Rightfully Mine

Chapter 4

I'd known things would be hard without Papa, but I hadn't counted on just how much I would miss him.

In the months after he died, we'd done alright. Pastor Taylor would make special trips out to the house when he had time, to see if we needed anything. John and Andrew were a big help with the farm, and nearly every other family we knew helped by bringing food over for two solid months, all eager to help with anything we asked.

Our finances were alright too. We weren't rich, but we never had been. I wasn't sure how long things would remain this way, since Julia didn't want to burden Jenny or me with the bulk of it, but I knew that eventually we'd have to figure out a more permanent solution. I wasn't convinced that we could keep the farm running on our own. Papa had done a large portion of the work himself which had saved the money it would take to hire the extra help we would need now.

For now, things weren't too dire. We'd continue to be alright for a while, especially with John and Andrew's help. The truly hard part was not having Papa there to ask for advice or tell him I loved him. It seemed that at the oddest times, his death would hit me all over again and I'd just burst into tears. I wasn't used to missing someone like this. I'd grown up knowing my mother was dead, but I hadn't actually known her and I had Julia in my life. Now there was no one to help with Papa's loss. No one could fill that huge gap he left in my heart.

Andrew had been a really good friend through all of it. I knew he was still eager to ask me for more than friendship, but out of respect for Papa, he waited. But I wondered how much longer he would wait. I was almost eighteen and it had been six months since Papa passed away.

Honestly, I had no idea what I would say when that day came. I knew it was inevitable. I hadn't really encouraged his affections, but I hadn't discouraged them as much as I could have either. I was torn between wanting to be fair to him by making him move on to someone else, and selfishly holding onto him for myself, just so I had someone who loved me. Even if it wasn't John.

Tonight though, I wasn't going to worry about it. It was Christmas Eve and Andrew was at home with his family.

Julia, Jenny, and I held our usual Christmas Eve dinner with John's family. I'd been dreading it, as it was our first year without Papa, but the day had been surprisingly pleasant. Papa had loved this time of year, so I knew it would always be hard without him, but I also knew that he wouldn't want us to spend the evening in mourning. And so we attempted to keep everything as it always had been.

As had become the norm for me, I did my best to avoid looking at John with Jenny, probably holding hands under the table. I tried not to think about them either, but with the two lovebirds right across the table, making googly eyes at each other, it was all I could do not to gag on my food.

When everyone finally finished eating, I jumped up to clear the dishes, eager to get away from the disgusting display. I just had to make it through dessert before I could hide away in my room, claiming a stomach ache or a headache or whatever I didn't use last time. Julia normally wouldn't allow me to be rude and leave company, but she had more sympathy where John was concerned. If I faked something twice in a row, she would cover for me with some other imaginary ailment.

Everyone oohed and ahhed over Julia's dessert. Admittedly, it was one of her best, but I had absolutely no appetite. I'd barely even touched the dinner, feeling like I'd never keep it down.

"Everyone," John said, when there was a lull in the conversation, after the dessert was nearly gone.

I'd been about to start cleaning up so I could make my escape. Instead, I grudgingly looked at John, waiting to hear what he had to say.

"I um..." He faltered once everyone looked at him and I suppressed a smile. He had never been very comfortable with attention.

"I've asked Jenny to marry me and she's agreed." He sounded stiff and formal.