Rightfully Mine

Chapter 8

Staying away from John was a lot easier in my head than it was in reality. He was everywhere. And not because he was trying to be. I think he was embarrassed about that night and wanted to forget it too. But now I realized that I saw him more during the day than I'd originally thought. I just hadn't completely dreaded being in the same room with him before, so it didn't seem like much.

Meal times were pretty difficult. If possible, I'd have chosen to stay in my room until everyone left, but I couldn't do that. Jenny and I had gotten into a routine of feeding everyone and I couldn't leave her on her own now.

I mean, I probably could have. She still would have managed, but it would have been strange for me to suddenly abandon her. And it would have been much more work for her to do alone.

Having no alternative, I just tried not to look at John or speak to him, but that wasn't possible all the time. And again, it would look suspicious if I suddenly started ignoring him. But anytime I looked at him, I felt myself flush and I prayed that Jenny didn't notice.

Apart from meal times, John was in and out of the house throughout the day. Thankfully, most of the time he was outside working, but he was still inside far too often. And then, of course, there was the time after supper that I would usually sit with John and Jenny in the living room, reading or talking.

That was the worst. I couldn't get away from John until he and Jenny went to their room for the night. I could only fake being tired or having a headache so much before it would become obvious that I was avoiding them. But I wasn't sure how much more I could take of actually being around John like that. I was hyper aware of every move he made and even though I tried not to look at him, sometimes I couldn't help it. The thing that made it really hard was, a lot of the time he was watching me too. And I don't think I was imagining the longing I saw in his eyes.

I was trying so hard to rid myself of these old feelings for him, but every day, they only seemed to grow stronger and stronger. I was back to crying myself to sleep most nights and then I'd usually have a dream about him. I'd wake up feeling restless and miserable and begging God to take these feelings away from me. The only escape I found was in books. Temporary as it was, I was able to forget about John while I was reading, at least.

I was sitting alone in the living room, during some rare free time, and was just getting involved in the book in my lap when John stuck a letter in my face.

"This just came for you." He scowled.

I glanced down at the letter and saw that it was from Andrew.

"Thanks." I took the letter, noting the irritated look on his face. Now he was jealous? Was I supposed to be alone forever?

Sadly, he might just get his wish if I couldn't get rid of my feelings for him again. I wouldn't let Andrew believe I could love him when I couldn't.

John took a deep breath and gave me another unsettling look. I dropped my gaze and stared at my book, avoiding his eyes and hoping he would just leave me alone.

After a long minute, he was still there and I got the feeling that he was about to touch me or say something. Aside from it being so very wrong that I wanted him to, Jenny was in the next room. It would have been just plain stupid.

"Don't, John," I said, not letting my eyes leave my book. "Please?" I pleaded in a much smaller voice. It was hard enough trying not to think of him that way, without him doing anything like that.

He let out a frustrated breath before he finally walked away and went back outside, slamming the door behind him.

I sat for a while longer with my head resting on my hand, unable to keep my thoughts off him. I tried to get back into my book, but I couldn't possibly concentrate. After reading the same paragraph four times, I closed the book in frustration.