The girl they will never have

31.

After the movie, I went back to my room to study some more. If I kept my pace in this way,then I wouldn't graduate senior year. After talking with my brain and convincing it to let me study and telling my heart that it do its work of pumping blood and nothing else,I sat to study,SERIOUSLY.

I finished considerable amount of units uptill seven. Feeling a bit better,I let myself to relax for some time. My fingers unconsciously went to my iPad and before I could stop myself,I already logged into Mila's account. I checked for the messages and finding a hi from Zaid about four hours ago, I thought about whether to reply or no.

Logging out with out replying anything,my eyes landed on my books. Or to be precise,the fat textbooks waiting for me to study. I had studied about three fourth of the portion because of all the tests but I needed to study more if I wanted to stand in front of my dad with my head raised.

I took a deep breath and had the talk with myself. Well,yeah,that's what I do. Talking to others is indirectly inviting more stress. And we know ourselves better than others. I had been studying,like really hard all this year for these exams,Which are actually not just exams but it also holds my future. MY FUTURE. Something that we all dreamed about when we were young. I do something stupid now,and everything goes downhill. Somehow I have to get in a med school and it's not just that easy.

The main problem was Zaid. Something that I had noticed in the last two days was that I couldn't study without thinking about him. And that is not good. I wasn't like the other girls who could do both studying and even be in relationship. The irony-I'm not even in relationship with him and yet this is how I'm being. It wasn't like I liked him that much to think about him but maybe because it was all so new to me that I was rethinking everything that had happened.

Then there's my future too. After thinking for some time,I came to the conclusion that Zaid doesn't fit my list. All that's happening is effecting me indirectly and the fact that we don't know where we stand doesn't help. It wasn't like I'm waiting for him to ask me to be his girlfriend. No,I didn't want that. And to be frank,never would I want someone to ask me that. So there was no use of me talking to him.

Even though I'm excited to talk to him,but each time,not even when we have messaged for five minutes,I would start thinking why I'm talking to him. All that excited stayed not even for more than five minutes. Zaid was sweet but again,I think that everyone will be. My doubts still remained about his lies.

All of this actually seemed to be that I wanted to take my mind off and for that,I'm talking to any guy who was the first to have approached me and he turned out to be Zaid. My feelings for him were shallow. In all our messages,I would say him to talk about himself and when he asked me anything,I would simply reply with "Tell me about you. I'm listening.". I never told him about myself,nothing. It was like I worked at a radio station where I have to only listen to others and not say anything back. My heart wouldn't let me talk to him about myself. And more over I never felt to say him something. By now,I'm sure that whatever all this is,is all just done in the wrong way. And I don't want it anymore now. Yes,my heart says there's nothing as such but I know where all this would go. Nowhere.

I finally make my decision that I no longer would talk to Zaid. Not as a friend nor anything else. Even though I never messaged him much,it was actually him messaging me. I would feel a bit guilty that maybe I'm disturbing him. It looked like he would remind me some other time of what all he did to talk to me. How he might have dumped his studies or his friends. All these things are not sweet but they shout "emotional blackmail" and I would become a nun rather than hear all those from a guy.

I wasn't the one who would consider my studies less important than all this. My future matters to me. More than Zaid or whoever else it might have been.

I opened the account again and replied Zaid

"Hey. Uh,I cannot talk to you anymore. No reasons. It's just that I cannot. So
Goodbye."

I reread the message twice and it was really bad. I didn't make any sense at all. But I even couldn't think of anything else to tell. I hit the send button and quickly went back to studying. I felt somewhere in between "I want that and I don't need that."

I studied and kept my mind from going back to him. I was studying chemistry and this was one of my favorite subjects so I had my mind set up on the reactions. Nothing else. I studied uptil eleven when I knew I had enough of it.

I lazily checked for messages but finding none,I did it. Blocked him. I didn't wanted a reply from him coz all that would have only why's and other crap. To which I didn't have Answers and moreover he wouldn't understand it. Maybe it was unfair for him but I did not care much. He wouldn't be hurt,right?. This all looked like he might have talked to his psychiatrist. Nothing romantic and soppy. There was nothing he would miss about or anything. So it really wasn't a big deal. Not atleast to me.

I know I sound like a mean bitch but I seriously don't have time to defend myself.

I went to have dinner and everyone in my house is awake even if it's eleven. So I just had my dinner watching some tv and ready to hit the bed.

Next day,I woke up and started studying. I sent a message to Mila telling her that she should change her password and that I would tell them everything when we meet. She didn't ask much so I returned back to studying.

Hi.
Uh,I'm sorry for the last chapters which were short and not much interesting.
I know this chapter is everything opposite of what you might have thought about but I think this was necessary. One thing that reflected in this chapter was how Xanna doesn't sideline her studies for a guy or moreover for someone she doesn't feel anything about. Or even if she feels,it's not real. Surreal maybe. And I think it's good. There are so many girls out there who would have given love a chance neglecting something as big as studies. Well,you are not even graduated and love is not something you could rush into. Education does form an important part of who you would be. And if the person you are leaving is for you,then he/she will come back into your life,no matter what. But do hold onto the special gems you know you couldn't afford to lose.
Xanna might come out as mean to everyone but then,it's Xanna we are taking about. And you know that she doesn't care of how you think about her. But I do think about her😬😬. So you can comment and let me know.
But I also believe that she did the right thing. She knows she doesn't feel anything and there was no need of elongating things with Zaid. Her message simply says that she isn't the one to do relationships. She doesn't know anything about it. She knows she's all being lame but she also doesn't know how to handle it. It's wrong in so many ways but she's 16,no idea about this even though she should have it by now.
And Zaid didn't help much. He never took the chance of convincing her to talk about herself. So it might be right,right?
And now I have no idea of whatever I have said makes sense? If it doesn't,you are free to comment.😪😪😪.
Do vote,comment and share.
Thank you.
Love.
And I have done some editing to my profile and the cover. Not too much but a little addition to the story description.😬