Why do I torture myself so?
The sad, depressing music blasting
and you, never leaving my mind
and the shouting of disagreements downstairs
and my knuckles indented into this wall.
I am in the dark in front of a mirror
with this blade to my wrist
but why can't I do it?
The expectations of my parents?
No. Fuck my parents.
because it's just fake pain?
No. That's just something I say
so that I feel better about myself.
because everything will get better in the end...?
especially not that. No.
It's because of what others think
and how others would look at me
with different gazes, different stares.
I can't disappoint them. Oh no.
I want these nights to end.
I want to stop thinking about you.
I want to move on.
But I can't, it isn't possible
when you're still so dear to me.
The tears all over the page
will show you that I am not okay
and I will never be now
because everything is down the toilet
and now my parents are gonna test me
for drug use and I'll be fucked.
Who knows what the fuck will happen,
I'm actually excited to see.
The point is this wouldn't have happened
if I still had you.
You were my whole inspiration
to stay clean because I didn't need it
and I did it, I was clean for 3 months
and all that, as I realize now,
was only for you.
So you can see how much you mean to me
but it will never change your mind,
even though I think it will,
because for once you've made it up
and now mine's fucked up.
I can only think about you.
Fuck. There's so many beautiful girls
but you're the only one I want
because you have something they all don't
and I want it all, I want you to myself
because you're the girl that has mean't the most
and I never want to let you go.
The thing is I can't fight any longer
because I have no strength left.
Fuck my life. I don't know what to do.
