Shadows of the marked

10

        Sitting on the edge of the bed, I sip on a mug of hot tea. The aroma fills my nose while Calvin's soft snores fill my ears. The house is quiet, and since Cal has fallen asleep I've been stuck alone; thinking.

I bring the mug to my lips and then back into my lap. My mind is on a constant replay of everything that has happened to me in the past year. To us. This year seems to be a huge disappointment. Not only were we told that we won't be able to have a baby; that Cal has been waiting so long for, but the only family we have is dead within a blink of an eye.

  Without a doubt, I am happy with Calvin. Up until now, I've never hated life. Since this year has began, I don't think that I've stayed genuinely happy in quite awhile- and I know that Calvin knows that. I also know that deep down, he is just as unhappy. I just hope that what ever it is, is something we can work through. I love Calvin too much and I'm terrified to even think about him letting me go.

  I run my fingers through my hair as I sit; completely filled with fear. All I am doing is trying to figure out what is happening to me. My head throbs as I continue to sulk, and come up with nothing. Losing both of my parents has changed my life completely- but I'm trying my best to keep my sanity for Cal's sake. He needs me just as much as I need him.

Glancing down at the marks on my thighs I sigh. I let myself break, and not because I chose to. It just sort of....happened. I've made marks on myself to replace the pain that has still kept its control over me. Maybe sometimes it's better to express saddens than to keep it in; because cutting myself only made me feel worse.

As quietly as I possibly can be, I rest my mug on the bedside table. Calvin makes me happy. So happy. Yet- I can't rely on him to be my distraction at every passing second. It's impossible, and as hard as he tries to- I can't let him. He shouldn't have to spend all his time worrying about me, but instead he should be able to have time for himself.

The ringing of Calvin's phone makes me jump out of my own thoughts. My eyes flicked to the phone as it rings, and I consider answering it for him, but decide its best not to. Quietly, Calvin stirs and rolls over to answer his phone.

"Hello?" His thick voice is filled with sleep. Calvin runs his hands through his hair as he stretches and makes no effort to sit up. He glances at me and then back to the sheets on him.

"I don't know, that really isn't up to me Benjamin. You can talk to her about it." Without a second of thinking about it, Cal hands the phone off to me. To this day Calvin still gets protective of me and jealous when I am with Benjamin. He's one of my best friends, but never does Ben call to talk to me. So, the fact that I'm talking to him on the phone makes me feel so weird.

"Hello?" I say quietly, unsure of what he wants from me. Ben chuckles on the other end at how hesitant I am.

"Hey! Gray! I have a quick question!" He exclaims. My eyes flicked to Calvin and he raises an eyebrow. My husband lays, relaxed with his hands behind his head on the bed. He watches me quietly, as I watch him.