so selfish and kept my problems to myself I wouldnt be in this mess.

Sobbing I stop running as I relsise where I am. The bridge. Below me in the river filled with sharp rocks that will kill me if I jumped.

I can't think straight as all emotions come crashing in at once. I kissed phil.  I killed pj. Chris is gonna hate me. Phil's gonna hate me. I hate me.

Again my selfishness ruins everything. I always ruin everything. Tugging on my hair I wander to the railing where I look down on the smooth waters.

"DAN!" A voice screams as thoughts flood my mind. I could kill myself right now. I could die. I deserve to die. I want to die. The cuts on my wrist scream as I drag them along the rusted metal. Not enough not enough.

"DAN DONT!" the voice yells again. Cautiously I look over to see Phil running towards me. No he's going to stop me. I cant let him stop me.

"I'm sorry!" I sob as I begin to climb over the railing. All color drains from Phil's face as he quickens his pace towards me. Inhaling I wave goodbye before letting my body fall into the water.

Dont worry Dan is still alive my children...dont cry, craft....dont kill me ._.

- Chloe Needs To Stop Writing Depressing Chapters