What About Us

STRESSED | THIRTY-SEVEN

[Tris] 

Aiden cries as he stares up at me and I am lost for what to do with him. I haven't had a newborn in the house for a year and a few months, so to suddenly have such a dependent person in the house is kind of new and I have to kick into my newborn baby mode. He's been here for a while now, 2 weeks to be exact, and I am going to be so sad when Tobias goes back to work. He's been such a big help, and I know that soon I am going to lose it. Luckily, London goes to school and I'm sure Camryn won't be a problem it's at night that's the problem when everyone is at home and I have to cook dinner and get them ready for bed. 

I lift him from off of the bed and place him on my shoulder and that is as soon as Tobias walks into the room with a diaper and wipes in his hand, "Did you change his diaper?" I nod my head and I rub his little back, "Feed him?" I nod again. Lately I've been lashing out on Tobias and I know it's not fair, not at all. But I've been so angry lately, I'm only 25 and it feels like I cannot catch a break because before I know it I will have to go to work and all Tobias keeps telling me is to become a stay at home mom while he brings in the money, and I refuse to. 

"I have to make dinner." I hand Aiden to his father and leave the room going straight to the kitchen. I hear the girls in the living room playing which is great because they're out of my hair and I can cook dinner in peace. We had some breaded chicken in the freezer so I cooked it in a pan with some oil and some type of casserole my mom gave me was in the oven. We didn't plan on eating together tonight because Aiden was so fussy that I didn't want the peace to be disturbed, so I let the girls eat in the living room while they continued to watch the movie Tobias put on for them and I sat on the couch and ate with them. 

Eventually Tobias came down stairs with Aiden who was sleeping peacefully in his arms and he sat down beside me, "You okay?" He whispers to me and I nod my head not elaborating or anything. I don't feel like talking much lately, it feels like if I do talk about what I feel inside it wouldn't matter, nothing will because I will still feel the same inside, "Tris, baby, do you want to talk about it?" 

"No, Tobias. I don't, there is nothing to talk about, what are you implying?" I try to keep my voice low so I won't wake Aiden or the girls won't hear us, "That I'm crazy all of a sudden, like I don't know how to channel my own feelings? Four you aren't my damn counselor." I whisper to him rolling my eyes and I rush up the stairs tears filling in my eyes and I sit down in the bathroom with the door locked. I have been feeling like this for a while now, ever since we had that little get together a few weeks ago I've been feeling trapped inside my own body. Like I'm a robot that goes through movements. 

I cook, I clean, and I breastfeed. It feels like I can't get out of this stuffy house and just be by myself, I can't leave for too long because Aiden haven't got adapted to the bottles yet so I have to be around to feed him. Yet, at the same time I know it could be worse. What if that b*tch Ophelia really got ahold of Tobias and I would have to deal with this all by myself. Everything goes well until he opens his mouth and tells me to be a stay at home mom, honestly he can be a stay at home dad while I bring in the money. We work similar jobs, that's how we met, so it's like we're bringing in the same amount of money. 

I rub my hands down my face and decide to get in the shower to soothe my mind and the free time and steam brings nothing but fresh tears to my eyes. I sigh and close my eyes letting the trapped tears fall from my eyes, I feel so trapped that I don't know what to do. I feel stuck, I want to move on! I want things to be perfect; no whiny baby, happy husband, cheerful kids, and me, the relaxed mom who has everything put together. Of course I love my family, I don't want anything to happen to them but when does anyone ever think of me? 

I popped out his baby and he takes the girls out for ice-cream. Is that the rest of my life? It feels like I can never catch a break, Eric cheated on me and left which caused me to turn to Tobias for comfort which resulted in a child and now we're in this new house with a new family and I'm going to get remarried and I haven't even really started planning for that, who knows if we have the funds for it. I'm supposed to just put on some mask and act like I am perfectly fine on the outside when I am crumbling everyday. 

"Tris?" I hear a knock on the door, I sigh and toss my head back with frustration, "Are you okay? You just kind of stormed off there, I put the girls in bed and Aiden is in the--" 

"--I'm fine." I try to hide the shakiness in my voice and I don't hear him say anything else so I just let out a sigh of relief. I spend the next 20 minutes in the hot shower getting myself prepared to walk out until the water turns icy cold. I wrap myself in a towel and I procrastinate more while I do my hair, I pull it into a bun so it can dry overnight after moisturizing it and that's when I walk out of the bathroom, the cool air making goosebumps appear on my skin. 

He sits there on the bed typing away at his laptop while I hear cooing in the bassinet by the bed. I take a deep breath and make a beeline for the closet so hopefully he won't ask me any questions. I put on some lotion and pull on a pair of underwear with some leggings, I forgo my bra because I have to nurse during the night and I throw on an over-sized sweater. Even if the heat is on for these cold nights, I still find myself shivering under the thick comforter. 

I finally decide to face him like the boss at the end of an intense game, I already know he's going to come with some questions regarding what's wrong with me and I can feel that I am going to explode because I don't need to get reminded of what I just cried about in the shower. I pull back the covers and get under them, snuggling on my pillow with my back facing Tobias. 

"Tris--" 

"--I'm fine, Tobias. Please, not tonight." 

I hear him let out an annoyed sigh, "Tris, we're going to talk whether you like it or not. And if you don't talk just listen." He says with a stern voice and I close my eyes taking in a deep breath, "You're being so distant like I did something, if I did do something then please let me know but don't leave me clueless like you expect me to become f*cking Albert Einstein--" 

"--and how do you know that I think you did something. I never said anything about you doing something to me." I sit up and stare at him, and he continues to pierce my soul with those blue eyes that look almost identical to his sons and it pings something in my chest. 

"Tris, you're talking crazy. It's like you can't talk to me anymore, is it because of the situation with Ophelia." 

I groan loudly and roll my eyes in my head, "Why does it always have to come back to her?! I swear you think I'm still mad at you because of that, if I were I wouldn't have put this ring back on my finger!" Throwing the covers off of me I stand up and cross my arms, anger radiating all through out me. I hear him mutter something under his breath and he turns back to his computer and that only makes my blood boil hotter than oil in a fryer, "What did you say?" 

"I said that you aren't making any sense. I'm not a mind reader, if you don't tell me what's wrong then I can't help you. One moment you girls are wanting to express your feelings to us, but when we finally ask what's wrong you can't even tell me!" 

Aiden stirs in his bassinet and lets out a cry and I swear that is not what I needed because for a second I thought I was going to just bury myself in a hole, "This is just what I need." I mutter sarcastically picking him up and rocking him on my chest, "Like I said earlier, you don't need to be my counselor. You have more problems than me, you are possessive and I don't know if it because of your past or what but I need space. I cook dinner, I clean up after all of you, and I feed Aiden because lord knows what you would do if I didn't have my tits around!" I storm off to the closet and slam the door shut which only makes Aiden scream louder, I slide down to the floor and let the tears fall down my face as I continue to rock him in my arms and for a second I don't know who is crying harder. 

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PPD, is very common in pregnancies after childbirth it effects 10 to 15%, approximately 600,000, of women and Tris so happens to be one of those females that experiences this. I want this to play a big part in this story for the next couple of chapters because not everyone gets to be happy with a newborn in the household especially with two other young children. But, I am on fire with these chapters, am I or am I not? Thanks so much for reading, until next time!