Rightfully Mine

Chapter 12

I cried tears of both joy and pain as I stared at the baby in my arms. He was completely perfect, but he would only be mine for a little while now. The doctor said it would be safe to travel in a few weeks, so that's when I'd be going home. I knew that the longer I put this off, the harder it would be, and it was best for the baby to get things settled as soon as possible.

Thankfully, my body seemed to go back to almost normal right away, so at least I wouldn't have to worry about that. I didn't think anyone would notice the few extra curves I'd acquired, and that's all that mattered - looking like myself so that I could return to my normal life.

I named him Thomas, for Papa. I couldn't help thinking about how disappointed he would be if he knew how his little namesake got here, but I tried not to think about that. The only thing I wanted to think about was enjoying the little bit of time I had my son all to myself.

He was so beautiful. He had downy soft, dark brown hair, a perfect little face, and long little fingers. He didn't even cry that much. Once he was fed and being held the way he liked, he was so content to just sit and stare at everything around him.

The only thing I worried about was that he had John's eyes. But maybe I only saw it because I'd had those eyes memorized forever. Right now, he was staring at me with those beautiful eyes, making the cutest little cooing noises. I had to keep wiping away my tears so I wouldn't lose sight of him.

"I love you, little one." I softly kissed the tiny hand that gripped my finger. "I'm sorry that I can't give you everything you deserve, but your daddy can. And even though I won't have you with me all the time, I will always love you."

He stared at me, fascinated. It was almost as if he understood what I was telling him and I had to turn my face away as a sob escaped me. How was I ever going to do this? How was I supposed to walk away from him?

After a minute, Thomas started fussing, letting me know he was ready to eat. Swiping at my eyes again, I looked down on him and smiled.

"Are you hungry again already, little man?"

He wanted to eat more than the doctor said he would need to, but I didn't mind in the slightest. I cherished every second that I got to do something for him.

Thomas drank greedily once I'd adjusted him, and I stared into his eyes, wondering again how I was ever going to give him up.

"For you, I will, my sweet boy," I said, holding his little hand.

Somehow I would be strong enough to do this for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was no mistaking the pride in John's eyes the first time he held his son. I never worried that John wouldn't love him, but it was reassuring to see that he already did. He smiled down on Thomas as Thomas stared back at him, making those adorable little noises.

"He's beautiful, Kat," Jenny said, looking over John's shoulder.

I managed a smile. "I named him Thomas." The words were out before I realized that in giving him to John and Jenny, they had the right to change his name if they chose. It took a minute for me to speak passed the lump in my throat.

"But... y-you can change it if..." My lip quivered. "I mean, it's a little obvious..." After all, people would know that was Papa's name.

John looked at me, sympathetically. "Thomas is a good name," he said. "We'll just tell people we changed it to that."

It was a small consolation. I should have felt lucky that I'd gotten to name him, but John giving his permission only highlighted the fact that Thomas wasn't mine.

"Can I?" Jenny asked after a few moments, gesturing to hold the baby.

My hands balled into fists, wanting to snatch him back. I loved Jenny and I knew she wasn't trying to steal Thomas from me, but that's exactly what it felt like she was doing.

John glanced at me, asking my permission. I forced a nod and he gently placed Thomas into Jenny's arms.

There were no words for the pain I felt watching the three of them together. My sister now had everything that should have been mine. Everything I ever loved was hers. Breathing normally was suddenly a colossal feat. My eyes blurred, my nails dug into my palms, and I bit my cheek in an effort to hold back the sobs that threatened to emerge.

John noticed how much I was struggling. "Kat...You can still change your mind. This isn't set."

I shook my head, not able to speak. Turning away, I took some deep breaths, fighting to control myself. When I looked back at them, Jenny seemed lost. John looked like he was almost in as much pain as I was.

"Um..." I struggled. "He should probably go down for a nap now," I managed, not able to take watching this anymore.

Jenny looked between John and I, wondering what to do. As much as I wanted to go over and grab my baby from her, I forced myself to stay where I was. She had to do this and I had to let her.

"Alright," she finally said, realizing that I was waiting for her to do it. Then she turned and took my heart with her out of the room.

"Kat," John said. "Are you sure about this?"

I nodded, still watching Jenny walk down the hall.

"Because we can figure something else out," he tried.

"No," I said stubbornly. "This is what's best for him. Nothing else matters."

"Okay." He let it go. It was easy to tell that he wanted to argue more, but he knew I wasn't changing my mind and that it killed me every time I had to refuse.

"He has your eyes," I said, looking back at him.

"I noticed." He gave me a small smile.

Unable to hold myself together a moment longer, I completely broke down and didn't fight when John pulled me into his arms.