Rightfully Mine

Chapter 10

I sat alone in my room, staring blankly at the wall and vividly remembering Pastor Taylor's sermon two weeks ago. It had been about how there was no sin so great that God couldn't forgive, but that forgiveness didn't take away the consequences of our actions. It had felt like that sermon was meant specifically for me then, and I felt it again now. I knew God forgave me, but I had a really big consequence to deal with. It was no less than I deserved and in a few months everyone would know what I'd done.

I even waited an extra month to be sure. I'd fooled myself into thinking that I'd just been under a lot of stress that first month, so my body wasn't reacting normally. I told myself that in the entire year and a half that Jenny had been married, she still didn't have a baby. Why should I expect to be pregnant?

I'd been so foolish.

I stupidly hoped that maybe no one would ever know a thing. That perhaps the extent of my punishment was to be the crushing guilt I would forever feel. It certainly felt like a big enough consequence, but apparently it wasn't.

Hopefully though, my attempts to hide the worst of it from Jenny wouldn't be for nothing. I didn't think I could live with myself if she knew what I'd done to her.

After I returned to the house on the day that John and I had been so reckless, I managed to sneak to my room without anyone seeing me. Then I'd made an excuse about sitting in the grass, to explain why I changed my dress. John always came in from outside filthy, so it wasn't unusual for him to change when he came home for the night. So at least, she didn't have reason to think that anything unusual had happened at the time, but I worried that the way John and I had been acting around each other might tell her... well maybe not what actually happened, but that something had.

To my great relief, Jenny seemed not to notice anything remotely strange. After a few weeks, I wondered how that was even possible. I couldn't begin to describe how utterly wretched and guilty I felt. Any time I was around her, I wanted to get down on my knees and beg her forgiveness, but I couldn't think of one truly helpful thing that telling her would accomplish. That kind of information could only serve to hurt Jenny and probably destroy her marriage for good.

John and I decided that it was best that we keep it to ourselves. It seemed fitting that I would have to quietly suffer with that guilt forever. But I knew I hadn't acted like myself and Jenny must have noticed. Either I wasn't as obvious as I thought, or she just didn't want to see what might have happened. I suspected the latter.

She acted fine. Even more cheerful than usual, and I didn't notice as much fighting going on between her and John. But now that I knew what to look for, I could see how strained things were under it all. I'd never appreciated the sickening affection they used to display, but they didn't even talk anymore. They'd interact here and there for appearance sake, but there was no more depth to it than there might be in asking a stranger about the weather.

I didn't believe it was all because of me. Thinking back, I was pretty sure that things had been that way before. John said as much that day by the lake, but I certainly hadn't helped the situation.

And now, I didn't even want to think about how she would look at me once she learned my secret, which wouldn't be so secret for long. What would anyone think? It shouldn't matter. I deserved everything people would say and think about me, but what about the other people this was going to hurt?

If Jenny figured this out, it would kill her, and she would hate me. Julia would still love me, I knew, but she would be so disappointed. John was going to be a father, but if he was going to be able to acknowledge that fact, it would destroy his marriage and, again, hurt Jenny.

And what about Andrew? I hadn't been answering his letters recently, not knowing what to say. He deserved an explanation, but I couldn't think of anything that wasn't absolutely horrible to put in a letter. I could never be good enough for him now, but I didn't know how to explain that without giving him the reason why. Even if I could think of something, I still wouldn't be able to put it in a letter.