What About Us

PANIC | NINE

I pace around my bedroom, pulling strands of my hair tightly. Emotions run so quick through my head that a sharp pain bounces off the walls, punishment for the sin I just partook in. How could I stoop so low to get on Eric's level? A cheater!

I, Beatrice Coulter, cheated on Eric. I thought I would feel better in the end, and I do! But, when Four and I got off of the ground and returned to our cars, disappointment and anger coursed through my body. I picked up the girls and I couldn't even look into my mothers eyes, she questioned if I were okay but I masked my shame and left.

Tears sting at the back of my eyes as I sit on the edge of our bed, I press the palms of my hand on my eyes to stop the traitor tears. Peppa Pig plays loudly in the living room, sounds of laughter trailing behind the animated voices. As I was feeding Camryn, I couldn't help but to apologize for being a bad mother.

I can't face the realization and know how screwed up this is. Part of me is happy and filled with joy, but a quarter size of me knows that it was wrong. . . no matter how foul Eric now treats me. And when he steps in the bedroom, eyeing me suspiciously, all my anger and disappointment flies away and for once I feel satisfied, "Are you cheating on me?" My voice sounds hoarse and cold, "You come home later than usual, I understand that you don't want to be around us but don't hurt London's feelings." I spit, standing to my feet.

"Why? I'm not cheating on you, Tris." Eric takes the tie off his neck and pulls off his shirt, his ink covered arms set free, "You aren't pregnant which means you aren't vulnerable, calm down. London saw me and Camryn is sleeping."

I sigh and sniffle, chastising my self for being weak, "I thought you actually loved me. You put that ring on my finger and I knew that was it. Eric, why now? Why now of all times we get problems?" He remains silent, "I'm not an idiot, Eric. I know you're bored with me but if you want to leave then fine. I'm done trying to be the counselor for our marriage, if you want to chase around sluts who have diseases, then you can get the hell out of my house. I'll pack your bags and get you a cab."

"Enough!" He roars, running his hands through this slick hair, "I spent all day, working on a project for the town. Yes, I had to leave and go to work on a weekend. If you thought I was cheating then you think that, why else do you think I came home in a suit? All I want is for you to get the hell out of my way unless your going to satisfy me which you obviously don't know what to do anymore."

"Our relationship can't be based on that, Eric. We have kids—" I take a deep breath before walking out of the bedroom officially fed up with him. I'm too upset at my own self for being weak, and now him not wanting to settle problems seals the bottle.

+++

"I don't know if you're expecting to sleep in the bed," I tell Eric as I stand on the other side of our bedroom, London and Camryn are both asleep in the middle of our mattress, "Sleep on the couch." I shut the door quietly and get on the bed, pulling my two daughters to my chest.

The night is a restless one for me, Camryn woke up at one point, cooing for me. After I fed her, she stayed up for a while, babbling away and playing with my fingers. She went back to sleep around 5, then I got up at six to take the quickest shower.

When I went up front to make breakfast, Eric was gone and there wasn't a trace of him. Part of me panics for him, and the other half is happy he left. I drop the girls off and make my way to work, my heart hammering against my chest.

Saturday was all a mistake, we were caught in the moment and emotions got the best of us. We shared something so personal about each other and our thoughts and feelings got wild, most of it was all a fast blur.

I get to my floor and go inside my office, spreading the foundation chart across the table. George is placing everything we've been talking about for the past month into action, Archer Daniels will not be in debt, but they will still check in for consolation. . . like today.

I'm nervous to see Tobias, what if he thinks it was all a mistake and doesn't want anything to do with me. What if he finally realizes what he's done?

"Tris, Archer Daniels representatives have just arrived." George peaks his head in my door about twenty minutes of fixing minor issues on my chart. I nod my head and pack my stuff up, suddenly feeling light-headed. I push open the double doors and I instantly feel like I am going to vomit, I take a few calming deep breaths and push my embarrassment down in my chest, "You feeling okay?" George questions as our assistant, Jamie, starts to set out breakfast muffins and brew's coffee while placing other small breakfast snacks down.

I nod my head, "Yes, just a little tired." I lie, and just as I calm down, the doors open and Amar, Four, and Nita step inside. Four gives me a smile and I return it, positive that it doesn't meet my eyes. I stand up and greet the three workers, Four holding on to my hand a little longer. The feeling of his large hand encased over my small one calms me someway, I feel my muscles relax and the memories of his lips on mine and his cologne filling my nose comes to mind and I feel better.

"Let's get started." George says as I place the chart up on the wall.

+++

"Tris." I feel his large hand encase around my arm and I whip around, my curls hitting my face. He gives me a smile and I return it, showing him to my office, "I-I just wanted to formally apologize for what happened Saturday. I didn't know if you were comfortable and I didn't want to pressure you in--"

"--you didn't pressure me. I should be the one apologizing. . . apologizing for troubling you with my problems. But, having sex with you? No, I liked it and I'm glad I did it." I confess and his eyes light up and he gives me a large grin, "Eric doesn't treat me right and I guess being around you makes me happy and you put me somewhere I've never been. I understand if you don't want to be around me again but-" It seems as if either one of us can't hold a conversation together, because his lips are on mine. Unlike last time, this kiss is slow and meaningful. I wrap my arms around his neck and his hands go down to my side. His mouth taste of mint and the lingering taste of coffee, my hands leisurely travel up large, muscular, arms and into his hair. This kiss makes me weak in the knees and if he didn't place me on top of my desk, I'm sure I would have fallen.

He pulls away from the kiss and gives me a smile, "You're beautiful, do you know that?"

Eric doesn't tell me that as much as he should.

I just smile at him, feeling a pang of sadness running through my chest. I have two beautiful daughters who love me, and a husband who lost interest in me. Yet, I have the sexiest man alive, worshiping me and claiming my lips as his. I don't know if I should be in a deep state of melancholy or be happy and proud that I have this man in front of me, about to repeat what he did Saturday. I've never been this confused in my life.