Life Is A Nightmare

Chapter Five: Half Truths and Half Lies

Chapter Five

(Gavin)

I haven't spoken to my dad in over a week. No visits. No calls. No communication whatsoever. Nothing since I stopped by his place and talked to him about Jayden.

I didn't think he would take it the way he did but wasn't I provoking him? I said things I regret and I don't know what I can say to turn things around.

*****

Jayden's words replay over in my head as I leave. He didn't try to lie up front as he told me what he did. No excuses. No pleading to me he's innocent unlike everyone believes. Like my dad has said a hundred times, maybe more, Jayden is completely innocent and one day will step out of the place he was committed to. He's "perfect" in dad's eyes and to think he did something horrible as people say is an utter lie.

I wonder what he will say tomorrow after I walk in the door to visit him and tell him what I was told. Will he have something ready to say? Tell me another story? Another lie he's told himself a thousand times? What am 'I' going to say?

"So how'd it go?" Kalen asks as I open the car door.

I take a seat and shut the door, silent as I think of the answer. I don't know how it went. I don't know what I learned to help me than Jayden did what every old new's story says. He didn't hide it and in a slight way, I'm a little lost. Confused and irritated towards him saying what I already know.

"I don't know." I shrug.

The truth is, I don't know what I was expecting. A closure? Yeah, I can say I met him. Talked to the person whose more important in my dad's eyes than me. I finally have the confirmation of what he did and the cold stone look on his face.

"I told you it wasn't going to help you." he mumbles.

I'm half tempted to retort, 'You can't understand Kalen! How many times do I have to tell you?! You grew up with a family without problems. Everything perfect while my family life is open to the public. You have both parents still married and not a broken up family like mine.'

Except I can't say that. I won't tell him off even as much as I want to. I resist the temptation and reply, "I know." I know deep down life probably isn't going to change but I could hope. I can still wish I can convince my dad to see what he doesn't want to believe and face.

--------

I stand awkward and scared in my dad's kitchen, my sometimes home through the years, as he takes out his dinner. He's having a frozen dinner again while I ate before I arrived. I wish I could say I remember happy family dinners one of my parents cooked or attempted to but I can't. I have memories of eating with my father minus my dad and eating whatever my dad had alone in front of the television. It doesn't come as a surprise family dinners during the holidays were rare and chaotic when they did happen.

"I went to visit Jayden yesterday," I say as casual as I can.

He stops what he is doing, the microwave door left open. "You went there?"

"I told you I was thinking about visiting him. I thought it would be a good thing." I want it to be a good thing, the reason where I can say our lives changed.

"Things are complicated Gavin. You aren't allowed to-"

"Visit him? I did. He told me you have been trying to visit through the years but he doesn't want to see you. He also said he wasn't innocent. He wants you to move on with your life and stop-"

"He is innocent!" he shouts.

"No, he's not dad! He said he killed Vivian and you won't let it go! You don't want to believe the truth because of what happened to you!"

"Leave Gavin! Get out!"

"Dad-"

"Go! I don't want to be around you!"

"You never want to be around me!"

"Well, I guess it's because of what happened to me, Gavin. You must know everything about me, don't you? You know my whole life by what you heard and read right?"

*****

I do know more about my dad from what I learned from my grandma, old articles I read and what I saw. None of what I know is from my dad's mouth but what I see him do because he doesn't tell me. He doesn't talk to me except for a little here and there. And what he does say sounds like half truth and half lies he wants to believe.

I was wrong for telling him he doesn't believe the truth because of what he went through. I feel horrible about it. I said it at the moment because I was mad. I was angry over everything and finally want my dad to move on. I want him to open his eyes but it came across the way it shouldn't have. I said everything I thought but never said out loud.

Do I feel better about it? No. Do I have closure? No. Do I have my dad? No. Will I be able to move on now? I don't know.