I'm A Not Girl//PHAN

Chapter 13:

The song above is quite relative to ideas in this story

Phil's P.O.V

Once Dan fully awaked Lucy guided him into her room and he's staying there a few nights. I guess I don't blame her. I'm the only one who needs any blame.

Slowly I wander over to his bed before sitting cross legged on the murky floor. My hands trembling I reach foe a box ive only opened once.

The box with a book I thought was pathetic. The book thats Dan's private property. His diary.

And yes I am going to really it. Screw you all. If I'm going to tell him anything I need a bit of his past first. Only so I know what to leave out.

I'm so confused about everything. I just can't understand the effect he has on me and how I still scream at him.

Biting my lip I pull out the book and open the first page. Taking a deep breath I begin to read...

Dear diary,

Should I even say dear? Its not like Ill ever hold you precious. Not when my therapist will really dit and say the same old "you are beautiful" even though I know I'm ugly.

I'm fat. I'm gross. My eyes are too small. My nose is too wide. My mouth too small. My teeth not straight. My hair messy and greasy due to not really having a will to do anything.

Everyone I've met always says I'm pretty and skinny and sometimes it makes me curious as to how other people see me.

When I look in a mirror all I see is how fat I look in a certain outfit or the way my hair droops. Spending hours perfecting my smile so that my eyes dont crinkle too much.

No one understands. They don't understand. They cannot seem to realise that this is all I think about. All I can think about is my appearance.

I've learned however to keep these thoughts to myself. Whenever I talked about my worries my friends became frustrated and that I'm beautiful and to just shut up already.

That I should ignore society and just carry on. But I can't. I can't walk through a corrider without feeling like people are judging me.

I can't eat in front of others as I feel guilty like I dont deserve to eat. Which is true. Fat people like me dont deserve it.

This diary is actually quite helpful but I'm not showing my therapist this one. I'll just make a fake one otherwise I'll get the same old compliments which make no bloody difference.

When I talk to people I dont want compliments I just want someone to talk to. But I dont deserve that.

Guess this is goodbye diary...

Tears fall down my cheeks as I read it over the over again. Is this what I do to people. Is this how people like me make people like him feel.

I dont want to read on but I know I'll have to...

Dear Diary,

I've cut again. Its been over a week since my last entry and now im sat alone in a small room writing in a diary.

Ive lost all my friends. They eventually got fed up of me. I was expecting it. Everyone gets tired of me at some point.

I wish they could see I never thought they actually cared or anything but turns out they do and I've messed up big time. I want to apologise but I know how annoying I can get.

Anyway I need to go before anyone finds me in here again.

Goodbye

The wet patch on my cheek grows as I put the book down and for the first time in three years I cry. And I cry hard. Tears drip onto my lap and soak into the carpet.