Rightfully Mine

Chapter 13

"Kat, he doesn't want me!" Jenny cried, frustrated as she held Thomas, who was screaming and squirming.

I forced myself to stay across the room, loathing every second of it. Jenny had to learn how to do this. Thomas couldn't be more attached to me in public than to her. Otherwise, this would all be for nothing. He wasn't usually so fussy, but she was holding him all wrong. It might have had to do with switching him to a bottle too.

"You have to do this, Jenny," I said over Thomas' cries. "You have to learn."

She heaved a disgruntled sigh and adjusted the way she was holding him. Thomas only screamed louder.

"I told you a million times!" I snapped, losing my temper. "You have to hold him away from you!" He liked to be facing out, so he could look around.

Jenny looked like I slapped her. I almost never lost my temper or yelled.

"I'm sorry, Kat," she said. "I'm trying."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This wasn't her fault. She wasn't supposed to know what to do. She wasn't his mother.

"I know, Jenny." I fought my tears. "I know you're trying. This is just..." I had to wait a minute to finish. "You have no idea how hard this is for me."

She just watched me, seeming like she wanted to cry too.

After another few minutes of taking calming breaths, I managed to get myself under control again. I really had to work on that. I couldn't break down like this in public. That would be worse than having Thomas attached to me.

"Okay," I said. "Just readjust him and keep trying."

She nodded resolutely and did what I said.

After an agonizing hour, Thomas was finally sleeping soundly in the crib. I prayed that this would get easier. I felt drained and I didn't even do anything. Poor Jenny was completely frazzled.

"You made it look so easy," she complained, sitting beside me. "I don't know how you just know all this."

"You'll learn," I said, not even a little sure that she would. I couldn't deny that she really was trying. She just didn't necessarily want to be. She was doing it for me. It wasn't enjoyable to take care of another person's screaming baby. It was a chore.

I just had to keep telling myself that once she got used to everything, this would get better. It had to get better or I was never going to be able to live with it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After breaking down left and right all week, I was finally able to control my emotions fairly well by the time Sunday came. I knew it was going to be hard to watch John and Jenny present Thomas to the community as their new son, but I told myself it had to be this way. This was what was best for him. I would just have to learn to lock my emotions away until I could let them out privately.

John had asked Pastor Taylor to announce to the church that he and Jenny were adopting Thomas, so there wouldn't be any reason for anyone to be suspicious. Pastor Taylor arranged to have a baby dedication take place after the service and I told myself this was a good thing. He was already being accepted by the community.

So why did it make me feel so hollow inside?

I sat through the longest service of my life, next to Jenny who held my sleeping baby in her arms. At the end of it, I had to sit alone in the pew while John and Jenny went up to the front to dedicate my son to God and to present him as theirs. To keep from crying, I had to close my eyes and bite my cheek until I tasted blood.