What About Us

HELP | THIRTY-EIGHT

"Mommy!" I hear the little sound of fist hitting the door and I quickly open it to reveal London staring at me, her hair is ruffled and eyes tired, "Are you and daddy arguin' again?" 

"Again?" I question with confusion. I've been in here for about 5 minutes, Aiden is finally content once I nursed him again and rocked him to sleep. I don't know where Tobias is and honestly right now I care so much because I didn't mean those harsh words. I do want to open up to Tobias but I don't know how without making a fool of myself or actually making sense. 

She nods her head and sits beside me, "I heard you and daddy arguin' before baby Aiden was here, you did it a lot." She confessed and my heart shattered even more. London has been through a lot with me even if she is about to turn 6, her life has been very bumpy for the moment. One moment life is fine for her and then she witnesses me arguing with Eric and she doesn't even see him much anymore and then meets this new man who gets me pregnant and now she has a baby brother. She doesn't deserve to have all of this confusion going on in life. I'd hate to admit it, but I think that's what made Tobias so grumpy and mean, because as a kid he could never enjoy himself and witness his parents fighting and then having to get abused. 

"I'm so sorry baby, we were just having a disagreement." I bite my lip and hold her to my chest. I am so grateful that Camryn is still sleep, or at least didn't care enough to come in here like London, but Camryn always took to her father and was a daddies girl while London sticks more to my side, "You can sleep in here if you want, I'll get Camryn and we can have a sleepover." I distract her, I want to get this off of her mind as soon as possible. She yawns and nods her head, once I get her into the bed and a movie playing on the tv, I leave and get Camryn and put her in the bed beside her sister. I have Aiden in my arms and we all sit there quietly while the television hums in the background, there's only one person missing and it's Tobias. . . and it's all my fault. 

+++

The next morning was rough, I cried my eyes out for what seemed like an hour which was only 5 minutes in the kitchen as I made them their breakfast and I can take London to school, she and Delilah were finally in 1st grade. Tobias had left the house and neither one of us texted each other, it made me want to text him first but I knew he needed his space and as soon as I hear his voice I know I will just break down in tears. Driving to the school actually made me feel better because the cool air dried up my tears and I knew I had to focus on the road. 

Back at home while Camryn was drawing on her templates and practicing her shapes and letters, I had Aiden sleeping soundly but I was staring at my phone thinking if he had the same thing in mind―to talk to one another. Hell no, he's severely pissed at you and wouldn't think twice before skipping over your contact, I thought to myself which only made me feel guiltier and that's what made me text him. 

please come home- Tris 

It didn't take him long to read it and my heart skipped a beat and suddenly I felt nauseous and light-headed, I was nervous. I hated to do this over text but I was not risking my sanity. I saw the 3 bubbles light up then disappear. It happened for a long time until my phone dinged and I saw that message. 

why?- Tobias

just for u 2 yell at me again?- Tobias

I knew he was mad because the way he didn't spell out his words, someone would look at this like it was regular texting which it was but he was headstrong on spelling out words and he especially hated emojis. These thoughts made me unbearably sad, I knew all of these facts about him, it feel like I've known him forever and I let my emotions run us apart. I just want us to get married and have old married people fights. . . not these. 

just please come home, we need you- Tris 

He didn't text me back and in an hour I cried again, in 2 hours I gave up. It wasn't until Camryn was taking her nap and Aiden was in the kitchen with me as I prepared lunch for her when I heard his footsteps in the kitchen and I turned around to see him. Much like me, he looked miserable but I'm pretty sure I looked worse because I was the one who was guilt and in the wrong, I cried all day and no matter how many tears came out I never felt satisfied. 

"Tobias," I started, and my lip quivered. I wasn't going to be able to talk to him because with each word a fresh tear would fall down my cheeks, "I'm so sorry." I wiped my eyes and I stepped towards him and he stepped back once and I felt myself sadden even more. 

"Tris, this is getting out of hand. I don't think you know how to channel your feelings." He said and I just listened to him, "I mean, think about it. You went from having a divorce to your husband to finding out your pregnant, you haven't even healed fully from that. I feel that your overwhelmed. And I know I'm not your counselor, but coming from someone who has got beaten for almost his whole life for not doing anything, I know what being overwhelmed feels like. Just hear me out, I think that you need counseling." 

It was quiet when I turned back to the counter to finish cooking for my daughter, it was a long pause as my brain went a million miles an hour, "For our kids." He said and I heard him walk towards me, "You're dealing with Postpartum Depression and I think that you need to express yourself to a professional so you can get better. I don't like when we argue, I'm pretty sure you don't like it either. So for our family." 

"Fine." It came out of my mouth and I heard him sigh behind me, did I really need help? Was I going crazy? It was only one way to find out.