The Diary of A Sad Teen

Petty World

I am not close to recovery, in fact I'm far from it.

My arms and legs are bloodstained, my glassy eyes are bloodshot.

The only air I inhale is the smoke that smothers my lungs. why? you ask...

It's the only thing I can do to feel alive.

Because in reality, I feel dead, I am dead

The only way I know that I'm alive is if I put a blade to my wrist and watch the blood drip. to feel alive, you must feel pain. I love pain. I've become quite comforted with it.

Days go by fast, I'm just living a never ending circuit of emptiness. my soul has left my body, given up on me, like everybody else does.

***

My father is a drunk, he promises me things.

He forgets.

He reminds me every night that I'm a worthless child, an unwanted child, an insane child.

Oh, he has no idea.

Why am I unloved? because right now, I need it the most, I am so close to suicide but a small, oh so very small voice whispers "you can make it" -its a lie, I know that but I still listen. maybe life is just an illusion...?

My faith is slowly crumbling, what do I do next?

Lonely. I am lonely, a lost soul wandering in the darkness trying to escape my sadness, but I love my sadness, I need it. if my sadness disappears I will have no feelings whatsoever.

Why am I forgotten? what's wrong with me? Maybe I just wasn't made out to live on this land. Taken by the angels too soon.

Or the demons...

Near to death.

Near to slicing up my wrists,

Near to choking my neck,

Near to jumping to my death.

Because that's how pathetic I am.

These are not the answers for my problems.

But it's the only way I know how to deal with my problems, to escape them, to demolish them, to forget them. Drink away the pain.

I'm becoming more like my disgraceful parents.

Whenever I feel slightly happy, memories always seem to find me. they destroy my confidence, my slight happiness... everything. so many regrets, so many sad memories.

My depression has been with me for quite some time, 5 years. it's getting worse, oh lord why do you do this to me? I'm in pain, I'm in sorrow, I'm in a very bad place. am I precious to you? is that why you want me so soon? but why, oh why do you do this to me so painfully slow? I need out.

Society cut me by the stem before I got to grow.

I just want to be lovely. I am a disgrace to my family, to my 'friends'.

look at me.

I am so insecure and unconfident of myself.

Body, face, hair, skin, every single inch of myself I have such hatred towards.

***

I hope anyone's who is reading this is okay,

I care more about you than myself.

I've felt quite down, empty, suicidal, sad and lonely lately that I just do not know what to do anymore, I'm trying to convince myself that I am ok,

But it's hard to lie to yourself y'know.