Shadows of the marked

» continued

My apologies for leaving the last chapter on a cliff hanger.

As soon as the sound of Calvin's voice hits my ears, my eyes snap to his. I can see the physical ache in them, that he lies to me tells me isn't there, and my heart nearly shatters on the spot. How can I do something like this to him?

"Why haven't you told her?" He asks, knitting his eyebrows together and trying his best not to make his voice rough. I chew on the inside of my cheek as I force myself to keep eye contact with him. I should be so ashamed of myself, but I am.

"I can't, Calvin." My voice can barely be heard. It feels like I've only just moved my lips, but I know that he heard me.

I watch his eyes move around my face, waiting for a more explanatory response. His chest moves slowly, and I wish this would have happened after at least twenty four hours home.

"I can't tell her something that I can't even tell myself, Cal." I swallow, hard. The pressure coming with his stare is enough to make me cry. Just this kind of discussion with my husband makes me feel like the worst woman out there.

Truth is, Cal and I have talked about a baby and I've been lying to Ally about it. It's not that I don't want her to know, but it's heartbreaking to even tell myself that it isn't working.

Cal and I have been trying to have one for nearly a year and a half, but still nothing. We even went as far as going to the doctor to find out why.

The doctor had told us that, because Calvin is a full blood Lycan, the chances that I can conceive a baby by him are low. Very, very low.

My chest tightens, and tears threaten to fall. I know that Calvin has told Benjamin, just by the way he had stood up for me earlier against Ally. I look at Calvin quietly, taking in the look of hurt in his eyes and I let let a sigh.

"Gray," Calvin says my name as I walk out of the kitchen. As soon as I'm out of his sight, I wipe the tears away from my cheeks.

The only thing he wanted besides a mate, was to have a family again. I can't give him that. It makes me sick that I can't even give the alpha the heir he wants.

He continues to tell me that it's okay. That I'm the only thing that he really needs, but it's not. I know how much he wants one. I can see it when he holds Leah. It breaks me apart knowing that I may never be able to give that to him. To us.

"Gray," Calvin catches my hand and I try my best to yank myself out of his grip. "You can't just walk away from me like that." His voice is soft, and it sounds more hurt than ever now.

"Just let me go." I say wiping my eyes with my freehand. "I can't talk about this right now." I whimper, jerking in his solid grasp, trying to break free.

"Then when Gray?" He asks, "when are you going to talk about it?"

I glance at him through the corner of my eye and shake my head. "Just let me go, Cal." I let my head drop and a single tear hits the floor. "Please."

"When are we going to be able to sit in the same room with a baby? We can't even be in the same room as each other when Leah is around, Gray. For God sakes just talk to me about it!" My eyes connect with Calvin's, and what I see makes my whole body hurt, beginning with my heart.

      Tears fall down his face. A man, so strong and so worried about the way others see him- is crying right in front of me. His eyes are burning red.

We went to the doctor nearly two months ago. We haven't even talked about it with each other. Because it hurts. I keep pushing it off, and he never pushes me to continue talking about it. At least, until now.

"What is there to talk about, Calvin? We can't have a baby.
Nous ne pouvons pas avoir de bébé." I snap coldly. I don't mean to, but I'm hurting.

"I don't know what else you want me to do!" I whimper. "I'm sorry that I can't give you the family you want! I'm sorry that I can't! I'm sorry I'm not good enough!" I shout.

Suddenly, he releases his grip around my wrist, and I jerk my hand to my chest. "You think that?" He asks, knotting his eyebrows and looking me over.

I look into Calvin's eyes, and let out a sad sigh. I don't respond, because I don't know how to.

"Children or not, Gray, I'm in love with you and that isn't going to change." He says softly, cupping my cheeks and kissing my forehead gently. "I will tell Allison if you will not." He assures me. "I'm tired of hearing how upset she makes you over this."

"It's fine Cal-"

"No, it's not. But I promise you that we will have one, even if it's not in her lifetime."

I look at Calvin and swallow. "Don't make promises that you can't keep." I whisper.

He kisses my forehead again. "I love you, Gray." My eyes focus on his cheek, and my body is numb. As though he hasn't touched me at all, I feel so distant from him.

"I love you, Cal." My voice comes out in a defeated way. All I want is to make him happy, but the one thing he wants- I can't give him.

A single tear falls down my cheek, sneaking past Calvin's careful gaze, and lends on my shirt. "So much." My chest hurts, and suddenly my appetite is completely gone.

"Come and eat, baby." He whispers, rubbing my shoulders gently before pulling me against his chest. I shake my head against the idea.

"I'm not hungry." I frown, forcing the idea of a warm meal away from me. I'm too upset to eat- and if I do it may backfire on me.

"Will you at least try to eat something?" He asks softly. "It'll make me feel better." Calvin pushes his fingers through my hair and I rest my head against his chest.

"I'll try, Cal." I murmur.

"Are you going to tell her, or do you want me to do it?" He asks, rubbing my back gently. I let out a tired sigh and pull my head back to look up at my mate.

I beg him with my eyes for him to tell her. I know how much he wants me to do it, since I'm her best friend, but I can't even talk to him about it. An ache in my chest makes it hard to even look at Cal.

"Hey," he cups my cheeks as my feelings transfer to him through our bond. I shut my eyes and relax in his hold. "Don't get worked up, love. I'll tell her." He kisses my cheek and I nod my head.

I hate how I can't say it.

I hate how I force Calvin into it.

I know how much he's hurting.

I kiss the tears from his cheeks and feel him relax against me. "It wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have so much pressure on us, you know." He says softly, holding me tightly.

"We have an eternity, Gray. Don't forget that." He assures me. With this alone, a wave of relaxation washes over me. "I don't mind having you to myself for a while longer." He chuckles, kissing my nose.

I grin, "don't tell me you'd be jealous of a baby."

"Honey, I'm jealous of the pillow you sleep with at night."