Rightfully Mine

Chapter 5

I managed to push the connection of John to Jenny's wedding out of my mind, so that I was able to help her plan for it the way a sister should. I just kept pretending it was like when we were little and would plan our weddings without knowing who the groom would be.

Once I put John in the equation in my mind, it would be unbearable, but for now I was almost alright. I knew I was still hanging on to the hope that he'd somehow change his mind and not go through with it, and I felt stupid and selfish, hoping for that. My brain told me that wasn't happening and that I didn't want Jenny to be hurt that way, but I couldn't seem to help it.

Thankfully, everything was finished with the planning now. I just had the burden of waiting another week in agony until the actual wedding. I kept telling myself that John was Jenny's now and I didn't want him to change his mind. Unfortunately, I didn't actually believe it.

But Andrew was happy to support those ideas anyway. As the wedding drew closer, I could see him growing more and more comfortable and almost giddy.

"Don't be mad," Andrew said. "But I'll be very happy after next week."

I just smiled and looked out at the lake. We were at John's parents' house. They were hosting a picnic as a sort of pre-wedding celebration. I'd only been able to stand the festivities for so long before I broke away from everyone to go sit by the lake. I was still in view of the party, so it wasn't completely rude, but this spot offered some solace.

Andrew noticed my departure and joined me after a few minutes. I'd actually wanted to be alone to deal with my feelings, but somehow I didn't mind having him there. He was comforting. He knew how I felt and he hated it, but for some reason, he was willing to be my friend and to wait for me.

"Maybe once he's married, you can finally get him out of your head." He brushed a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

"I hope so," I said in a small voice.

"You will." Andrew sounded so sure.

I turned to him, amazed with his patience and confidence. I wanted to ask him how he knew and what if I couldn't, but I couldn't get the words out. I didn't want to hurt him.

"I was gonna ask you something," he said and I held my breath waiting for what I'd known was coming, but not even a little sure of what to do.

"But I think I'll wait," he finished, surprising me. "I'm tempted to ask because I think you might say yes anyway." He gave a short laugh before he turned serious again. "But when you say yes, I want it to be because you want to and not because you're trying to get over John."

"I'm sorry, Andrew," I said, feeling that familiar sting in my eyes. "I wish...I can't..."

He shook his head and smiled. "Don't be sorry."

I looked down.

"Kat, you fell in love with him when you were kids. You put him on this pedestal and you can't see past your perfect idea of him. But he's not perfect."

I met his eyes again, not agreeing, but not wanting to argue.

"One day you'll see, he's just like the rest of us and you'll finally be able to get passed this."

I gave him a small smile, wishing that were true, but also not wanting it to be.

"When you finally do." He took my hand. "Then I'll ask you what I wanted to ask you today."

"Andrew, you're much too good for me." A tear escaped and slid down my face.

He smiled and wiped it away with his thumb. "Nah, I'm just like everyone else. If this whole thing with John has taught me anything, it's how much love you're capable of. How much of yourself you invest in it."

I half-smiled.

"And if I'm lucky and patient, maybe one day it'll be directed at me." He kissed my hand.

"I want that," I said. "I really do."

He smiled. "That's enough for now."

I took a deep breath. "It's not fair to you. You deserve better."

"You let me worry about my heart, alright?"

I nodded and looked down at our joined hands. I didn't pull mine away, as was almost habit by now. I wanted to be able to forget about John and love Andrew. Just for a few minutes, I was going to pretend that it really was that way.

"I think I'm gonna take my uncle up on his offer," Andrew said after a minute.

I looked at him curiously.

"He owns a newspaper and he's offered me a job."

"That's great!" I smiled. Andrew had always wanted to be a writer. In another minute, my smile faltered. Our town didn't have a newspaper.

"I'll be leaving, Kat," he confirmed, reading my mind. "At least for a while."

I looked down. I still loved John, unfortunately. It shouldn't hurt so much to think of Andrew leaving me.

He put his hand under my chin and pulled my face up so I would meet his eyes.

"I think we both need some time," he said. "You need to get over John without me constantly around as a back-up. To know it's real. And I think I need to make sure it's real for me too."

Knowing he was right, I nodded. Wasn't that how I saw him? As a substitute for John?

"And now with them moving across town, you won't see them every day. Hopefully, it'll be easier."

I closed my eyes against the fresh tears. He was probably right about that too. It would be easier for me if I didn't see John all the time, but all I felt when I thought about him and Jenny living across town, was an aching in my heart. John was still my friend and Jenny was my sister. I didn't want them out of my life. But it also hurt to have them in it as much as they were.

"How long will you be gone?" I asked when I was sure I could get the words out.

"I'm not sure," he said. "A year, maybe two. However long it takes."

Another tear escaped as I glanced away.

"You're crying for me?" he asked. "I'm not the one you love, remember?"

I met his gaze again and I knew I wasn't imagining the pain I saw there.

"No," I said. "Andrew, I know I can't love you the way you want right now. The way you deserve. But that doesn't mean I don't at all." It was impossible not to love someone like Andrew. "You're a really good friend and I care about you and..."

"And I'm leaving you too." He sighed. "Right after you've lost so many people." He roughly ran his hand through his hair and was quiet for a minute.

"What's the right choice here, Kat?" he asked. "Do I go? Stay?"

I shook my head. "No, you were right. We both need some time. I'll be alright."

"You don't have to lie to me, Kathryn," he said. "You always say you're alright when you're really...." He huffed.

I smiled sadly. "No," I admitted. "But I will be."

He nodded. "I know you will, because you're strong. Stronger than you should have to be."

"I wish I was strong enough to give you what you want right now."

He smiled. "I know. It's that very thing that makes me think we have a shot."

I took a deep breath and leaned into him. He put his arms around me and stroked my hair.

"And I'll write you," he said. "All the time."

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine how I was going to deal with losing him so soon after losing Papa, Jenny, and John. I may not have been able to love him like he wanted, but he was my best friend now, since John really wasn't anymore.

Letters or no letters, I was going to be incredibly lonely.