Life Is A Nightmare

Chapter Three: A Prison From the Outside

(Gavin)

When I was little, I could never understand what made my dad so fond of staring out at the river like I am now. I was young and stumped for an answer to why he wanted to go and watch the water. Sit on the bench for an hour or two on the rare days he actually wanted to go out. I didn't understand then it was because he knew Jayden could see the same river from where he is.

The river is miles long and it's what keeps my dad feeling connected to Jayden. He can lose himself in the peaceful image and smile knowing Jayden can see it too. He can feel close to his eldest son every day while his youngest, me, feels miles away from him.

"You don't have to go." Kalen interrupts my thoughts.

I continue to look ahead, avoiding his pleading eyes tempting me to back out of what I have wanted to do for a while. He doesn't understand what today is for me. He doesn't know what it has been like for years growing up knowing I have an older brother who's sentenced to spend his entire life locked up in an institution because of the crime he committed. He only knows half of what I feel about the situation and the jealousy I have boiling inside me towards Jayden who gets all of my dad's attention.

"We can get something to eat and head back home. Go back to my place and-"

"I need to do this for me. I want to know why. I have to know to help my dad." I can close this chapter of dread in my life and my dad's. Only then can we start over and he can heal.

"Gavin, have you ever thought you can't? You doing this will result in nothing changing?"

Of course I thought what he is suggesting. I contemplated what will happen for three weeks. Wondering and dreaming about what can happen since I talked to someone in charge about visiting Jayden. I haven't been able to stop thinking about this upcoming visit. There is a sense of urgency to back out of this and forget I can change my dad's perspective on life. Forget about this idea and move on but what good will that do?

"How will I know if I never try to talk to him?" I counter. "Besides have you ever thought meeting him and talking now is my way of moving on with my life?"

"You have to do what you have to but I can't lie to you. I don't think this is a good idea."

"That's your opinion, not mine." I retort, wishing he didn't invite himself today.

I didn't ask for him to tag along. I wanted to do this alone. I need to be to think clearly and push the doubt in my head down. Let the worry wash away before I step inside of the place Jayden is in and get the answers I need to pull my dad out of the dark place he has remained in for years.

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The building looks like a prison from the outside and in every way it is. No comfort and serenity of relief found here. Locked from the inside to keep people inside the facility. No one can enter unless authorized to and most of the people who have walked through the doors can never leave again. 

They were sent here for a reason and they're paying for what they did. Living in a place where nothing resembles life out of the windows except a few birds sitting by the river.

Everything about the place is gloomy and dark as my eyes wandered around my surroundings before I entered inside. I was quickly searching for an excuse to turn back around. Run away from the entrance to avoid the continued dread seeping its way into me and swallowing me whole the moment I walked in.

"Why is it you want to visit Gavin?" Doctor Chamberlain asks as we sit in his office.

Too much silence fills the room. Nothing to convince me I should stay here and not leave. "He's my brother," I reply but the word brother is foreign to me. I don't know him besides pictures and what my dad tells me.

In all actuality, he's a stranger in my eyes. A stranger whose life has impacted mine, carving out the path to what my life would entail without him realizing it. Yet here I am wanting to talk to him. Discover something I can bring back to help my dad. Stop my dad from hanging onto some foolish belief Jayden is innocent. I can finally meet the person whose the cause of my dad's depression that keeps him away from me.

"I know what he did. I found out from my family and I know I didn't know him before everything happened. I wasn't born yet but that's why I want to meet my half brother." I add.

The blank expression on his face doesn't help me to figure out if I was convincing to him or too easy to see I don't belong here. I don't meet the standards to meet Jayden in the place he is never going to get out of. "Your brother hasn't been allowed visitors since he's been here." his reply forcing me to wonder how much of what my dad has told me through the years are all lies.

"I thought my dad visited him often." He said he did. Talked about Jayden like he talked to him in person and not simple letters sent through the mail.

"He tries but Jayden doesn't want to see him. Your brother has passed every visitation he could have once he was well enough to earn them. He only accepts letters from your dad when sent. Gavin, Jayden is in a good place. He's made progress in here through the years as most of the patients but like the rest, he isn't able to be released into society again."

"So I can't see him?" I stare at the floor, wondering what the point of him inviting me here to talk was for when the answer is no. No, I can't see Jayden. I can't talk to him when the closest my dad has gotten to talking to Jayden was through letters and now I'm questioning if Jayden sent him any.

"I didn't say no." he tells me, "I am simply saying it depends on Jayden if he wants to see you."

"Okay." I nod my head, realizing even in here everything is in Jayden's control.

"I discussed with him what a visit would entail and the expectations for both you and him. I know his expectations but I'm curious about yours. What are you intending to get out of meeting him? You just turned eighteen why are you requesting to see him? Does this concern your dad?"

I resist the urge to bite the inside of my cheek as a nervous habit. This does concern, my dad, just as much as me. I want to meet Jayden to once and for all get my dad to see he needs to stop. He needs to be in the present where I want him to be and I'm hoping I can tell him something Jayden said to push him in that direction. Nudge him to see there is more to life if he opens his eyes and leaves the past behind. "I want to talk to him because I think only then I can go on with my life and be okay. I won't have to wonder who he is and what he did."

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A sixteen year age gap is between us and the history to what led him here. He's spent half his life inside this place while I've been on the outside envious of him. Spending hours on end wishing I could get my dad's attention like Jayden can.

That is until I come back to reality and I realize I wouldn't want to switch places. I wouldn't want to get more attention from my dad by doing what he did. "What did you want to talk about?" he asks sitting across from me at a table while someone who works here stands feet away chatting with Doctor Chamberlain.

I stare at the table, everywhere but his eyes. I'm too frighten thinking if I do make eye contact he will snap and reach for me across the table. Hurt me like he hurt his sister. "Did he send you? Does he think I'd be willing to see him with a nice chat with you before?"

I shake my head, "No, I came here on my own."

"I don't know you, Gavin. I was gone before you were born," he tells me.

"I know." I know he doesn't know me but I know about him from pictures and what my dad has told me.

"You knew I was here so you know the reason why. What else do you want?" he doesn't have the interest to talk to me as he tries to hurry this visit up. "You want to know the truth? Did I do it? Did I kill Vivian?" he asks for me. Diving into the reason why I'm here and the truth I want to hear.

I look up, regretting it as my eyes meet his. His dark eyes show no life in them. No sadness, no happiness or anger. Nothing and the nothing is more haunting to me. I nod my head unable to speak a word.

"I did it," he admits. "I did it and there isn't a day I don't regret it. I wish I could take it back but I can't. There isn't anything I can do to change it except knowing I'm better off here. I'm getting the help I need." 

*~* Next chapter will go back to Jayden's point of view.  :) *~*