When Poe landed he felt as if his feet were heavier than lead. He climbed out of his fighter and took off his helmet. He felt like he should be celebrating with Xander. They should be hugging and screaming at how excited they are to win. Instead, Poe is standing alone to contemplate what happened.
"Poe! Poe Dameron!"
Poe turned to see Jemina coming toward him. He frowned as he saw her approach. She was the last one that he wanted to see right now. While nothing had happened between them yet, Poe was sure that something was going in that direction.
"Poe, congratulations on the attack," she praised. "I heard that it was a success."
Poe shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, yeah, I guess," he mumbled. He wasn't even sure what he was supposed to say to her. Everything felt like it was going in extreme slow motion. His limbs felt heavy, his chest was tight, and his head throbbed. If he didn't know any better then he would've thought that Tas was right and he shouldn't have flown. But, the realization dawned on him soon enough, making him shiver. This was the feeling of grief.
"Poe, are you okay? You don't sound very good. Maybe you need to sit down," Jemina offered as she stretched out her hand and grasped Poe's arm.
Poe jolted immediately and yanked it back. He looked at her before he shook his head, his sweaty hair falling slightly forward.
"Poe, relax! It's just me. Maybe I should get Xander or Tas," Jemina suggested, half to herself as she looked around madly for someone to calm Poe down better than her.
Poe continued to shake his head. "No, Jemina," Poe choked out as he spun to face her. His eyes were slightly bloodshot and he looked shaken on his feet. "Xander, he's not here."
"What are you talking about," Jemina cried in angst.
Poe blinked tears from his own eyes. "He didn't make it. I saw another ship collide with him and he went down. I'm so, so sorry."
Jemina let out a sound like Poe had never heard. He watched as she crumpled to the ground with her head in her hands. Tears streamed down her face while her body shook. Poe took a step away from her in horror. He had no idea how to comfort her. He didn't even know how to comfort himself.
"Poe," murmured a soft voice. He turned and saw Leia standing right behind him, her hands folded in front of her as she looked on.
Poe really wasn't in the mood, but he continued to be respectful nonetheless. "What do you want," Poe nearly snapped.
"It was a decoy," confessed Leia hollowly. "They weren't there."
Fresh anger wafted over Poe so intensely that he thought that he could've just lashed out at anyone at that point. "What are you talking about?! Xander died for nothing," he roared.
"I'm not saying that," Leia began. "We're closer and we think that we have the correct place this time." Poe huffed under his breath as he started to storm away. "Sometimes eyewitness reports aren't always accurate. We set out tomorrow!"
Well, I'm not going, thought Poe bitterly. They can do this without me. They don't need me!
"Poe. Poe!"
"What, Jemina," snapped Poe as he swiveled around to face her. He knew deep down that he wasn't angry at her, but it was just easier to be angry at her right now than anyone else. He could actually snap out at her.
Jemina froze in grief. "What about a funeral or something? Doesn't Xander deserve that?"
"Leia will figure all that out. We have a vigil every night after a battle for the fallen," Poe muttered almost automatically. Sure, he went to the vigils all the time, but never one for someone hat he was very close to like Xander. He kind of liked to distance himself as far away from everyone for a reason.
Jemina looked furious as she jumped in front of Poe. "He was your friend, Poe. Are you just going to walk away?"
Poe turned forcefully and nearly pushed her back. "What do you want me to do?! Do you want me to cry or something? Do you want me to scream at how sorry I am." Poe's voice continued to rise as he walked backwards, almost in hysteria laughing. "I'm sorry! Okay! I'm so sorry!"
No one was staring since everyone was walking around, but Tas certainly did. He peeked his head around the corner and sighed heavily. He came over to Poe and grasped his shoulders, gently steering him away. Jemina just looked at him in absolute shock.
"Come on," whispered Tas forcefully so that it was more like a command. "Let's get out of here. We're not helping anyone by being here."
Tas continued to lead Poe out of the line of anyone seeing him before he made it to the infirmary. Tas was starting to think that he enjoyed being in there more than he enjoyed being anywhere else.
"You need to calm down," urged Tas as Poe ripped his arm from Tas's hand. Tas shrugged as he drew back, glaring slightly at Poe. "Did you hear me? You need to calm down. Getting all worked up about this isn't helping. Do you want me to have to say that you can't attend the next attack for mental health reasons."
Poe rolled his eyes. "There's nothing wrong with my mental heath. I just need a minute," he panted heavily.
"Look, I'm very sorry about Xander. Word came around to me fast, but know that there's absolutely nothing that any of us could've done, including you," whispered Tas as comfortingly as he could manage. He wasn't great at this, but he was learning how to be more cryptic with how he spoke.
"You don't know that," Poe nearly whimpered. "I was right there. He saved my life so it's all my fault. I should've done something. Now what am I going to do?"
There was a deep sig from Tas as he gripped Poe's shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze. Poe didn't try to wriggle out of it. "You're going to grieve and sit vigil. Then, you're going to get up tomorrow and avenge his death. You understand me?"
Poe licked his lips as he felt his bones seem to quake inside his body. "Why did this have to happen? Why does this have to happen?"
"It's just how the world goes," replied Tas with a shrug. "That's how my mentor explained it to me. The worlds will keep on spinning, even when we don't want them to. That's what you have to focus on and somewhere out there your droid is still looking for you. You can't give up on him."
That seemed to light a fire in Poe's eyes. He looked up to Tas and nodded ever so slowly. "I-I can do that," he stammered as if a rock was jammed down his throat when he tried to swallow. "But, I'll understand if you tell me that I shouldn't fight."
Tas seemed to look him up and down with a scrutinizing look on his face. Poe froze in front of him and wondered if he was supposed to be doing something. However, Tas just appeared to be assessing him as he was and it was starting to make Poe extremely uncomfortable.
"You know what I'm going to say," Tas muttered after a few moments.
Poe hung his head and shrugged. "Yeah, yeah, I'm not able to go. I'm unstable and not fully healed. I will respect what you tell me and as a healer I'll listen to you."'
"That wasn't what I was about to say," Tas broke in before Poe could continue in his self-pitying bullshit. "I was about to say that you're good to go."
"Good to....wha'?" Poe looked so jolted by what Tas had just said that he barely functioned when he turned to look at him. "What?"
Tas turned a bit and started to walk backwards, smiling ever so slightly. "You heard me. You're good to go," he called back before he turned into his office.
"Good to go," echoed Poe before a broad smile showed on his face. "Good to go! Yes!"
Another storm of emotions washed over him. Tas had officially cleared him, but he still felt loss for Xander. He knew that it would take time, but at least he had Tas to help him out and explain what he would do. It was incredible what Tas had been able to do in such a brief period of time. Poe just wished he had been the kind of friend to Xander that Xander was to him or that Tas was to him. He may not be able to change the past, but he could shape the future.
