Shadows of the marked

13:

  As the days drag onto weeks, and the weeks into months, the only thing coursing through my veins is sadness and the thought of Calvin. I had told myself I would be alright without him, but the truth be told; I am nothing without that man. He was the one who brought out my happiness, in it's most pure state. The feeling of his embrace was what kept me asleep all night long. Now I find myself waking up every hour of the night, reaching for someone who isn't there. Ally and Ben always try and keep my mind off of that man, but nothing works. It comes in spurts: I am okay but then five seconds later my mood completely changes. I don't understand how one man can change my life completely.

  My heart yearns to be with the man that I love, the one who has changed me into a wife, a lycan, and most of all a woman. I had been so childish to put my own wants before his needs. All he ever wanted was for me to be happy, and I wouldn't even let him get that. I would love to hear from him just one more time. I'd tell him that I was wrong and the time apart has made me realize what I have done to be in this situation. I will not beg for him back, or even try to sway him. He is better off without me right now. I love him, so I will let him be happy- even if it's not me.

Time seems to go slower as the days go by. Seconds turn into minutes, and minutes turn into hours. I cannot tell how many times I've glanced at the clock, and glance back at it hours later after lying in my bed staring at the wall, only to see that five minutes have gone by since I last checked. Time is all that I have now, and it's a painful companion. It constantly reminds me of how much time I'm wasting. Ben and Ally had me believing that things would be alright, but it was all just a joke. I shouldn't have trusted them, because they are happy so they don't really know what they're talking about.

I can still feel the warmth of his fingertips running over my cheek. The beat of his heart through them against my skin. I calm at the thought of him. The sound of heartbeat racing when he looks at me, and reminds me how long he has been waiting to fall in love with someone and truly feel that indescribable feeling. Then, his warm breath comes closer to mine, the warmth of it hitting my skin like a brick. Oh, how I desperately long to have him here with me. To receive a tender kiss from the man I love so much that it hurts.

"what have I done?" his voice is full of longing. Even my dreams still remember him so accurately. His fingers run over my cheekbones, more broad than when he left me from not eating. The bruising around my neck from where I had tried to end it all a week ago. If it wasn't for Ben, I would be resting easy right now. I feel bad for the couple. They have let me in, and all I have done was be a burden. I man, I tried to kill myself in their own home. I feel as though my warm welcome isn't much of a welcome anymore. I know that they want out just as much as I do. The heartbreak in his voice brings me back to my dark dream, I wish I could see him- I never can when he comes to me in my dreams. The warmth of his lips press against my cold cheek and I can hear his sobbing as he grazes the bruises on my neck with the tips of his fingers. I hate how broken he sounds. Every dream is always the same. I yearn to hear Cal happy again, but it just doesn't happen.

I savor the moment when his lips are against me. This is the only time I truly feel whole, but at the same time completely empty because I know this is all just a dream. I long to see his eyes, even if they are full of heartbreak. I want to be held by him, even just for one last time. How can I ever forgive myself for being so selfish? How could I ever let the most important thing to me go so easily? I begin to cry."no, no, no little wolf. please.." Theres a crack in his voice as he begins crying too. "I thought that I was helping, but I have made it worse. I love you so much, please don't forget me." Forget him? How could I?  My heart shatters and I shake my head.

"I love you more, please come back to me" I whimper.