Shadows of the marked

22

     She was beautiful. Her eyes sparkled like the night sky. Her hair fell down her back as if it were made of silk. I'm sure her skin was soft, and I bet she had the warmest laugh.

  Stop it. She grumbles, inside my head. I can't help but compare myself to the person he had before. She got him. Not me. She was the one who got to carry his heir, not me. She was the one who got told she was the love of his life. Not. Me. I am nothing more than a blueprint that had been lost for ages that had sloppily been built back together. I am not me. I am just a replacement of her.

I've always felt this empty void in me, could that be it? Has it been because of her this entire time? I cannot blame her for any of this, as much as I want to. I stare at her picture with a thousand questions in my head. I don't look a thing like her. There is something about her that seems familiar- but I know that's just the wolf's spirit that had resided in the both of us.

I think about how much her heart must have hurt making the decision that she had chosen. How hard did she think about it? I feel her grief thinking about her lost pup. My wolf still grieves over the loss. Is that why it's been so hard to control my wolf? Is this why I have such a hard time creating a bond with her so that I can shift? I've shifted before, but it has been a slow and painful process. The only time I can really bring her out is when her emotions get the best of her, and me.

"You are not her." I jump out of my seat and put the picture behind my back. I had snuck into Calvin's 'red room' and was looking at the pictures lying on the dresser. I promise I didn't go through anything at all. I didn't even touch the doorknob on the inside of the room.

"What are you-" Calvin cuts me off before I can even try to lie about what I was doing. He probably thinks I'm weird, but I just don't feel good enough. I feel like I'm just a replacement piece in this puzzle. I fit, but do I really match everything else around me?

"Your thoughts are loud, dear. Very loud. Would you like to talk about what's going on in there?" He taps his index finger against the temple of his head. "There is only so much you share through our link, and I would just like to talk about anything you might need to get off your mind. I know things are strange right now," he lets out a heavy breath.

I ponder for a moment. Calvin looks lost, and very very afraid. What is he so afraid of? Isn't he supposed to be the meanest werewolf alive? The ticking of the clock makes me lose all sense of focus. You are not her. My wolf repeats in my head. No, I am not her. Just a failed replacement.

"You should listen to her." Calvin says softly, stepping further into the room. He walks over to the child's bed and smooths out a wrinkle in the comforter. "She is wise beyond her years." He adds.

Are my thoughts that strong that they're just breaking through? I have a hard time listening to anyone, why would I listen to an animal?

Animal! My wolf barks back in repulse. Calvin watches me for a moment, waiting for the response I cannot give him. What do I even say? "If you want me to get rid of her pictures I will." He keeps pushing for something. Anything.

He lets out a heavy sigh and reaches for the teddy bear on the bed missing an eye. It's fur is matted, and honestly if I didn't know the meaning behind it I would wonder why he hasn't just tossed it in the trash. Calvin brings the bear up towards his face and deeply inhales. I watch him clench the bear a tiny bit tighter in his hand.

"I just want you to know that because she was weak, she has also made you so strong." He says gently. "She had to make a hard decision, but because of that she brought you to me." I match Calvin's gaze. He walks to me and I study the bear in his hands. "I wouldn't even call her weak though, because the decision she made took so much courage." Calvin smells the bear again and let's it linger by his nose.

"After Mavi was born, Zella and I had our downfall. She was head over heels for him. I was her second love compared to him." He lets out a sad laugh. "I put all my good creating her wolf." He says gently.

"Your good, equals my bad." I look up at him. "Your wolf was created entirely out of love and to top that off I have more love for you. Gray, you are the one that I love. You wolf is just a... how did you think of it earlier? A rough draft? Yes. Your wolf was just a rough draft of who you really are. Rakasa might be connected to her- but you make my heart skip when you smile. YOU are the reason that I've been trying to be the best possible person I can. I'm just so afraid-" he sighs and holds the bear towards me.

Calvin reaches behind me and pulls the picture from behind my back. "I just don't know what else to say to make you believe me when I tell you that I love you for who you are. Not who you were." He sets the picture on the dresser and pulls me into his chest.

He puts the bear against my chest and squeezes me against him. "I hate myself, because I thought what I was doing was a good thing. Turns out- I was doing it for the wrong reasons, and she did them for the right reasons." He smiles.

"She knew what she was doing, bringing you to me." He kisses my forehead. "She wasn't the one ready to lead the pack, or even handle me forever. She was my guide to you, Gray." I inhale a deep breath to keep my emotions at bay.

The strong scent of bananas fills my senses. I knot my eyebrows and look up at him. "Mavi's favorite food was bananas. I swear he was going to have a heart attack every single time we ran out." He chuckles. "Maybe that's why everyone says I go bananas now."

I giggle a little bit. "Truth is though, Gray. He is the reason that I'm so fearful. This life I live is a reason alone to be fearful." He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. "I'm so afraid that I won't be able to protect you or-" he looks down and sighs.

"I'm just so fearful something will happen, because as the king of alphas- no amount of power will stop those who want to destroy that power."

I hold Calvin a little tighter. "I would love to see our pups outside playing in the dirt; but little wolf..I just don't think I can bare it." He drops his head against the top of mine. "You have the most beautiful smile, and the most dazzling eyes; that I would love to see on our baby." He whispers. "I know I wouldn't be replacing Mavi, but god I wish I would have been able to protect him and watch him grow up." I gulp. "I just am so afraid that what happened, might happen all over again."

Do not be afraid, our fate cannot be taken from us. It is a gift.
My wolf pushes herself forward and assures Calvin.

—-

Do not be afraid, our fate cannot be taken from us. It is a gift.

   Dante Alighieri