The Diary of A Sad Teen

Lovely

I just want to be lovely.

Why is it that every time I look at myself in the mirror my confidence shatters, my self esteem vanishes and I feel disgusted.

How did I get this way? I look horrible, why can't I be the slightest bit pretty? why is it so hard to lose weight?

I just want to be lovely, or dead.

Seeing myself like this makes me want to die, every time I glance at myself in the mirror, I'm filled with guilt and heartbreak, I remind myself of the past just by looking at my ugly self.

I remember those days when I had friends, I was happy and I didn't have to paint a smile on my face.

I was healthy and skinny and had so much confidence... where did it go? and why does my past haunt me?

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My head full of of thoughts that poison my brain, keeping me up all night causing sleepless nights.

In the middle of the night surrounded by darkness is the time when the demons come out to play and whisper thoughts in my ears, I try so hard to ignore them but they force me, and it makes me sad that I can't control myself anymore, I've gone insane.

Even though I have been clean for a while I still think about how lovely the blood is when it's trickling down my pale skin.

I dislike how my scars are fading, I want them... Why is that?

So many questions.

Why am I still here?

I'm suicide obsessed and any kind of death obsessed, I need to be around death.. it's calming in a way. I may sound crazy and it's probably because I am. I'm not sane anymore and I don't know how I lost my sanity.

It's quite a beautiful insanity.

I find death, darkness, sadness and similar things to that comforting.. it's beautiful to me.

Others find them gory and gross, but I find the beauty in them, is it because I'm so sad?

I'm sad to the core and I just don't know why anymore. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I've changed.

A girl once so happy turned into a total train wreck,

I'm slowly slipping away from my family and friends, away from all humanity and sanity.

It's quite sad to see it all happening before my eyes and it's all because of me, it's all my fault.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

How did I get this far?

I have nothing else to live for.

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Late at night I lay in bed and watch the shadows lurking outside my house, one day I will be just a shadow.

I'm already fading before your eyes. nobody sees me anymore, I'm just a ghost.

A lost soul with nowhere to go.

A ghost who will wander the dark forests.

I don't know how I got this far.

I don't know how I got like this.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't know why I'm still alive.

I don't know why I feel like this.